Military One Source, Combat Stress Resources for Military Families
Family and Friend Resources
How to Deal With a Military Spouse's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
PTSD Forum
Stars and Stripes article about PTSD
PTSD-Military Significant Others and Spouse Support-Military SOS.com
Coping with a spouse who has PTSD
Wives Combat PTSD Support Site
The links above are just some items I thought I'd post since I know there are a number of folks who have contacted me in regards to their soldier spouse and possible PTSD. These resources are for you.
Old Sarge Out!
"War is sweet for the inexperienced." In no way will I ever try to compare my combat experience to that of an Infantryman, Sniper, MP, Tanker or a Combat Medic, however, one thing that brings us all together is the after effects we carry home with us. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an injury that ranges from mild to severe to debilitating. Folks need to know that despite the lack of visible scars, we're still wounded.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
PTSD Information for spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends
I thought I'd share this with everyone should you fear your partner has PTSD.
Partners With PTSD
by Frank Ochberg, M.D.
How does the Spouse React?
“I have suffered through many therapists that know squat about PTSD. All my "ah ha" moments have come from reading articles like yours and the few good books that are out there.
I wish someone would write an article just for family members and friends that helps them to understand PTSD, and directly addresses their roles and responsibilities. They should have some, should they not?
An alcoholic wouldn't be offered a drink, a diabetic some forbidden food. I know my analogies are not clear but hope you understand. Often I have some pretty good days only to be sabotaged by those I love most. At least it feels that way.”
This email request arrived recently. I don't know who voiced this legitimate call for help, but I hope to provide just what the writer seeks: an article for family members and intimate friends who want to understand PTSD, and to assume effective roles and responsibilities as caring partners.
If you are a partner of someone with PTSD, I thank you for reading this. Somebody who relies on you wants you to appreciate and respect the condition that haunts them. With so much in the popular press, on television and in movies that touches on trauma, it is easy to have partial information about traumatic stress, but to miss the full impact of this profound condition.
When I ask my patients, “Does your husband or wife or closest friend really understand?,” I seldom hear a confident, “Yes they do!” And when a spouse or loved one does understand, I feel relieved. The prognosis for improvement goes up considerably. I have an ally.
So if you are that person - the partner who is willing to set aside preconception and take the time to learn about PTSD, thank you again for your attention. Here goes!
What is PTSD?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a medical condition. It is a specific alteration in brain function due to experiencing something real, shocking, and profoundly disturbing. Not everybody responds to trauma with the PTSD pattern of mental change. Because of inherited and acquired predispositions, some will and some will not develop PTSD after very similar traumatic events. But once the circuits in the brain are affected by the PTSD pattern, a survivor has the following three problems:
Uncontrollable, Intrusive Memory
First: their memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into awareness, when it isn't wanted or welcome. This “hot memory” lasts minutes to hours and may be clear or altered, like a dream. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic. And she or he may feel entirely out of conscious control. Some of my patients fear they are going crazy. Often the trauma comes back in subtle ways - a fleeting feeling, a vague sense of disease. This may not be terrifying, but when it occurs frequently it changes one's whole sense of being the person they once were. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares, and the nightmare may have images that were never seen before, but resemble old demons from childhood. The worst memory symptom is the waking nightmare, the flashback. This is as vivid as reality, and may actually seem like reality. I've been there, with a patient having a flashback, several dozen times. It frightens me! We'll talk about managing your partner’s flashback later.
Emotional Anesthesia
Second: a person with PTSD feels like a shadow of their former self. I call this “emotional anesthesia.” Some tell me they have no feeling. They are distant and detached. They wish they had more zest for life and they know they disappoint those who want them to be interactive and lively. But the genuine desire to socialize just isn't there. Your partner may or may not be depressed. Being depressed is feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, and having no energy for the activities one feels she or he was put on earth to do. PTSD is not quite the same as depression, but may bring on an episode of depression (1).
This second element of PTSD is often called “being numb and avoidant.” Your loved one just isn't fully alive. You, the caring spouse or friend, can't make this medical symptom go away. But you can help your partner feel less guilty and embarrassed about having the affliction. We'll come back to managing this later, too.
Anxiety
Finally, PTSD makes a person anxious. Anxiety affects each of us differently. The usual pattern includes irritability, impaired concentration, sleep disturbance, being “jumpy” (easily startled), and worried about threats and threatening individuals. This last element of PTSD pattern anxiety is called “hypervigilance.” It isn't paranoia, but it may seem similar. Some of my patients are too nervous to be intimate. Sexuality is often sacrificed in the early weeks of PTSD.
It returns, but shouldn't be rushed. When partners can't communicate easily and effectively about sex and other private, personal subjects, matters inevitably grow worse. Your friend or loved one may be embarrassed and inhibited. Or you may be the one who would rather not discuss “touchy” issues. Or one of you could be the partner who talks too much, contributing to discomfort in the other. Remember, partners with PTSD are far more anxious than they were before they developed the disorder. They have too much adrenalin and it makes them less efficient, less effective, less able to control their behavior. They aren't sleeping restfully. They cannot concentrate fully. Loud noises make their hearts jump.
So there you have it. PTSD is a physical condition and it is real. It is not “in your head.” You can't talk someone out of it, or ignore it and assume it will just go away. It consists of three things:
(1) Haunting, unwanted, frightening recollections.
(2) Emotional anesthesia that diminishes and distances a person.
(3) Anxiety that affects sleep, concentration, serenity - and sometimes, sexuality.
By definition, PTSD lasts at least a month but the difficult cases last several years.
Before we get to your role as help-mate, let me add a few more points about traumatized people. Not all survivors develop the whole PTSD pattern, but they may have some of the symptoms mentioned above. The person with “partial PTSD” doesn't qualify for the medical diagnosis, but still needs your understanding and help.
However, many survivors of trauma have more than PTSD.
Complications of PTSD
Some survivors have additional medical and psychiatric conditions that complicate and prolong PTSD problems. Common among these are preexisting personality disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, chronic pain, and bereavement.
Childhood Abuse
Personality disorders may last a lifetime and include such traits as dependence, avoidance and a very insecure sense of self. This is not the place to discuss personality issues in depth. But it should be obvious that anyone who was severely harmed by a parent (incest, physical abuse, neglect) will adapt in ways that may expose her or him to further abuse from authority figures. Your partner may have PTSD related to early abuse and later abuse. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. For these survivors of childhood oppression, PTSD is less than half of their burden. A much larger issue for these partners is knowing whom to trust, when to trust, and how to trust. For now, let’s just agree that exposure to cruelty from a parent (or parent surrogate) creates more than PTSD and requires more information than I can give here.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Alcohol is such a common “fix” for insomnia and anxiety that most of my patients have reported dramatically increased use after major trauma. Many become alcohol dependent. Sometimes prescription drugs (often painkillers) or illicit drugs (often marijuana) are chosen and used, not for recreation, but for sedation. This may be the case with your partner, and if it is you face additional risks and burdens. PTSD plus alcoholism is more likely to become a chronic condition. PTSD plus pain from injury is likely to prolong recovery and include self-medication. When the trauma includes death of a loved one, normal grief is complicated by inescapable images of unnatural dying (see articles by E.K. Rynearson, M.D. on the http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/recovery.html website). War creates the battleground for all these complications.
Veterans of War and Violence
Alcoholic survivors may be males with PTSD from combat or from violent incidents that resemble combat. We shouldn't stereotype by gender, but I must point out that the “caregiver burden” for the wife of the traumatized vet is usually different than the role of the husband of the victimized wife. The male veteran with PTSD has a greater likelihood of being angry, aggressive, uncommunicative, secretly embarrassed and difficult to reach than the female with PTSD. Partners of male veterans have been systematically studied. A collection of these studies by Drs. Calhoun and Wampler in the National Center for PTSD Clinical Quarterly (2) includes the statement, “almost half of these women (partners) reported having felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’”
If you are a wife or significant other of a veteran who has become seriously impaired - and is also menacing to you because of PTSD, you are advised to seek professional help for yourself. However, Calhoun and Wampler caution, “many veterans suffering from chronic PTSD are openly distrustful and may view the involvement of their partner (in therapy) as a threat.” Somehow, you the wife of the veteran, need to assure your own physical safety as you learn to reduce your “caregiver burden” and help your husband overcome the anguish and humiliation of chronic PTSD.
The emerging literature on “caregiver burden,” aimed at helping the help-mate, justifies therapy and counseling and support groups for the partner of the person with chronic PTSD. Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most normal, caring partners. And the source of your partner’s PTSD need not be anything as dramatic as combat or violent crime to justify your own self-help. One of the most common causes of PTSD is the automobile accident.
Partners Helping Partners with PTSD
My guess is that, initially, most readers of this article will be women who have been abused and who want their partners to have reasonable expectations and to be supportive. Their partners, primarily male, will then read these words. But regardless of your gender, let me now speak specifically to you, the partner of the person with PTSD. I'll use “her” to refer to the partner with PTSD, but this applies equally to same-gender partners and women helping men.
Flashbacks
Your partner may have had a flashback at some point, or may be having them now. Do you know? Flashbacks are not the same as epileptic seizures, but we can consider them equally sudden, violent, and debilitating. You wouldn't want to elicit a flashback by mistake. In general, you can help with flashbacks by knowing whether your partner has them, and learning whether your presence during an episode is comforting or not.
Don't ask about the details of a flashback, since that might bring one on. Do ask if you have ever been particularly helpful in preventing or minimizing flashback effects. Build upon your natural ways of being supportive, and upon your partner’s individual needs. Some partners want to be physically embraced. Others are made more anxious by a man’s touch. Some partners do want to tell you details of terrifying memories, and they may want to repeat these details as a way of overcoming the threat. If it helps your partner, lend an ear. If you can't take it because you become too angry with a perpetrator or too overwhelmed with empathy, point that out. But be caring as you explain your limitation, and do your best to find ways of increasing your emotional resilience so that you can be an effective listener.
If your partner knows you are working at being able to handle her trauma history, you'll be respected rather than resented. If your partner is in therapy and her therapist has not done anything to help her overcome flashbacks, she may need a better therapist. Not every licensed mental health worker can treat the cardinal symptom of PTSD. I use something called “The Counting Method” (see http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/counting.html for details). Others use EMDR or “re-exposure therapy.” These techniques all allow survivors to remember their most traumatic moments (to the point of having a flashback in the office) but to get to the end of it and to eventually become confident about their ability to remember at will. In essence, your partner retrains her brain to have “cool memories” rather than “hot memories.”
She literally learns to remember using the normal brain pathways rather than the PTSD pathways. Unfortunately, it is a painful process, like resetting a broken bone. I try to keep it as brief as possible, while getting the job done. You can help by assuring that your partner finds her way to an effective PTSD specialist, if she needs one.
Trigger Events
Does your partner have other, less dramatic problems associated with unwanted recollection? She may have “anniversary reactions” in which a seasonal reminder causes her to have sensations rather than memories. She may find that certain people or places bring back ugly images and sweaty palms. No harm in asking about this. In general, help her avoid these unwanted triggers with dignity. But if she chooses to risk confrontation (and possible PTSD symptoms) help with the plan. It may include a quick escape from her step-father’s house. It may require you to be near-by as she deals with a family dinner and formerly abusive relatives. The worst thing you can do is to set the agenda for her. That would be giving sugar to a diabetic.
You'll know if you are on the right track. You'll get positive feedback.
Emotional Distance
What if your partner is numb? She has little or no outward expression of feeling. You even wonder if she loves you. Give it time. Do not add insult to injury by blaming her for PTSD. Don't rush her into intimacy. If she is seeing a counselor, ask if you can come, too - or if you can visit her therapist alone. This is called a “collateral visit” and is covered by most insurance companies. Not every therapist allows this but I'm always interested, if my patient approves. This is my chance to explain the issues that I'm writing about here, and, more important, to listen carefully to the partner so that I can help him help her. Often I hear the question, “When is she going to get over it?” This is a proper question to ask, and if I cannot be accurate to the day, I can often explain what is going well, what is taking time, and what I expect in terms of the rate of recovery.
Overcoming that numb feeling and the distance from a loved one that accompanies emotional anesthesia is never easy to accomplish or to predict.
Medication
Your partner may benefit from medication. One of the newest anti-depressant drugs on the market is Lexapro. A very small dose (10 milligrams) taken daily for a few months could help with the mood impairment of PTSD. Lexapro is the active ingredient of Celexa and both drugs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). You can read up on the medications and be able to discuss them intelligently with your partner, should she find herself undecided about medication. When a person has major depression in addition to PTSD, it really is a “no-brainer.” Antidepressants are like insulin to a severe diabetic. Without them, the risks are high (prolonged depression, medical impairment, suicide). Antidepressants help over 70% of people with first episode, biological depression. I usually prescribe a SSRI for someone with PTSD and depressed mood.
Minor tranquilizers such as Xanax and Ativan are often helpful in the beginning, when symptoms are most intense, or during times of re-exposure to people and places associated with the original trauma. Unlike the antidepressants, however, these drugs can become habit-forming. And they do not mix well with alcohol.
Several types of medication help with sleep. Trazodone (originally marketed as Desyrel) helps with early morning wakening. If your partner awakens at 2 or 3 AM and cannot get back to sleep, this medication may be a godsend. And it is not addicting. It is actually an anti-depressant rather than a sedative, but it is no longer used as an anti-depressant. It does help most persons with “early morning” insomnia.
The medications that help a person fall asleep are habit-forming, and should be used sparingly. You can help by learning about these differences, by supporting the choices that your partner makes, with her doctor, and helping her feel good about herself, even if she requires medical assistance to function at her best.
Ministry of Presence
You might also help your partner, if she is “down,” by being there without imposing an agenda. As a Red Cross volunteer, I have dealt with hundreds of grieving loved ones, simply being there. We call it “the ministry of presence.” Nothing needs to be said. You do simple favors. You find a way to be occupied while the survivor does whatever she does.
Obviously, you reach a point when being there, and nothing more, is hard to do. The rules change as PTSD drags on. Some partners can talk about this; some have a difficult time communicating. Couples therapy can help - and you needn't see a PTSD specialist for that. Any good family or couples counselor can facilitate effective exchange and mutual solving of problems. There are support groups in some communities for persons who care for loved ones with chronic medical conditions. “First responders” to traumatic events are learning ways of being present for one another. Gift From Within produced a training film called, “When Helping Hurts,” to address this issue (available at http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/video4.html). You are now a “first responder,” too.
Ineffective Therapists
I realize, as I write about counselors and therapists, there are good ones and bad ones. If you visit http://www.ptsdinfo.org/ you will find a questionnaire. The results of the questionnaire change as more people post their answers, but a trend is already evident. Most visitors to the PTSD Information website are survivors of abuse. Most have been in therapy. Two-thirds report that they were dissatisfied with their therapist! While this may be a sample who are seeking information because of ineffective counseling, the startling fact is still worth noting. My advice: don't stay with a therapist whom you don't like or don't trust. Shop around. Ask friends about good therapists. If your partner doesn't feel good about her therapist, ask if you can help her find another. It may be embarrassing to leave a doctor. We are authority figures. Many survivors don't know how to say, “No,” to a father-figure. Of course, you have to be careful about turning into a too-dominating figure yourself. But you can succeed with some careful thought.
Anxiety
Finally, let’s consider the anxiety component of PTSD. Your partner probably has too much adrenalin in her system. It may not be quite that simple. Her fear threshold has been lowered and she is easily alarmed, even though a blood sample of adrenalin would be normal. There is no biological advantage in having one's fear threshold that low. Eventually, she doesn't trust her instincts, and that could be a bad mistake. So many people without PTSD have anxiety problems. And there are many, many ways to reduce anxiety. Alcohol is the classic - and the worst - medicine. But exercise, music, good food in healthy quantities, laughter, spiritual and inspirational activity are all tried and tested and true remedies. It is a matter of individual taste and individual choice. I have an essay on “Post-Traumatic Therapy” that appears on several websites (try http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/trauma.html, again). Read it for tips on increasing one's fitness and humor and spirituality. If your partner is anxious, but not depressed, she may be easy to help. I'd try the non-medication approaches first because the drugs that tranquilize are more addicting by far than the antidepressants. But minor tranquilizers do have a purpose and can make a huge difference, particularly in the early weeks of PTSD.
Summing Up
To sum this up, I'd say that being a partner, a friend, a spouse of someone with PTSD is both a burden and a gift. The term “caregiver burden” recognizes that you are at risk, particularly when you care deeply. You may need and deserve as much professional help as your partner. Or you may do fine without a therapist, as long as you take care of yourself, and then learn how to be effective as a help-mate.
Helping fellow human beings is the greatest gift any of us can experience. It really is better to give than to receive. And your opportunity to give begins with listening. Then with learning. Then with understanding. Sometimes, all you have to do is be there.
References:
(2) Volume 11 (2) 2002, “Reducing Caregiver Burden and Psychological Distress in Partners of Veterans with PTSD”.(back)
© Gift From Within & Frank M. Ochberg, MD
More to follow
Old Sarge
Partners With PTSD
by Frank Ochberg, M.D.
How does the Spouse React?
“I have suffered through many therapists that know squat about PTSD. All my "ah ha" moments have come from reading articles like yours and the few good books that are out there.
I wish someone would write an article just for family members and friends that helps them to understand PTSD, and directly addresses their roles and responsibilities. They should have some, should they not?
An alcoholic wouldn't be offered a drink, a diabetic some forbidden food. I know my analogies are not clear but hope you understand. Often I have some pretty good days only to be sabotaged by those I love most. At least it feels that way.”
This email request arrived recently. I don't know who voiced this legitimate call for help, but I hope to provide just what the writer seeks: an article for family members and intimate friends who want to understand PTSD, and to assume effective roles and responsibilities as caring partners.
If you are a partner of someone with PTSD, I thank you for reading this. Somebody who relies on you wants you to appreciate and respect the condition that haunts them. With so much in the popular press, on television and in movies that touches on trauma, it is easy to have partial information about traumatic stress, but to miss the full impact of this profound condition.
When I ask my patients, “Does your husband or wife or closest friend really understand?,” I seldom hear a confident, “Yes they do!” And when a spouse or loved one does understand, I feel relieved. The prognosis for improvement goes up considerably. I have an ally.
So if you are that person - the partner who is willing to set aside preconception and take the time to learn about PTSD, thank you again for your attention. Here goes!
What is PTSD?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a medical condition. It is a specific alteration in brain function due to experiencing something real, shocking, and profoundly disturbing. Not everybody responds to trauma with the PTSD pattern of mental change. Because of inherited and acquired predispositions, some will and some will not develop PTSD after very similar traumatic events. But once the circuits in the brain are affected by the PTSD pattern, a survivor has the following three problems:
Uncontrollable, Intrusive Memory
First: their memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into awareness, when it isn't wanted or welcome. This “hot memory” lasts minutes to hours and may be clear or altered, like a dream. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic. And she or he may feel entirely out of conscious control. Some of my patients fear they are going crazy. Often the trauma comes back in subtle ways - a fleeting feeling, a vague sense of disease. This may not be terrifying, but when it occurs frequently it changes one's whole sense of being the person they once were. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares, and the nightmare may have images that were never seen before, but resemble old demons from childhood. The worst memory symptom is the waking nightmare, the flashback. This is as vivid as reality, and may actually seem like reality. I've been there, with a patient having a flashback, several dozen times. It frightens me! We'll talk about managing your partner’s flashback later.
Emotional Anesthesia
Second: a person with PTSD feels like a shadow of their former self. I call this “emotional anesthesia.” Some tell me they have no feeling. They are distant and detached. They wish they had more zest for life and they know they disappoint those who want them to be interactive and lively. But the genuine desire to socialize just isn't there. Your partner may or may not be depressed. Being depressed is feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, and having no energy for the activities one feels she or he was put on earth to do. PTSD is not quite the same as depression, but may bring on an episode of depression (1).
This second element of PTSD is often called “being numb and avoidant.” Your loved one just isn't fully alive. You, the caring spouse or friend, can't make this medical symptom go away. But you can help your partner feel less guilty and embarrassed about having the affliction. We'll come back to managing this later, too.
Anxiety
Finally, PTSD makes a person anxious. Anxiety affects each of us differently. The usual pattern includes irritability, impaired concentration, sleep disturbance, being “jumpy” (easily startled), and worried about threats and threatening individuals. This last element of PTSD pattern anxiety is called “hypervigilance.” It isn't paranoia, but it may seem similar. Some of my patients are too nervous to be intimate. Sexuality is often sacrificed in the early weeks of PTSD.
It returns, but shouldn't be rushed. When partners can't communicate easily and effectively about sex and other private, personal subjects, matters inevitably grow worse. Your friend or loved one may be embarrassed and inhibited. Or you may be the one who would rather not discuss “touchy” issues. Or one of you could be the partner who talks too much, contributing to discomfort in the other. Remember, partners with PTSD are far more anxious than they were before they developed the disorder. They have too much adrenalin and it makes them less efficient, less effective, less able to control their behavior. They aren't sleeping restfully. They cannot concentrate fully. Loud noises make their hearts jump.
So there you have it. PTSD is a physical condition and it is real. It is not “in your head.” You can't talk someone out of it, or ignore it and assume it will just go away. It consists of three things:
(1) Haunting, unwanted, frightening recollections.
(2) Emotional anesthesia that diminishes and distances a person.
(3) Anxiety that affects sleep, concentration, serenity - and sometimes, sexuality.
By definition, PTSD lasts at least a month but the difficult cases last several years.
Before we get to your role as help-mate, let me add a few more points about traumatized people. Not all survivors develop the whole PTSD pattern, but they may have some of the symptoms mentioned above. The person with “partial PTSD” doesn't qualify for the medical diagnosis, but still needs your understanding and help.
However, many survivors of trauma have more than PTSD.
Complications of PTSD
Some survivors have additional medical and psychiatric conditions that complicate and prolong PTSD problems. Common among these are preexisting personality disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, chronic pain, and bereavement.
Childhood Abuse
Personality disorders may last a lifetime and include such traits as dependence, avoidance and a very insecure sense of self. This is not the place to discuss personality issues in depth. But it should be obvious that anyone who was severely harmed by a parent (incest, physical abuse, neglect) will adapt in ways that may expose her or him to further abuse from authority figures. Your partner may have PTSD related to early abuse and later abuse. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. For these survivors of childhood oppression, PTSD is less than half of their burden. A much larger issue for these partners is knowing whom to trust, when to trust, and how to trust. For now, let’s just agree that exposure to cruelty from a parent (or parent surrogate) creates more than PTSD and requires more information than I can give here.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Alcohol is such a common “fix” for insomnia and anxiety that most of my patients have reported dramatically increased use after major trauma. Many become alcohol dependent. Sometimes prescription drugs (often painkillers) or illicit drugs (often marijuana) are chosen and used, not for recreation, but for sedation. This may be the case with your partner, and if it is you face additional risks and burdens. PTSD plus alcoholism is more likely to become a chronic condition. PTSD plus pain from injury is likely to prolong recovery and include self-medication. When the trauma includes death of a loved one, normal grief is complicated by inescapable images of unnatural dying (see articles by E.K. Rynearson, M.D. on the http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/recovery.html website). War creates the battleground for all these complications.
Veterans of War and Violence
Alcoholic survivors may be males with PTSD from combat or from violent incidents that resemble combat. We shouldn't stereotype by gender, but I must point out that the “caregiver burden” for the wife of the traumatized vet is usually different than the role of the husband of the victimized wife. The male veteran with PTSD has a greater likelihood of being angry, aggressive, uncommunicative, secretly embarrassed and difficult to reach than the female with PTSD. Partners of male veterans have been systematically studied. A collection of these studies by Drs. Calhoun and Wampler in the National Center for PTSD Clinical Quarterly (2) includes the statement, “almost half of these women (partners) reported having felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’”
If you are a wife or significant other of a veteran who has become seriously impaired - and is also menacing to you because of PTSD, you are advised to seek professional help for yourself. However, Calhoun and Wampler caution, “many veterans suffering from chronic PTSD are openly distrustful and may view the involvement of their partner (in therapy) as a threat.” Somehow, you the wife of the veteran, need to assure your own physical safety as you learn to reduce your “caregiver burden” and help your husband overcome the anguish and humiliation of chronic PTSD.
The emerging literature on “caregiver burden,” aimed at helping the help-mate, justifies therapy and counseling and support groups for the partner of the person with chronic PTSD. Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most normal, caring partners. And the source of your partner’s PTSD need not be anything as dramatic as combat or violent crime to justify your own self-help. One of the most common causes of PTSD is the automobile accident.
Partners Helping Partners with PTSD
My guess is that, initially, most readers of this article will be women who have been abused and who want their partners to have reasonable expectations and to be supportive. Their partners, primarily male, will then read these words. But regardless of your gender, let me now speak specifically to you, the partner of the person with PTSD. I'll use “her” to refer to the partner with PTSD, but this applies equally to same-gender partners and women helping men.
Flashbacks
Your partner may have had a flashback at some point, or may be having them now. Do you know? Flashbacks are not the same as epileptic seizures, but we can consider them equally sudden, violent, and debilitating. You wouldn't want to elicit a flashback by mistake. In general, you can help with flashbacks by knowing whether your partner has them, and learning whether your presence during an episode is comforting or not.
Don't ask about the details of a flashback, since that might bring one on. Do ask if you have ever been particularly helpful in preventing or minimizing flashback effects. Build upon your natural ways of being supportive, and upon your partner’s individual needs. Some partners want to be physically embraced. Others are made more anxious by a man’s touch. Some partners do want to tell you details of terrifying memories, and they may want to repeat these details as a way of overcoming the threat. If it helps your partner, lend an ear. If you can't take it because you become too angry with a perpetrator or too overwhelmed with empathy, point that out. But be caring as you explain your limitation, and do your best to find ways of increasing your emotional resilience so that you can be an effective listener.
If your partner knows you are working at being able to handle her trauma history, you'll be respected rather than resented. If your partner is in therapy and her therapist has not done anything to help her overcome flashbacks, she may need a better therapist. Not every licensed mental health worker can treat the cardinal symptom of PTSD. I use something called “The Counting Method” (see http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/counting.html for details). Others use EMDR or “re-exposure therapy.” These techniques all allow survivors to remember their most traumatic moments (to the point of having a flashback in the office) but to get to the end of it and to eventually become confident about their ability to remember at will. In essence, your partner retrains her brain to have “cool memories” rather than “hot memories.”
She literally learns to remember using the normal brain pathways rather than the PTSD pathways. Unfortunately, it is a painful process, like resetting a broken bone. I try to keep it as brief as possible, while getting the job done. You can help by assuring that your partner finds her way to an effective PTSD specialist, if she needs one.
Trigger Events
Does your partner have other, less dramatic problems associated with unwanted recollection? She may have “anniversary reactions” in which a seasonal reminder causes her to have sensations rather than memories. She may find that certain people or places bring back ugly images and sweaty palms. No harm in asking about this. In general, help her avoid these unwanted triggers with dignity. But if she chooses to risk confrontation (and possible PTSD symptoms) help with the plan. It may include a quick escape from her step-father’s house. It may require you to be near-by as she deals with a family dinner and formerly abusive relatives. The worst thing you can do is to set the agenda for her. That would be giving sugar to a diabetic.
You'll know if you are on the right track. You'll get positive feedback.
Emotional Distance
What if your partner is numb? She has little or no outward expression of feeling. You even wonder if she loves you. Give it time. Do not add insult to injury by blaming her for PTSD. Don't rush her into intimacy. If she is seeing a counselor, ask if you can come, too - or if you can visit her therapist alone. This is called a “collateral visit” and is covered by most insurance companies. Not every therapist allows this but I'm always interested, if my patient approves. This is my chance to explain the issues that I'm writing about here, and, more important, to listen carefully to the partner so that I can help him help her. Often I hear the question, “When is she going to get over it?” This is a proper question to ask, and if I cannot be accurate to the day, I can often explain what is going well, what is taking time, and what I expect in terms of the rate of recovery.
Overcoming that numb feeling and the distance from a loved one that accompanies emotional anesthesia is never easy to accomplish or to predict.
Medication
Your partner may benefit from medication. One of the newest anti-depressant drugs on the market is Lexapro. A very small dose (10 milligrams) taken daily for a few months could help with the mood impairment of PTSD. Lexapro is the active ingredient of Celexa and both drugs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). You can read up on the medications and be able to discuss them intelligently with your partner, should she find herself undecided about medication. When a person has major depression in addition to PTSD, it really is a “no-brainer.” Antidepressants are like insulin to a severe diabetic. Without them, the risks are high (prolonged depression, medical impairment, suicide). Antidepressants help over 70% of people with first episode, biological depression. I usually prescribe a SSRI for someone with PTSD and depressed mood.
Minor tranquilizers such as Xanax and Ativan are often helpful in the beginning, when symptoms are most intense, or during times of re-exposure to people and places associated with the original trauma. Unlike the antidepressants, however, these drugs can become habit-forming. And they do not mix well with alcohol.
Several types of medication help with sleep. Trazodone (originally marketed as Desyrel) helps with early morning wakening. If your partner awakens at 2 or 3 AM and cannot get back to sleep, this medication may be a godsend. And it is not addicting. It is actually an anti-depressant rather than a sedative, but it is no longer used as an anti-depressant. It does help most persons with “early morning” insomnia.
The medications that help a person fall asleep are habit-forming, and should be used sparingly. You can help by learning about these differences, by supporting the choices that your partner makes, with her doctor, and helping her feel good about herself, even if she requires medical assistance to function at her best.
Ministry of Presence
You might also help your partner, if she is “down,” by being there without imposing an agenda. As a Red Cross volunteer, I have dealt with hundreds of grieving loved ones, simply being there. We call it “the ministry of presence.” Nothing needs to be said. You do simple favors. You find a way to be occupied while the survivor does whatever she does.
Obviously, you reach a point when being there, and nothing more, is hard to do. The rules change as PTSD drags on. Some partners can talk about this; some have a difficult time communicating. Couples therapy can help - and you needn't see a PTSD specialist for that. Any good family or couples counselor can facilitate effective exchange and mutual solving of problems. There are support groups in some communities for persons who care for loved ones with chronic medical conditions. “First responders” to traumatic events are learning ways of being present for one another. Gift From Within produced a training film called, “When Helping Hurts,” to address this issue (available at http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/video4.html). You are now a “first responder,” too.
Ineffective Therapists
I realize, as I write about counselors and therapists, there are good ones and bad ones. If you visit http://www.ptsdinfo.org/ you will find a questionnaire. The results of the questionnaire change as more people post their answers, but a trend is already evident. Most visitors to the PTSD Information website are survivors of abuse. Most have been in therapy. Two-thirds report that they were dissatisfied with their therapist! While this may be a sample who are seeking information because of ineffective counseling, the startling fact is still worth noting. My advice: don't stay with a therapist whom you don't like or don't trust. Shop around. Ask friends about good therapists. If your partner doesn't feel good about her therapist, ask if you can help her find another. It may be embarrassing to leave a doctor. We are authority figures. Many survivors don't know how to say, “No,” to a father-figure. Of course, you have to be careful about turning into a too-dominating figure yourself. But you can succeed with some careful thought.
Anxiety
Finally, let’s consider the anxiety component of PTSD. Your partner probably has too much adrenalin in her system. It may not be quite that simple. Her fear threshold has been lowered and she is easily alarmed, even though a blood sample of adrenalin would be normal. There is no biological advantage in having one's fear threshold that low. Eventually, she doesn't trust her instincts, and that could be a bad mistake. So many people without PTSD have anxiety problems. And there are many, many ways to reduce anxiety. Alcohol is the classic - and the worst - medicine. But exercise, music, good food in healthy quantities, laughter, spiritual and inspirational activity are all tried and tested and true remedies. It is a matter of individual taste and individual choice. I have an essay on “Post-Traumatic Therapy” that appears on several websites (try http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/trauma.html, again). Read it for tips on increasing one's fitness and humor and spirituality. If your partner is anxious, but not depressed, she may be easy to help. I'd try the non-medication approaches first because the drugs that tranquilize are more addicting by far than the antidepressants. But minor tranquilizers do have a purpose and can make a huge difference, particularly in the early weeks of PTSD.
Summing Up
To sum this up, I'd say that being a partner, a friend, a spouse of someone with PTSD is both a burden and a gift. The term “caregiver burden” recognizes that you are at risk, particularly when you care deeply. You may need and deserve as much professional help as your partner. Or you may do fine without a therapist, as long as you take care of yourself, and then learn how to be effective as a help-mate.
Helping fellow human beings is the greatest gift any of us can experience. It really is better to give than to receive. And your opportunity to give begins with listening. Then with learning. Then with understanding. Sometimes, all you have to do is be there.
References:
(2) Volume 11 (2) 2002, “Reducing Caregiver Burden and Psychological Distress in Partners of Veterans with PTSD”.(back)
© Gift From Within & Frank M. Ochberg, MD
More to follow
Old Sarge
Saturday, August 28, 2010
When PTSD goes untreated.........
Officer shot near Grand America Hotel; gunman shot and killed
By Aaron Falk
and Abigail Shaha
Deseret News
SALT LAKE CITY — A man in full combat gear — including body armor and hundreds of rounds of ammunition — opened fire on a Salt Lake patrol officer Friday afternoon near the Grand America Hotel — the third Utah officer to be shot in just two days.
At approximately 3:37, police got a 911 call saying a man with a gun was pacing along State Street between 500 South and 600 South, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Robin Snyder. The man, identified by Snyder as 28-year-old Brandon S. Barrett, was in full military combat uniform, including body armor, a helmet and combat boots. Barrett was also carrying numerous rounds of ammunition and a "long gun," though police are unsure whether it was an assault rifle or a shotgun.
By 3:41, police officers were at the scene. Barrett "engaged immediately" in shooting at the officers and shot one in the leg, Snyder said.
Police are unsure exactly how many shots Barrett and police officers fired, but in the end, Snyder said, she believes the officer who was hit was able to return fire and kill Barrett.
In the aftermath of a brief shootout, multiple bullet holes could be seen in the windshield of a patrol car, and the bloodied body of the gunman, dressed in fatigues, lay on a patch of grass near the hotel.
Story continues below
In a photograph taken by the Deseret News, the fallen shooter appears to have 11 clips strapped to his body. His uniform featured a patch with the letters "ISAF," possibly the International Security Assistance Force, which is a NATO-led security mission in Afghanistan.
Police believe Barrett was a U.S. Army veteran, most recently stationed at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Tacoma, Wash.
Pat Taylor and Tom Meyer of New Orleans said they were staying at the Grand America, near 600 South and State, and saw a man in fatigues as they were leaving the hotel's parking garage.
The man told Taylor and Meyer he was "training," and the two men said they thanked him for his service.
As they watched the man pace for a while, however, they became suspicious.
"We thought something was wrong," Taylor told the Deseret News. "I started to think he was going to kill somebody."
The men said they notified a passing Salt Lake police officer and contacted hotel security.
Minutes later, Taylor and Meyer said they heard as many as a dozen shots fired.
Other witnesses said they heard the firework-like sounds of gunshots and saw officers taking aim from behind patrol cars.
The unidentified officer was taken to the hospital in an ambulance with injuries that are not life-threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery, Snyder said. He has been placed on paid administrative leave.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700060866/Officer-shot-near-Grand-America-Hotel-gunman-shot-and-killed.html
By Aaron Falk
and Abigail Shaha
Deseret News
SALT LAKE CITY — A man in full combat gear — including body armor and hundreds of rounds of ammunition — opened fire on a Salt Lake patrol officer Friday afternoon near the Grand America Hotel — the third Utah officer to be shot in just two days.
At approximately 3:37, police got a 911 call saying a man with a gun was pacing along State Street between 500 South and 600 South, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Robin Snyder. The man, identified by Snyder as 28-year-old Brandon S. Barrett, was in full military combat uniform, including body armor, a helmet and combat boots. Barrett was also carrying numerous rounds of ammunition and a "long gun," though police are unsure whether it was an assault rifle or a shotgun.
By 3:41, police officers were at the scene. Barrett "engaged immediately" in shooting at the officers and shot one in the leg, Snyder said.
Police are unsure exactly how many shots Barrett and police officers fired, but in the end, Snyder said, she believes the officer who was hit was able to return fire and kill Barrett.
In the aftermath of a brief shootout, multiple bullet holes could be seen in the windshield of a patrol car, and the bloodied body of the gunman, dressed in fatigues, lay on a patch of grass near the hotel.
Story continues below
In a photograph taken by the Deseret News, the fallen shooter appears to have 11 clips strapped to his body. His uniform featured a patch with the letters "ISAF," possibly the International Security Assistance Force, which is a NATO-led security mission in Afghanistan.
Police believe Barrett was a U.S. Army veteran, most recently stationed at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Tacoma, Wash.
Pat Taylor and Tom Meyer of New Orleans said they were staying at the Grand America, near 600 South and State, and saw a man in fatigues as they were leaving the hotel's parking garage.
The man told Taylor and Meyer he was "training," and the two men said they thanked him for his service.
As they watched the man pace for a while, however, they became suspicious.
"We thought something was wrong," Taylor told the Deseret News. "I started to think he was going to kill somebody."
The men said they notified a passing Salt Lake police officer and contacted hotel security.
Minutes later, Taylor and Meyer said they heard as many as a dozen shots fired.
Other witnesses said they heard the firework-like sounds of gunshots and saw officers taking aim from behind patrol cars.
The unidentified officer was taken to the hospital in an ambulance with injuries that are not life-threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery, Snyder said. He has been placed on paid administrative leave.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700060866/Officer-shot-near-Grand-America-Hotel-gunman-shot-and-killed.html
Insomnia........concern/fear for others
Well, yesterday I got a few texts from a friend. They were suffering from panic attacks. I contacted their leadership to try to get them help. And I had to take my medication so I lost all communication with the world (thanks to the medications). I woke at 1am to 4 missed calls from their leadership and no texts from them.
Well, I figured, I'm wide awake now--thank you insomnia---so I gathered up my dog Kelsy and drove to the WTU. I text my friend to let them know I was there, even though I figured they were surely knocked out.
I wound up falling asleep in the back of my car with Kelsy, from around 3am until about 7. Still nothing from my friend. I remained concerned but I knew I had to go home, as I had two other dogs who needed to be let out. Shortly after I arrived home, I received a text that all was well. So, I took advantage of the opportunity to take a nap.
The dream I had, while I usually don't remember much when I wake, pretty much told me I needed to get home and soon. Mind you, I have been in for 14 years and therefore would never make the mistake of leaving on the wrong terms. But, I do know that I need to get home as soon as I am able. The dream consisted of so many different scenarios but the one that stood out the most was the work I did was the shelter my mom operates. We had a conversation yesterday about how full the shelter is at the moment. And in my dream I was on foot, transporting 4 animals to the shelter from god knows where. Folks who are not animal loves may just be scratching their head right now but to me this made me sad. Because of the number of animals that were along the route--the ones that were left behind--and the number that were at the shelter when I arrived. Overflowing. My analysis of this dream is my mom (she is the shelter--in my eyes) is overwhelmed and needs help, needs a release, someone she can rely on to ease her stress. So, I need to get home. And soon.
That is all for now......
Old Sarge Out!
Well, I figured, I'm wide awake now--thank you insomnia---so I gathered up my dog Kelsy and drove to the WTU. I text my friend to let them know I was there, even though I figured they were surely knocked out.
I wound up falling asleep in the back of my car with Kelsy, from around 3am until about 7. Still nothing from my friend. I remained concerned but I knew I had to go home, as I had two other dogs who needed to be let out. Shortly after I arrived home, I received a text that all was well. So, I took advantage of the opportunity to take a nap.
The dream I had, while I usually don't remember much when I wake, pretty much told me I needed to get home and soon. Mind you, I have been in for 14 years and therefore would never make the mistake of leaving on the wrong terms. But, I do know that I need to get home as soon as I am able. The dream consisted of so many different scenarios but the one that stood out the most was the work I did was the shelter my mom operates. We had a conversation yesterday about how full the shelter is at the moment. And in my dream I was on foot, transporting 4 animals to the shelter from god knows where. Folks who are not animal loves may just be scratching their head right now but to me this made me sad. Because of the number of animals that were along the route--the ones that were left behind--and the number that were at the shelter when I arrived. Overflowing. My analysis of this dream is my mom (she is the shelter--in my eyes) is overwhelmed and needs help, needs a release, someone she can rely on to ease her stress. So, I need to get home. And soon.
That is all for now......
Old Sarge Out!
*******TRIGGER WARNING********
I am putting this disclaimer out there. Please do not watch the following video if viewing IED's or direct fire will trigger your PTSD. This video was made by a film student to help bring awareness to the family and friends of PTSD sufferers.
If you need help you have avenues. The avenue addressed in this video is The National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 802-296-6300. I am providing this information so that if you DO have a propensity to be triggered by the above mentioned events, you do NOT have to view the video for this information.
I do not want anyone to be triggered by this video so I want you to know what the video includes without going into too large of detail. A Convoy being hit by an IED, a patrol being engaged, a medevac in progress. So, please don't watch if you think you may be triggered.
If you are a family member or a friend of a veteran and you feel they suffer from PTSD, please take advantage of the resources I've posted to help your loved one. They need your help and they may not even know it.
If you need help you have avenues. The avenue addressed in this video is The National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 802-296-6300. I am providing this information so that if you DO have a propensity to be triggered by the above mentioned events, you do NOT have to view the video for this information.
I do not want anyone to be triggered by this video so I want you to know what the video includes without going into too large of detail. A Convoy being hit by an IED, a patrol being engaged, a medevac in progress. So, please don't watch if you think you may be triggered.
If you are a family member or a friend of a veteran and you feel they suffer from PTSD, please take advantage of the resources I've posted to help your loved one. They need your help and they may not even know it.
Do you think PTSD isn't a problem?
Now, understand that this is not my video, just something I came across. The gentleman in this video is certainly suffering from PTSD. While I do not support some of the many anti-war protests going on, there are some I do not condemn either. I understand folks want the war to end, we all do. We're losing battle buddies over there. Regardless of how you feel about the war, we are Soldiers and we have a duty to follow the orders given to us by our leaders. It is our duty to protect this countries freedoms, and answer the call of war---wherever that may be.
This Veteran had a point: If you don't know anything about it, if you've never been there, then you have no reason to speak to judge. Of course, he says it in some pretty explicit language. But really, if you don't know anything about it, don't act like you do. And don't act like you understand what we have suffered through.
Here's the video:
An Iraq War Veteran is enraged by several people with peace signs on Stockdale Highway in B----------, CA. With army style fatigues, the man jumps out of his truck going Westbound in the middle of rush hour, yelling and cursing at the people holding peace signs. Are these symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? With a woman sitting in his truck, he quickly leaves after a few minutes of irate screaming and cursing. About twenty minutes later the man came back, traveling East bound, blocking traffic in the Northbound turning lane. This time he was alone. He pinned on his war medals wearing three medals of honor and carrying a neatly folded flag, perhaps a relative or friend who died serving in duty. The man was extremely upset and a testament to the unmeasured and detrimental effects of war that hit every one at home. Both times, including in this video, the man recklessly endangers lives and in a threatening manner. We need to take care of our soldiers and deal with the trauma of war. Our soldiers who know the need for freedom of speech should not be trained and suffer so badly so as to threaten individuals with political signs or terrorize and endanger the general public.
This Veteran had a point: If you don't know anything about it, if you've never been there, then you have no reason to speak to judge. Of course, he says it in some pretty explicit language. But really, if you don't know anything about it, don't act like you do. And don't act like you understand what we have suffered through.
Here's the video:
An Iraq War Veteran is enraged by several people with peace signs on Stockdale Highway in B----------, CA. With army style fatigues, the man jumps out of his truck going Westbound in the middle of rush hour, yelling and cursing at the people holding peace signs. Are these symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? With a woman sitting in his truck, he quickly leaves after a few minutes of irate screaming and cursing. About twenty minutes later the man came back, traveling East bound, blocking traffic in the Northbound turning lane. This time he was alone. He pinned on his war medals wearing three medals of honor and carrying a neatly folded flag, perhaps a relative or friend who died serving in duty. The man was extremely upset and a testament to the unmeasured and detrimental effects of war that hit every one at home. Both times, including in this video, the man recklessly endangers lives and in a threatening manner. We need to take care of our soldiers and deal with the trauma of war. Our soldiers who know the need for freedom of speech should not be trained and suffer so badly so as to threaten individuals with political signs or terrorize and endanger the general public.
So, it's been a while......
The last two posts were just rants. I'd like to now take the opportunity to update everyone as the last time I really posted was when I was going home on emergency leave. So, I suppose I should touch on this subject and update you all on me.
I departed for Michigan on the 19th of July. At very early in the morning, I had to catch my flight out of Killeen. This time around, I took my dress uniform. I knew this trip wasn't going to be a good one. My father was on a ventilator, suffering from yet another bought with pneumonia.
I thank the leadership of the WTU for their efforts to get me on emergency leave as soon as possible. I've never seen it go that quickly. The red cross message was sent and I had my flight within 5hrs....it's usually not that fast...especially on the weekend. So, to the leadership of the WTU, I thank you.
So, I'm due to land at 3pm. I get into Detroit and find that my next flight is due to leave in less than 10 minutes and the gates clear on the other side of the airport. So I'm running, because I can tell from the texts I'm receiving that things are not going well. I arrive at the gate only to find out my plane is broke. But I thank my lucky stars because otherwise I wouldn't have made that flight. I arrive in Alpena (an hour and a half away from the hospital, closest airport) at 2:57pm. A family friend picks me up and we head off to Gaylord. By 3:20 I get that phone call. The one no one wants to get. My father has passed away. I was too late. He just couldn't hang on any longer. To be honest, the christian in me says he knew that I was home...I may not have been there but I was home, and he knew that he could go.
So the remaining hour+ drive was misery for me. I couldn't speak, and the poor girl driving me was suffering from that awkward silence we all get when we see someone crying their eyes out. We don't know what to do you know? So, it made for a rough ride to the hospital.
I had the opportunity to see him, to say my goodbyes. My father played a pivotal role in the path I took in my life. I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me over the years and it meant so much to be able to say my goodbyes.
Being there for my mom, working around the house and at the animal shelter, helped me to cope with the pain inside. Being able to be the rock for her, made it a little easier for me to deal with everything. I needed something to focus on. I spent the majority of my time home cleaning the shelter warehouse and working in my dad's garage. Cleaning and organizing his belongings. My brother came up and took care of my father's office. And dealt with the dealings with the business. One less thing for my mom to have to stress about.
The funeral brought many people. I couldn't believe the number of people who came to pay their respects for my father and show their support for my mother. Well, I can, he was such a wonderful person. He dedicated himself to his employees and it showed in the outpouring of support. And his efforts with the animal shelter brought so many people it was truly heartwarming.
So, that is where I have been and why I haven't been blogging. But I am now back and will continue to blog and keep everyone updated. Thank you very much for reading and I hope to see you around next time.
Old Sarge Out!
I departed for Michigan on the 19th of July. At very early in the morning, I had to catch my flight out of Killeen. This time around, I took my dress uniform. I knew this trip wasn't going to be a good one. My father was on a ventilator, suffering from yet another bought with pneumonia.
I thank the leadership of the WTU for their efforts to get me on emergency leave as soon as possible. I've never seen it go that quickly. The red cross message was sent and I had my flight within 5hrs....it's usually not that fast...especially on the weekend. So, to the leadership of the WTU, I thank you.
So, I'm due to land at 3pm. I get into Detroit and find that my next flight is due to leave in less than 10 minutes and the gates clear on the other side of the airport. So I'm running, because I can tell from the texts I'm receiving that things are not going well. I arrive at the gate only to find out my plane is broke. But I thank my lucky stars because otherwise I wouldn't have made that flight. I arrive in Alpena (an hour and a half away from the hospital, closest airport) at 2:57pm. A family friend picks me up and we head off to Gaylord. By 3:20 I get that phone call. The one no one wants to get. My father has passed away. I was too late. He just couldn't hang on any longer. To be honest, the christian in me says he knew that I was home...I may not have been there but I was home, and he knew that he could go.
So the remaining hour+ drive was misery for me. I couldn't speak, and the poor girl driving me was suffering from that awkward silence we all get when we see someone crying their eyes out. We don't know what to do you know? So, it made for a rough ride to the hospital.
I had the opportunity to see him, to say my goodbyes. My father played a pivotal role in the path I took in my life. I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me over the years and it meant so much to be able to say my goodbyes.
Being there for my mom, working around the house and at the animal shelter, helped me to cope with the pain inside. Being able to be the rock for her, made it a little easier for me to deal with everything. I needed something to focus on. I spent the majority of my time home cleaning the shelter warehouse and working in my dad's garage. Cleaning and organizing his belongings. My brother came up and took care of my father's office. And dealt with the dealings with the business. One less thing for my mom to have to stress about.
The funeral brought many people. I couldn't believe the number of people who came to pay their respects for my father and show their support for my mother. Well, I can, he was such a wonderful person. He dedicated himself to his employees and it showed in the outpouring of support. And his efforts with the animal shelter brought so many people it was truly heartwarming.
So, that is where I have been and why I haven't been blogging. But I am now back and will continue to blog and keep everyone updated. Thank you very much for reading and I hope to see you around next time.
Old Sarge Out!
Disappointment......
As a Soldier, I have learned over the years that those closest to us may cause us pain and anguish at times, yet their always there for us when we need them. Or they should. Our trusted confidants are the only ones we can go to. The only ones we can vent to. When we cut them out of our lives, it can forever scar us. We may not see it at the time, given our anger or frustration in that individual. But it will eventually come to light.
I learned this lesson many years ago when I "held a grudge" against a friend. It took us a few years to reconnect and I am grateful that we were able to. Because they truly are one of my best friends. We've had our bad times, yet, when push comes to shove, we're always there for one another. No matter the miles between us. So, I am writing this blog today to remind everyone that those friends we have "pushed away" may be our only lifeline at one point. It is best to mend those bridges and keep those ties open. You never know when you may need their shoulder again.
Everyone makes mistakes. We all do. No one is perfect. And when your dealing with Soldiers who suffer from PTSD, we have to be understanding of some of the many underlying issues that haunt each other. We have to be compassionate when our friend is suffering. And we have to be forgiving if they lose their cool for a moment. We all know we suffer from many issues, and we depend on those friends closest to us to help us through these issues. If we cannot wipe the slate clean after one of us suffers an episode, we will soon run out of friends.
I am not one who takes sides. I understand the issues that plague us all. And I only want for my battles to understand that things happen and we each sink in that pit of dispair at our own moments. And all we have to depend on are our battles to pull us out. If we don't have that, we won't survive. PTSD is not a game, and if we feel that we are alone, we will most likely become the statistic. But if we have battles who understand, who will pull us up and out of that pit, then we can survive this. We have to work together. We have to come together and band together like the brothers and sisters that we are and protect one another. If we see one another falling in that pit, we have to be their lifeline. The only people who truly understand PTSD and all that goes with it, are those of us who suffer from it. So we have to stick together.
Mend those bridges, make peace with one another and forgive and forget for those moments when we fell into the pit. Be that lifeline so that we can survive and overcome.
That is all.
Old Sarge out!
I learned this lesson many years ago when I "held a grudge" against a friend. It took us a few years to reconnect and I am grateful that we were able to. Because they truly are one of my best friends. We've had our bad times, yet, when push comes to shove, we're always there for one another. No matter the miles between us. So, I am writing this blog today to remind everyone that those friends we have "pushed away" may be our only lifeline at one point. It is best to mend those bridges and keep those ties open. You never know when you may need their shoulder again.
Everyone makes mistakes. We all do. No one is perfect. And when your dealing with Soldiers who suffer from PTSD, we have to be understanding of some of the many underlying issues that haunt each other. We have to be compassionate when our friend is suffering. And we have to be forgiving if they lose their cool for a moment. We all know we suffer from many issues, and we depend on those friends closest to us to help us through these issues. If we cannot wipe the slate clean after one of us suffers an episode, we will soon run out of friends.
I am not one who takes sides. I understand the issues that plague us all. And I only want for my battles to understand that things happen and we each sink in that pit of dispair at our own moments. And all we have to depend on are our battles to pull us out. If we don't have that, we won't survive. PTSD is not a game, and if we feel that we are alone, we will most likely become the statistic. But if we have battles who understand, who will pull us up and out of that pit, then we can survive this. We have to work together. We have to come together and band together like the brothers and sisters that we are and protect one another. If we see one another falling in that pit, we have to be their lifeline. The only people who truly understand PTSD and all that goes with it, are those of us who suffer from it. So we have to stick together.
Mend those bridges, make peace with one another and forgive and forget for those moments when we fell into the pit. Be that lifeline so that we can survive and overcome.
That is all.
Old Sarge out!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Taking care of Soldiers/Each other
As an NCO, I have learned over the course of the last 7 years, that Soldiers need leaders who will stand up for them and protect them from the stupidity. It is important for a Soldier to be able to trust in their leadership. Otherwise, when push comes to shove, you know which Soldiers won't have your back, the one's you left in the dust.
It is also important to know the regulations and understand the policies put in place before you step on your Soldiers toes. It is our duty to locate the policies and read them. It is our duty to know them. And it is our duty as leaders to ensure that our Soldiers are aware of these regulations as well. And protect our Soldiers with these regulations and policies that were put in place to protect them.
Just voicing my opinion. That is all I am doing. No one is mentioned here so there should be no retaliation for this post. To be fair, I felt it necessary to remove some of my blogs. This is in an effort to come to a compromise. Why? Because the issues I addressed on here, are being addressed by the leadership of the WTU. So, to be fair, I will remove them from the public domain in hopes that it's a suitable compromise?
I do not wish to make my blog private because there are many Soldiers, past and present, who suffer from PTSD and therefore I do not wish to prevent them from having a place to go to see that their not alone. I cannot do that. I am all about helping people and even if its a complete stranger. So, I will continue to allow my blog to be public and to be fair, I will give the leadership of the WTU an opportunity to rectify the issues I have brought to light and I will keep those issues off this blog. Is that a fair enough compromise? Since I now know that our blogs are being monitored.
While I understand that some wish to monitor and report others, I have never made any statements that would result in my being reported to the chain of command. There is no reason why I should be seeing anyone in the chain of command in regards to this blog. I only have this blog to help fellow Soldiers understand that they are not alone and bring awareness to PTSD and what it does to us.
Old Sarge Out!
It is also important to know the regulations and understand the policies put in place before you step on your Soldiers toes. It is our duty to locate the policies and read them. It is our duty to know them. And it is our duty as leaders to ensure that our Soldiers are aware of these regulations as well. And protect our Soldiers with these regulations and policies that were put in place to protect them.
Just voicing my opinion. That is all I am doing. No one is mentioned here so there should be no retaliation for this post. To be fair, I felt it necessary to remove some of my blogs. This is in an effort to come to a compromise. Why? Because the issues I addressed on here, are being addressed by the leadership of the WTU. So, to be fair, I will remove them from the public domain in hopes that it's a suitable compromise?
I do not wish to make my blog private because there are many Soldiers, past and present, who suffer from PTSD and therefore I do not wish to prevent them from having a place to go to see that their not alone. I cannot do that. I am all about helping people and even if its a complete stranger. So, I will continue to allow my blog to be public and to be fair, I will give the leadership of the WTU an opportunity to rectify the issues I have brought to light and I will keep those issues off this blog. Is that a fair enough compromise? Since I now know that our blogs are being monitored.
While I understand that some wish to monitor and report others, I have never made any statements that would result in my being reported to the chain of command. There is no reason why I should be seeing anyone in the chain of command in regards to this blog. I only have this blog to help fellow Soldiers understand that they are not alone and bring awareness to PTSD and what it does to us.
Old Sarge Out!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Today's Leadership.......
I guess today was the day when my boiling point reached its max. Here's how it went. I was just getting out of my appointment at TBI when I saw a young Soldier limping away from the ER.....he was a couple of blocks away. I did a u-turn and went back to the Soldier and asked him where he was headed. Clear creek he says. Which instantly pissed me off. I told him to get in and I gave him a ride to where he needed to go. Turned out his unit made him walk TO the ER and then back. WTF?!?! So, needless to say, I was pretty damn hot under the collar by the time I made it back to WTU.
Then a fellow Soldier, who moved to WTU with me, tells me how his day's gone. He's got serious back problems. They put him on the CSM's detail, sweeping, mopping and picking up trash. WTF? So, by this time, I demand to speak to the 1SG about my concerns. I'm beyond livid with the lack of true leadership I have been seeing as of late. And it's not just at the WTU, but all over post. My old unit, 1st Cav Division (the walking Soldier), 3rd ACR (observing these guys doing the lawn details everyday), and others.
I have come to realize that NCO's who actually LISTEN to their Soldiers and truly KNOW their Soldiers, are very few and far between. We're a dying breed and the Army is suffering because of it. Their promoting these Soldiers BEFORE their ready to handle the responsibility of taking care of Soldiers and its been a trickling effect. Now Soldiers don't care because their leaders don't care because their leaders don't care and so on and so forth. It's depressing. When you're so accustomed to taking care of Soldiers and your ripped from that job and placed on the bench, forced to watch the mistreatment without taking action, it breaks your heart. I'm sitting here on the bench getting beyond pissed off at the coach and ref because their treating their guys like shit and don't care if they fall out or further injure themselves. So long as their still in the "game" even partway, that's all that matters. The moment their out of the fight, they wipe their hands of them. And they DON'T help them get the help they need. All they care about are numbers.
Needless to say today was a pretty bad day for me. I'm still hot under the collar but at least I know one person will listen to me and is willing to help make a change. And she has far more pull than I do. Given my position, I have no pull whatsoever, all I can do is listen to these Soldiers complaints and wish I could stand up for them to their leaders. I can't do that but I can't be a quiet, behind the scenes advocate for them with the help of this 1SG. Let's hope it makes a difference.
Then a fellow Soldier, who moved to WTU with me, tells me how his day's gone. He's got serious back problems. They put him on the CSM's detail, sweeping, mopping and picking up trash. WTF? So, by this time, I demand to speak to the 1SG about my concerns. I'm beyond livid with the lack of true leadership I have been seeing as of late. And it's not just at the WTU, but all over post. My old unit, 1st Cav Division (the walking Soldier), 3rd ACR (observing these guys doing the lawn details everyday), and others.
I have come to realize that NCO's who actually LISTEN to their Soldiers and truly KNOW their Soldiers, are very few and far between. We're a dying breed and the Army is suffering because of it. Their promoting these Soldiers BEFORE their ready to handle the responsibility of taking care of Soldiers and its been a trickling effect. Now Soldiers don't care because their leaders don't care because their leaders don't care and so on and so forth. It's depressing. When you're so accustomed to taking care of Soldiers and your ripped from that job and placed on the bench, forced to watch the mistreatment without taking action, it breaks your heart. I'm sitting here on the bench getting beyond pissed off at the coach and ref because their treating their guys like shit and don't care if they fall out or further injure themselves. So long as their still in the "game" even partway, that's all that matters. The moment their out of the fight, they wipe their hands of them. And they DON'T help them get the help they need. All they care about are numbers.
Needless to say today was a pretty bad day for me. I'm still hot under the collar but at least I know one person will listen to me and is willing to help make a change. And she has far more pull than I do. Given my position, I have no pull whatsoever, all I can do is listen to these Soldiers complaints and wish I could stand up for them to their leaders. I can't do that but I can't be a quiet, behind the scenes advocate for them with the help of this 1SG. Let's hope it makes a difference.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Back in Texas.....
Well, I'm back in Texas after 20 days of high emotions, and lots of tears.
How it started. My mom calls me to let me know my fathers back in the hospital with pneumonia again. This time he's on a ventilator. After a few not so good days at the hospital, I get her to call Red Cross to send an urgent message back here to Fort Hood's WTU. That was Sunday, July 18th. By Sunday night, thanks to an awesome First Sergeant and Platoon Sergeant, I had a flight to Michigan at 0630 Monday morning (July 19th). Oh and I should mention the gentleman at Fort Sill, OK who got me the AER loan on a sunday night. This is the stuff that really refreshes my memory of the times when the Army really took care of their Soldiers. This is a prime example that there are some still serving who still follow this path. I am grateful for the leadership and their efforts to get me home as soon as possible.
So I get on the plane at 0600 in the morning and continue my travels to Northern Michigan. I check in with Mom, he's still stable, and I hop on the next leg of the trip. I get to Detroit and worry I won't make my next flight because we landed late and my connecting flight was already supposed to be boarding. The gate was clear across the airport......long hike. I did my pt test in the airport that day. Made it to the gate to find out our plane to Alpena was broke and we were delayed. Great.
I let mom know about the plane and I let the girl whose picking me up know I might be late. But to plan for me to be there at 2:55pm anyways. Luckily I landed at 2:57. We hit the road. It's another hour and a half drive to the hospital my dad is in. And so we're driving and then my mom calls. It was about 3:15pm when my mom calls me. He's gone. The tears start rolling. I can't believe it. I tried to so hard to get there before but it just wasn't happening. It was his time. And I am grateful that he's no longer suffering. That much I am so very grateful for.
So I finally get to the hospital and my mom and her sister are sitting outside waiting for me. I go up to my dad's room and I say my goodbyes. And I thank the staff for all their efforts. They did so well, taking care of him. They weren't those kind of people that come in, give you your meds, or your food and walk out without any conversation. They actually sat down and would talk to my dad. He had that effect on people. He was a very good man who always liked to see people smile. He was giving and wanted everyone to enjoy the joys of life as much as possible. If he saw a person in need, he'd bend over backwards to help them. That was my father. And even now, his effect on people, his giving nature continues to spread. His biggest passion these last 10 years was the Elk Country Animal Shelter and his dying wishes were that folks donate to the shelter in his honor if they so wished. And they did. It's truly amazing how many people he touched.
So, after getting mom home and starting the process of going through all my fathers belongings and parting with all the medical home care equipment that was there. We started going through all the photos he'ld taken over the years. And all the pictures we managed to get of him over the year when we could get the camara out of his hands. It was heartwrenching, yet so good to reminisce. My brother and I spent alot of time catching up. And talking about all the different things we did as kids to cause our parents heartache.
Then it came time for the service. I'm in my dress uniform and my brothers wearing of my dad's suit's. He's looking pretty sharp, looks alot like my grandpa (mom's side). So many people came. I was truly amazed at the outpouring of support that was given. I think I cried the most that day. My dress uniform as tear drops all down the front. I just couldn't keep that stone face anymore. And my mom has suffered so much alone, I couldn't help but cry for her.
Now that I am back here, I want nothing more than to leave...right now and go back there to be there for my mom. She needs my help, she needs someone there she can talk to. She's like me, she doesn't open up to just anybody. She bottles up those emotions and well, it very well could result in her having a breakdown if she doesn't have someone to talk to. So, I want to leave this place and go back to Michigan, forever. I want this MEB to be done with. I want to know where I stand and get my things together and just go. I must be there for my mom. And so, this waiting game here at the WTU is going to drive me insane. And the more they mess with us Soldiers, the more frustrated I will get. Because I don't want to be here. I want to be home.
How it started. My mom calls me to let me know my fathers back in the hospital with pneumonia again. This time he's on a ventilator. After a few not so good days at the hospital, I get her to call Red Cross to send an urgent message back here to Fort Hood's WTU. That was Sunday, July 18th. By Sunday night, thanks to an awesome First Sergeant and Platoon Sergeant, I had a flight to Michigan at 0630 Monday morning (July 19th). Oh and I should mention the gentleman at Fort Sill, OK who got me the AER loan on a sunday night. This is the stuff that really refreshes my memory of the times when the Army really took care of their Soldiers. This is a prime example that there are some still serving who still follow this path. I am grateful for the leadership and their efforts to get me home as soon as possible.
So I get on the plane at 0600 in the morning and continue my travels to Northern Michigan. I check in with Mom, he's still stable, and I hop on the next leg of the trip. I get to Detroit and worry I won't make my next flight because we landed late and my connecting flight was already supposed to be boarding. The gate was clear across the airport......long hike. I did my pt test in the airport that day. Made it to the gate to find out our plane to Alpena was broke and we were delayed. Great.
I let mom know about the plane and I let the girl whose picking me up know I might be late. But to plan for me to be there at 2:55pm anyways. Luckily I landed at 2:57. We hit the road. It's another hour and a half drive to the hospital my dad is in. And so we're driving and then my mom calls. It was about 3:15pm when my mom calls me. He's gone. The tears start rolling. I can't believe it. I tried to so hard to get there before but it just wasn't happening. It was his time. And I am grateful that he's no longer suffering. That much I am so very grateful for.
So I finally get to the hospital and my mom and her sister are sitting outside waiting for me. I go up to my dad's room and I say my goodbyes. And I thank the staff for all their efforts. They did so well, taking care of him. They weren't those kind of people that come in, give you your meds, or your food and walk out without any conversation. They actually sat down and would talk to my dad. He had that effect on people. He was a very good man who always liked to see people smile. He was giving and wanted everyone to enjoy the joys of life as much as possible. If he saw a person in need, he'd bend over backwards to help them. That was my father. And even now, his effect on people, his giving nature continues to spread. His biggest passion these last 10 years was the Elk Country Animal Shelter and his dying wishes were that folks donate to the shelter in his honor if they so wished. And they did. It's truly amazing how many people he touched.
So, after getting mom home and starting the process of going through all my fathers belongings and parting with all the medical home care equipment that was there. We started going through all the photos he'ld taken over the years. And all the pictures we managed to get of him over the year when we could get the camara out of his hands. It was heartwrenching, yet so good to reminisce. My brother and I spent alot of time catching up. And talking about all the different things we did as kids to cause our parents heartache.
Then it came time for the service. I'm in my dress uniform and my brothers wearing of my dad's suit's. He's looking pretty sharp, looks alot like my grandpa (mom's side). So many people came. I was truly amazed at the outpouring of support that was given. I think I cried the most that day. My dress uniform as tear drops all down the front. I just couldn't keep that stone face anymore. And my mom has suffered so much alone, I couldn't help but cry for her.
Now that I am back here, I want nothing more than to leave...right now and go back there to be there for my mom. She needs my help, she needs someone there she can talk to. She's like me, she doesn't open up to just anybody. She bottles up those emotions and well, it very well could result in her having a breakdown if she doesn't have someone to talk to. So, I want to leave this place and go back to Michigan, forever. I want this MEB to be done with. I want to know where I stand and get my things together and just go. I must be there for my mom. And so, this waiting game here at the WTU is going to drive me insane. And the more they mess with us Soldiers, the more frustrated I will get. Because I don't want to be here. I want to be home.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Will not be blogging......
I will not be blogging for the next 15 days due to going home on emergency leave. My fathers health has taken a drastic turn for the worse so I am going home to be with him and my mom. This is going to be a tough time for me....I pray that God gives me the strength to remain strong for my mom. She needs my strength right now, my shoulder to lean on. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers and I will update you when I return.
Old Sarge out
Old Sarge out
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My father
Its looking like my father's losing his battle with cancer and pneumonia. He's been in the hospital with pneumonia for a week now and my mom's been called back to the hospital...her presence is needed per the doc. He's deteriorating and I'm stuck here in Texas unable to get there fast enough. What I wouldn't give to be there right now. It's not looking good and my mom's all alone. Granted, her sisters with her, but still. I feel helpless here. I can't do anything. I can't jump in the car and be there in 20 minutes. I have to wait for the Army to let me go....so at minimum I'm stuck here lying in wait til tomorrow at the earliest...if I can get a ticket out of my own pocket (which I can't) or until after I receive an AER loan on monday. My chances of getting there in time are probably pretty slim. :( Keep him in your prayers please....he needs all the prayers he can get.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Kelsy
Keep tabs on Kelsy and her work at the Fort Hood R&R Center on her own blog. Follow her story :)
Today I don't have any other appointments aside from Kelsy's visit at R&R so we shall see what I have to blog for you about todays events.
Yesterday I had the scrimmage with the panel. Not sure how it works, but I made mention of some of my issues. For the most part, everyone on that panel has done their part to help me out so I didn't have anything harsh to say about them. I felt it not appropriate to mention my issues about the unit to that panel. 90% of those folks had nothing to do with the issues I have. So, I'll be using a different approach with my complaints. I will be requesting to speak with the 1SG about my concerns. Perhaps that's a better approach? We shall see.
Thanks for stopping in...look forward to tonights blog once I'm back from todays events....
Old Sarge Out
Thursday, July 15, 2010
What can I expect today?
Well, my first appointment is with the TBI Clinic. I'll be discussing my sleep interruptions that I have been having lately. I find myself having dreams, sometimes nightmares, but mostly just odd dreams and I find that I'm waking myself up talking lol. It sounds funny but its gotten old so its not so funny anymore. I end up pissed off when I open my eyes after hearing my own voice. Its rather frustrating. And I find that no matter what I do, I won't be able to go right back to sleep. It usually takes me about 2 hours to knock back out. So I may be getting a good 3-4 hours of sleep, but then I have to sneak in the last 2-3 after having been awake for a few hours. Most often than not I find myself cleaning the house at 2 in the morning while I wait for my body to decide its time to go back to sleep. I hate feeling so tired. And the medications make me feel drunk and that really is a feeling I have grown to despise over the years. I don't drink, haven't in a while and never plan to again. I hate the feeling it causes. And these medications make you feel that way. You feel drunk, you stumble around the house making your way to bed. And when you wake up, it truly feels like a hangover yet you still feel drunk too. I really can't stand that feeling. But, I have to take the meds otherwise I'd never sleep. So I guess I have to deal with it. I just wish my body would actually take the training I have put it under. Like taking the meds at a certain time. There for about a week, it worked. I had to take the meds at midnight in order to sleep all the way to the alarm, here lately that isn't even working. So, I'll fall asleep at midnight and wake up 2 hours later. Now thats definetely not good sleep. And I find myself trying to catch naps throughout the day but I know thats not conducive to trying to fix this issue. I just wish the thoughts and dreams and nightmares would stop so I could sleep completely through the night. It comes and goes, there are good days and there are bad days. There are days when I do make it all the way to the alarm. Yet on other days, I'm up 2hrs before the alarm which really irritates me. So I'm already cranky when I report into work and that's not a good thing.
Well, after the TBI clinic appt I have the "scrimmage" with the WTU folks. How am I going to go about voicing my concerns without making them feel like I'm bashing them directly? Because its certainly not my squad leader causing these problems. It's not my platoon sergeant or my first sergeant. Its not my case manager, he's great. Its not my social worker or my primary care manager. So, how do I voice my concerns about how things are run at the WTU without them taking direct offense to what I am trying to say? Perhaps I just need to share my suggestions with them to pass along to the leaders above them? Perhaps thats the approach I should use. Because its not my direct line of individuals working for me, its the folks above them that do not see what we as WT's go through on a daily basis and how demoralized we feel every day they have us do the taskings that we do. I have to prepare myself for this meeting, so that I can voice my concerns in a manner that is professional and allows them to see my point of view on the entire situation. I keep a daily log of all my appointments that tracks everything I have on my schedule. Perhaps with that I can prove that for some, who are worse off than I, seeking a job or attending school (in a classroom) is not an option that is fessible. Perhaps then they will take my suggestions to the powers that be in order to better improve the lives of the Soldiers here. The fact that I am working with Kelsy with the therapy dog thing, it gives me a sense of purpose outside of the WTU. Rather than sit at the WTU doing nothing, I'm giving back by being there at the R&R for any Soldier who wishes to reach out to Kelsy. It's something at least.
Well, off to do what I must. I hope that today goes smoothly and I look forward to returning home after the scrimmage, picking up Kelsy and heading back to the R&R for her 2nd day on the "job" :) I know she's looking forward to it. :)
Thanks for reading. More to follow.
Old Sarge Out!
Well, after the TBI clinic appt I have the "scrimmage" with the WTU folks. How am I going to go about voicing my concerns without making them feel like I'm bashing them directly? Because its certainly not my squad leader causing these problems. It's not my platoon sergeant or my first sergeant. Its not my case manager, he's great. Its not my social worker or my primary care manager. So, how do I voice my concerns about how things are run at the WTU without them taking direct offense to what I am trying to say? Perhaps I just need to share my suggestions with them to pass along to the leaders above them? Perhaps thats the approach I should use. Because its not my direct line of individuals working for me, its the folks above them that do not see what we as WT's go through on a daily basis and how demoralized we feel every day they have us do the taskings that we do. I have to prepare myself for this meeting, so that I can voice my concerns in a manner that is professional and allows them to see my point of view on the entire situation. I keep a daily log of all my appointments that tracks everything I have on my schedule. Perhaps with that I can prove that for some, who are worse off than I, seeking a job or attending school (in a classroom) is not an option that is fessible. Perhaps then they will take my suggestions to the powers that be in order to better improve the lives of the Soldiers here. The fact that I am working with Kelsy with the therapy dog thing, it gives me a sense of purpose outside of the WTU. Rather than sit at the WTU doing nothing, I'm giving back by being there at the R&R for any Soldier who wishes to reach out to Kelsy. It's something at least.
Well, off to do what I must. I hope that today goes smoothly and I look forward to returning home after the scrimmage, picking up Kelsy and heading back to the R&R for her 2nd day on the "job" :) I know she's looking forward to it. :)
Thanks for reading. More to follow.
Old Sarge Out!
Therapy dog---blog removed and relocated
I've removed this blog and moved it over to Kelsy's OWN blog. So, check out her blog if you want to keep up on her progress: http://therapy4troops.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Log your days.....
I advise everyone at the WTB to keep a diary of their daily life at the unit. Ok, so the blog is sort of a diary, and yet, not the type of diary I'm speaking of.
In order to make change in the Army, i.e. when filing a complaint with the I.G., seeing documentation of the action that led to the complaint.
So, my advise to everyone having issues, to keep a daily log of everything that you do while at the WTU. The good and the bad folks. Document both. Because it is truly very important not to mess with the jobs of those who are working hard for you. So be sure to document both. It is critical.
I wish no ill will on my immediate chain of command, because they have been supportive of me since my arrival at the WTB. It's the stuff the higher ups are making the cadre have us do, and the cadre really has no choice but to comply. I mean yes, maybe they could fight for us, but at the same time, I understand why they might not think they could. Some of these details they put us on, are typical of regular Army units.....for the lowest ranking individuals within the ranks. These details are known to most Soldiers in the Army as the shit details. So, answer me this question, why are Soldiers who are not in trouble doing the shit details? Just curious. Yet, I don't blame the leaders for not fighting the battle because in a sense, I could see why they would think it would be a losing battle. Yet, I'm standing up and voicing my concerns regardless. If it doesn't change things, I at least tried. But I am hoping it does set the course for positive change at the WTB. Because these Soldiers deserve much better than what their currently getting.
So, because of things like this, I highly suggest the Soldiers log their daily activities while at the WTU so that their concerns can be heard. If I have to be the one to voice everyones concerns, I will do it. I just worry about how my MEB will turn out because of it. So, I'm kinda doing it behind a black screen in the meantime.
Old Sarge out
In order to make change in the Army, i.e. when filing a complaint with the I.G., seeing documentation of the action that led to the complaint.
So, my advise to everyone having issues, to keep a daily log of everything that you do while at the WTU. The good and the bad folks. Document both. Because it is truly very important not to mess with the jobs of those who are working hard for you. So be sure to document both. It is critical.
I wish no ill will on my immediate chain of command, because they have been supportive of me since my arrival at the WTB. It's the stuff the higher ups are making the cadre have us do, and the cadre really has no choice but to comply. I mean yes, maybe they could fight for us, but at the same time, I understand why they might not think they could. Some of these details they put us on, are typical of regular Army units.....for the lowest ranking individuals within the ranks. These details are known to most Soldiers in the Army as the shit details. So, answer me this question, why are Soldiers who are not in trouble doing the shit details? Just curious. Yet, I don't blame the leaders for not fighting the battle because in a sense, I could see why they would think it would be a losing battle. Yet, I'm standing up and voicing my concerns regardless. If it doesn't change things, I at least tried. But I am hoping it does set the course for positive change at the WTB. Because these Soldiers deserve much better than what their currently getting.
So, because of things like this, I highly suggest the Soldiers log their daily activities while at the WTU so that their concerns can be heard. If I have to be the one to voice everyones concerns, I will do it. I just worry about how my MEB will turn out because of it. So, I'm kinda doing it behind a black screen in the meantime.
Old Sarge out
Logged....
So today I decided to log how my day started. This way one can see just what happens from first formation til the last.
0900: Company formation
0910: Meet with my nurse case manager for an appt to get my hands looked at. He was able to get me an appt for next week. So far so good right?
0920: Take out the trash of every civilian and cadre member that works in our buildings.
0945: sweep every office in our buildings
1000: sweep rocks off the sidewalk
1025: Sign out of the WTU to go visit counselor/lunch and OT appt
1030: Go visit with counselor at R&R about therapy dog idea
1130: Lunch
1300: Occupational Therapy appt. Give them my plans to work for a contractor on post while waiting for my MEB to finish, and doing the therapy dog thing at the R&R. OT is very supportive of both my tasks I wish to take on.
1400: Report back to WTU and sign in
1430: Sign out to return to R&R
1445: Sign letter to head doctor at R&R requesting that my therapy dog in training be allowed to continue her training at the R&R clinic.
1500: Report back to WTU and sign back in
1600: Formation
1610: Soldiers selected to go back through and clean all the offices again, my duty day was up so I was permitted to leave
Ok, so thats just today. On days when I don't have any appt's or running around to do, I'm sure it'll look even worse. But today it was pretty crazy.
Now, please don't misconstrue this. I will ensure that you understand that I do not fault my squad leader or my platoon sergeant. I do not fault my first sergeant. I don't know the company commander so I don't know. I, after having observed a number of things, feel as though this is something at minimum 4 rungs higher on the ladder than my squad leader. So, understand, my squad leader has helped me out a great deal. I haven't had to utilize my platoon sergeant which is a good thing. The first sergeant has backed my therapy dog mission I'd asked to take on. So I don't fault her either. I believe the issues we have is far above them. So, understand that I fault no one in my direct line of the chain of command...because they have been extremely helpful with what they could control.
I understand not wanting them to go hang out in their rooms or go hide at home, however, if you are going to force them to remain at the WTU or force them to go look for a job or go to school---allow them the time to do so. I am farely certain that the only reason I was able to up and leave those two times to go see my counselor is because of my rank. But thats besides the point. On any given day, these Soldiers are forced to sit on WTU grounds with nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to do with their time. How about a computer lab? How about encouraging folks from the job fairs to come by and speak with some of these Soldiers? How about resume writing classes held there on the grounds? A number of these Soldiers don't have cars, nor do they have time to run across post to go take a class when they have 3-4 sometimes 5 appt's a day. But something can be done to make life a little easier for them when it comes to the transition. How about helping prepare them for the transition by providing them the services offered by ACAP ON SITE?
It makes sense, that's the problem.
Old Sarge out
0900: Company formation
0910: Meet with my nurse case manager for an appt to get my hands looked at. He was able to get me an appt for next week. So far so good right?
0920: Take out the trash of every civilian and cadre member that works in our buildings.
0945: sweep every office in our buildings
1000: sweep rocks off the sidewalk
1025: Sign out of the WTU to go visit counselor/lunch and OT appt
1030: Go visit with counselor at R&R about therapy dog idea
1130: Lunch
1300: Occupational Therapy appt. Give them my plans to work for a contractor on post while waiting for my MEB to finish, and doing the therapy dog thing at the R&R. OT is very supportive of both my tasks I wish to take on.
1400: Report back to WTU and sign in
1430: Sign out to return to R&R
1445: Sign letter to head doctor at R&R requesting that my therapy dog in training be allowed to continue her training at the R&R clinic.
1500: Report back to WTU and sign back in
1600: Formation
1610: Soldiers selected to go back through and clean all the offices again, my duty day was up so I was permitted to leave
Ok, so thats just today. On days when I don't have any appt's or running around to do, I'm sure it'll look even worse. But today it was pretty crazy.
Now, please don't misconstrue this. I will ensure that you understand that I do not fault my squad leader or my platoon sergeant. I do not fault my first sergeant. I don't know the company commander so I don't know. I, after having observed a number of things, feel as though this is something at minimum 4 rungs higher on the ladder than my squad leader. So, understand, my squad leader has helped me out a great deal. I haven't had to utilize my platoon sergeant which is a good thing. The first sergeant has backed my therapy dog mission I'd asked to take on. So I don't fault her either. I believe the issues we have is far above them. So, understand that I fault no one in my direct line of the chain of command...because they have been extremely helpful with what they could control.
I understand not wanting them to go hang out in their rooms or go hide at home, however, if you are going to force them to remain at the WTU or force them to go look for a job or go to school---allow them the time to do so. I am farely certain that the only reason I was able to up and leave those two times to go see my counselor is because of my rank. But thats besides the point. On any given day, these Soldiers are forced to sit on WTU grounds with nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to do with their time. How about a computer lab? How about encouraging folks from the job fairs to come by and speak with some of these Soldiers? How about resume writing classes held there on the grounds? A number of these Soldiers don't have cars, nor do they have time to run across post to go take a class when they have 3-4 sometimes 5 appt's a day. But something can be done to make life a little easier for them when it comes to the transition. How about helping prepare them for the transition by providing them the services offered by ACAP ON SITE?
It makes sense, that's the problem.
Old Sarge out
Thursday, July 8, 2010
MEB/DES
Well, today I had my Psych Eval with DES. While he tried to keep from putting me back in that place, it was inevitable. He asked key questions regarding what I had endured but didn't force me to go into detail. But, there was really no stopping it you know? When you open that can of worms its impossible to stop. So, in a sense I had to relive that which haunts me yet again today. Does it make it any easier to deal with? Yes and no. Hearing someone tell you you definetely have endured a great deal and not blow off your symptoms affirms your concerns. And tells you your not crazy....and your not alone. So, yes, in a way it is a good thing. But the bad thing is, it takes you a number of steps back on progress every time you have to "relive" it.
So tonights kind of a bad night for me. I'm back in that dark place, where guilt and anger eat at me. Yet, I know I had no control over what happened back in 2003, however I can't help but feel guilty. Why couldn't it have been me? Why'd it have to be him? Why'd it have to be the guy who never met his baby girl? Why not me? I still find myself asking that question even though the logical part of me is saying there was nothing I could do about it...there was no way I could have taken his place. Yet...it still eats at me you know?
Everyone copes in their own way and I'm finding that taking on the task of training my dog to be a Therapy Dog is really actually great therapy for me lol. And it's made me think about a different career path after my time in the military is done. No more wrenches. No more helicopters. I'm actually contemplating going into Social Work, for the military. Specifically the treatment of Soldiers suffering from PTSD, anxiety and depression. Yes, a Social Worker really is just there to listen and that's what I'd like to do..with the help of my dog. She'll put her head in their lap and help them to relax. It sure works for me :)
Well, for many it is late, but for me the night is still young. I cannot attempt to go to sleep for another hour. But I will be closing out this blog for tonight. Thank you for listening.
So tonights kind of a bad night for me. I'm back in that dark place, where guilt and anger eat at me. Yet, I know I had no control over what happened back in 2003, however I can't help but feel guilty. Why couldn't it have been me? Why'd it have to be him? Why'd it have to be the guy who never met his baby girl? Why not me? I still find myself asking that question even though the logical part of me is saying there was nothing I could do about it...there was no way I could have taken his place. Yet...it still eats at me you know?
Everyone copes in their own way and I'm finding that taking on the task of training my dog to be a Therapy Dog is really actually great therapy for me lol. And it's made me think about a different career path after my time in the military is done. No more wrenches. No more helicopters. I'm actually contemplating going into Social Work, for the military. Specifically the treatment of Soldiers suffering from PTSD, anxiety and depression. Yes, a Social Worker really is just there to listen and that's what I'd like to do..with the help of my dog. She'll put her head in their lap and help them to relax. It sure works for me :)
Well, for many it is late, but for me the night is still young. I cannot attempt to go to sleep for another hour. But I will be closing out this blog for tonight. Thank you for listening.
Thought I'd share this info
Need Immediate Help?
Veteran-to-Veteran Peer Counseling
1-877-VET2VET
Nat'l Veterans Foundation Help Line
1-888-777-4443 (M-F 9-9 Pacific)
Email help also available from NVF
Military OneSource - DOD contracted
1-800-342-9647 in USA (24/7)
1-800-3429-6477 outside of USA
Wounded Soldier and Family Hotline
1-800-984-8523
VA Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
NY/NJ Veterans VA Nurses Helpline
1-800-877-6976
Gulf Coast VA Med Center Hot Line
1-800-507-4571
Suicide Hotlines
1-888-649-1366
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
Suicide Help Online
http://www.hopeline.com
http://www.spanusa.org
Miles Foundation
Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault by Military Personnel 1-877-570-0688
Nat'l Coalition for Homeless Vets
1-800-VET-HELP
Veterans of the Vietnam War
1-800-843-8626
VA Office of the Inspector General
Report Suspected Wrongdoing in VA Programs and Operations Call the OIG Hotline – (800) 488-8244
Where To Turn for combat stress/reintegration issues
If you're a vet suffering with PTSD, please know that you are not alone. Please take your symptoms seriously.
From the U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command website:
Fellow Soldiers - Talk to your friends about what you are feeling. Oftentimes it's a reality check ... a first line of defense.
Chain of Command - Team leaders, squad leaders, platoon sergeants/leaders, first sergeants, company/battalion/brigade commanders, command sergeants major.
Unit Ministry Teams - They're especially good at counseling.
Family Life Chaplains - Many have a Master's Degree in Counseling and will try to save a marriage; some will also work individually with the members of a couple.
Military One Source (Formerly Army One Source) - Call 1-800-342-9647, or visit the Web site. They offer six free sessions and it's anonymous.
Primary Care Managers - Many family practice physicians, physician assistants and nurse practitioners are quite comfortable treating depression and sleep problems.
Community Mental Health Service - They usually have at least one psychiatrist and a variable number of psychologists and social workers on staff as well as behavioral health technicians.
TRICARE Counseling - Spouses can go for free. Service members can often share a family member's appointment for marriage counseling.
Veterans Administration - Or Veterans Centers.
Army Substance Abuse Program (formerly ADAPCP) - Especially helpful if the Soldier or family member has a problem with alcohol or drugs.
VA/DOD Joint Programs - Aimed at service members near retirement and currently operating at Forts Hood and Bliss.
Local Church Programs - Lutheran Social Services, Catholic Social Services, etc.
Army Community Services - Often coordinate/conduct stress management, anger management, parenting and other classes.
Online Community Bulletin Boards - A great resource to tap if you have questions; usually manned by veterans and military family members who've been through the same experiences.
The Internet - There is a truckload of solid information available on-line. Just do a search using the keyword PTSD.
Free Resources for OEF/OIF Veterans and Families
Deep Streams
Offers San Francisco Bay-area OEF/OIF veterans and their families a complimentary multi-disciplinary program that integrates psychological, meditative and expressive arts approaches to healing from war.
Give an Hour
Provides complimentary nationwide counseling services endorsed by but separate from the military establishment to troops, veterans, and military spouses, children, parents, siblings, and unmarried partners.
Helios Warriors
Offers complimentary alternative holistic health care services that address the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of Ashville, North Carolina, veterans and their families. They provide integrative health care that supports any other existing medical care being received.
The Merritt Center
Offers a complimentary four-weekend (Friday-Sunday) women's and men's retreat program for military trauma in the Star Valley woods near Payson, Arizona. Each weekend offers a different menu of items to aid in trauma release including walks in the woods, sweat lodge ceremony, therapeutic massage, release exercises of body and mind and much more.
ONE Freedom Inc.
Providing ground-breaking education and training models that are community-driven, transferable and sustainable. Complimentary reintegration resources for returning veterans. Located in Boulder, Colorado.
Return to Honor
Complimentary transition training workshops from Freedoms Foundation of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, aimed at helping returning veterans and their families return to peaceful life following service.
The Returning Veterans Project NW
Offers free and confidential counseling to Portland-area veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns. Phone (503) 402-1717 or email info@returningveterans.com for more information.
The Sanctuary
Offers 'Guardians of Our Way of Life' [soldiers, intelligence professionals, law enforcement officers, or first responders (Fire/EMS)] and their families complimentary access to a nationwide network of retreat centers.
Soldier's Heart
Veterans’ return and healing project addressing the emotional and spiritual needs of veterans, their families and communities. Soldier’s Heart promotes and guides community-based efforts to heal the effects of war based on strategies presented in “War and the Soul” by Dr. Edward Tick.
The Soldiers Project
Free, confidential psychological counseling for southern California OEF/OIF vets and their families. Visit their website, phone 818-761-7438 or email info@thesoldiersproject.org for more information.
Strategic Outreach to Families of All Reservists (SOFAR)
Complimentary psychotherapy and psycho-educational services for New England-area families of Reservists and National Guard members stationed in or returning from Afghanistan, Iraq and Kuwait.
Swords to Plowshares
Their San Francisco drop-in center provides mental health services, including counseling for drug and alcohol problems and post-traumatic stress disorders, case management and referrals. Outreach and prevention programs target veterans who suffer from unemployment, poverty, medical problems, substance abuse, and social isolation.
There & Back Again: Navigating Life After War
A nonprofit organization privately funded by concerned Americans whose contributions support the well-being and reintegration of OEF/OIF service-members in the Cambridge, Mass., area. Their free reintegration program includes modules on freeing the mind from unhealthy thoughts as well as conditioning the body through yoga sessions.
Valley Forge Return to Honor Workshops
Complimentary three-day intensive cognitive and experiential reintegration workshops, after theatre (after trauma) decompression training, and family integration programs for returning Afghanistan and Iraq veterans and their families. Located in Pennsylvania.
Veteran Love
Assisting wounded and disabled service men and women with their post-war transition, this nonprofit has established a monthly “emergency assistance” fund granting financial help to selected veterans or military family members. See their website for details. Their online chat board is a great resource.
American Love and Appreciation Fund
930 Washington Ave.
Miami Beach, FL 33139
Phone: 305-673-2856
Fax: 866-777-9431
Veterans Study Program
OEF/OIF veterans: access to a free reintegration counseling program and study fittingly called the Veterans Study Program at the James J. Peters Veterans Affairs Medical Center (VAMC) in the Bronx, New York.
General Mental Health
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
Find a mental health services provider in your area via their website or by phoning 1-800-950-6264.
National Institute of Mental Health
General PTSD information and links to booklets and databases to find help in your area.
National Mental Health Association
Offers support groups, rehabilitation, socialization, and housing services through 340 community organizations across the country. Visit their website or phone 1-800-969-6642 (1-800-969-NMHA) to find one near you.
Veteran-to-Veteran Peer Counseling
1-877-VET2VET
Nat'l Veterans Foundation Help Line
1-888-777-4443 (M-F 9-9 Pacific)
Email help also available from NVF
Military OneSource - DOD contracted
1-800-342-9647 in USA (24/7)
1-800-3429-6477 outside of USA
Wounded Soldier and Family Hotline
1-800-984-8523
VA Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
NY/NJ Veterans VA Nurses Helpline
1-800-877-6976
Gulf Coast VA Med Center Hot Line
1-800-507-4571
Suicide Hotlines
1-888-649-1366
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
Suicide Help Online
http://www.hopeline.com
http://www.spanusa.org
Miles Foundation
Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault by Military Personnel 1-877-570-0688
Nat'l Coalition for Homeless Vets
1-800-VET-HELP
Veterans of the Vietnam War
1-800-843-8626
VA Office of the Inspector General
Report Suspected Wrongdoing in VA Programs and Operations Call the OIG Hotline – (800) 488-8244
Where To Turn for combat stress/reintegration issues
If you're a vet suffering with PTSD, please know that you are not alone. Please take your symptoms seriously.
From the U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command website:
Fellow Soldiers - Talk to your friends about what you are feeling. Oftentimes it's a reality check ... a first line of defense.
Chain of Command - Team leaders, squad leaders, platoon sergeants/leaders, first sergeants, company/battalion/brigade commanders, command sergeants major.
Unit Ministry Teams - They're especially good at counseling.
Family Life Chaplains - Many have a Master's Degree in Counseling and will try to save a marriage; some will also work individually with the members of a couple.
Military One Source (Formerly Army One Source) - Call 1-800-342-9647, or visit the Web site. They offer six free sessions and it's anonymous.
Primary Care Managers - Many family practice physicians, physician assistants and nurse practitioners are quite comfortable treating depression and sleep problems.
Community Mental Health Service - They usually have at least one psychiatrist and a variable number of psychologists and social workers on staff as well as behavioral health technicians.
TRICARE Counseling - Spouses can go for free. Service members can often share a family member's appointment for marriage counseling.
Veterans Administration - Or Veterans Centers.
Army Substance Abuse Program (formerly ADAPCP) - Especially helpful if the Soldier or family member has a problem with alcohol or drugs.
VA/DOD Joint Programs - Aimed at service members near retirement and currently operating at Forts Hood and Bliss.
Local Church Programs - Lutheran Social Services, Catholic Social Services, etc.
Army Community Services - Often coordinate/conduct stress management, anger management, parenting and other classes.
Online Community Bulletin Boards - A great resource to tap if you have questions; usually manned by veterans and military family members who've been through the same experiences.
The Internet - There is a truckload of solid information available on-line. Just do a search using the keyword PTSD.
Free Resources for OEF/OIF Veterans and Families
Deep Streams
Offers San Francisco Bay-area OEF/OIF veterans and their families a complimentary multi-disciplinary program that integrates psychological, meditative and expressive arts approaches to healing from war.
Give an Hour
Provides complimentary nationwide counseling services endorsed by but separate from the military establishment to troops, veterans, and military spouses, children, parents, siblings, and unmarried partners.
Helios Warriors
Offers complimentary alternative holistic health care services that address the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of Ashville, North Carolina, veterans and their families. They provide integrative health care that supports any other existing medical care being received.
The Merritt Center
Offers a complimentary four-weekend (Friday-Sunday) women's and men's retreat program for military trauma in the Star Valley woods near Payson, Arizona. Each weekend offers a different menu of items to aid in trauma release including walks in the woods, sweat lodge ceremony, therapeutic massage, release exercises of body and mind and much more.
ONE Freedom Inc.
Providing ground-breaking education and training models that are community-driven, transferable and sustainable. Complimentary reintegration resources for returning veterans. Located in Boulder, Colorado.
Return to Honor
Complimentary transition training workshops from Freedoms Foundation of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, aimed at helping returning veterans and their families return to peaceful life following service.
The Returning Veterans Project NW
Offers free and confidential counseling to Portland-area veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns. Phone (503) 402-1717 or email info@returningveterans.com for more information.
The Sanctuary
Offers 'Guardians of Our Way of Life' [soldiers, intelligence professionals, law enforcement officers, or first responders (Fire/EMS)] and their families complimentary access to a nationwide network of retreat centers.
Soldier's Heart
Veterans’ return and healing project addressing the emotional and spiritual needs of veterans, their families and communities. Soldier’s Heart promotes and guides community-based efforts to heal the effects of war based on strategies presented in “War and the Soul” by Dr. Edward Tick.
The Soldiers Project
Free, confidential psychological counseling for southern California OEF/OIF vets and their families. Visit their website, phone 818-761-7438 or email info@thesoldiersproject.org for more information.
Strategic Outreach to Families of All Reservists (SOFAR)
Complimentary psychotherapy and psycho-educational services for New England-area families of Reservists and National Guard members stationed in or returning from Afghanistan, Iraq and Kuwait.
Swords to Plowshares
Their San Francisco drop-in center provides mental health services, including counseling for drug and alcohol problems and post-traumatic stress disorders, case management and referrals. Outreach and prevention programs target veterans who suffer from unemployment, poverty, medical problems, substance abuse, and social isolation.
There & Back Again: Navigating Life After War
A nonprofit organization privately funded by concerned Americans whose contributions support the well-being and reintegration of OEF/OIF service-members in the Cambridge, Mass., area. Their free reintegration program includes modules on freeing the mind from unhealthy thoughts as well as conditioning the body through yoga sessions.
Valley Forge Return to Honor Workshops
Complimentary three-day intensive cognitive and experiential reintegration workshops, after theatre (after trauma) decompression training, and family integration programs for returning Afghanistan and Iraq veterans and their families. Located in Pennsylvania.
Veteran Love
Assisting wounded and disabled service men and women with their post-war transition, this nonprofit has established a monthly “emergency assistance” fund granting financial help to selected veterans or military family members. See their website for details. Their online chat board is a great resource.
American Love and Appreciation Fund
930 Washington Ave.
Miami Beach, FL 33139
Phone: 305-673-2856
Fax: 866-777-9431
Veterans Study Program
OEF/OIF veterans: access to a free reintegration counseling program and study fittingly called the Veterans Study Program at the James J. Peters Veterans Affairs Medical Center (VAMC) in the Bronx, New York.
General Mental Health
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
Find a mental health services provider in your area via their website or by phoning 1-800-950-6264.
National Institute of Mental Health
General PTSD information and links to booklets and databases to find help in your area.
National Mental Health Association
Offers support groups, rehabilitation, socialization, and housing services through 340 community organizations across the country. Visit their website or phone 1-800-969-6642 (1-800-969-NMHA) to find one near you.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What do you do when you feel useless?
What do you do when your taken out of your element and placed in a position where you have no position? What do you do to cope with the drastic change? How do you deal with the change in mission? Who do you report to when something doesn't seem right?
These are questions I often ask myself. I've found something to do....I'm working with my dog every day, getting her trained to be a Therapy Dog. That's a challenge but well worth it in the end.
I cope with the change by finding something to do (i.e. training my dog) and keeping this blog. I know no other way to cope than to keep myself occupied with something constructive.
Now the real question is who do I turn to when I feel like somethings not right? Seems as though it would be pointless to turn to my chain of command if ALL the WTU's in the Army seem to have the same issues. So, really, who do we turn to? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. But one thing I know for certain, these blogs will definitely be very useful when the time comes.
I am disappointed in how things are being operated but is it really my place to tell my leadership that? I'd have to say yes. Will it change anything? Highly doubtful, not at this level if its an Army wide problem. So, I'm seeking out some people of "interest" for when the time does come, I will provide this blog...and I suggest others do the same...when they feel the time is right.
Yes, we're protected under the "Whistle blowers" act however, we all know how the Army treats us even if we're "protected". So, the timing has to be right. Otherwise, it'll turn around and bite us in the a$$es when we're trying to ensure we're just taken care of. Which is rather unfortunate to be quite honest.
All I want to do is make my transition, in the smoothest way possible and as soon as possible. The last thing I need is to be held back for some hearing against III Corps or the Army.....or is it? You know, I'm not real sure. Should I become a vocal advocate for these Soldiers? Perhaps I should, but I think I will just keep this lovely blog here and encourage my battle buddies to do the same. When that DD214 is in my hand, I will become a very vocal advocate for those still stuck in the WTU. I think it wise to go that route. So I tap my foot due to the lack of patience while I wait for them to complete the MEB and hand me my walking papers. I except a few individuals to be joining me on this mission....when their ready.
These are questions I often ask myself. I've found something to do....I'm working with my dog every day, getting her trained to be a Therapy Dog. That's a challenge but well worth it in the end.
I cope with the change by finding something to do (i.e. training my dog) and keeping this blog. I know no other way to cope than to keep myself occupied with something constructive.
Now the real question is who do I turn to when I feel like somethings not right? Seems as though it would be pointless to turn to my chain of command if ALL the WTU's in the Army seem to have the same issues. So, really, who do we turn to? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. But one thing I know for certain, these blogs will definitely be very useful when the time comes.
I am disappointed in how things are being operated but is it really my place to tell my leadership that? I'd have to say yes. Will it change anything? Highly doubtful, not at this level if its an Army wide problem. So, I'm seeking out some people of "interest" for when the time does come, I will provide this blog...and I suggest others do the same...when they feel the time is right.
Yes, we're protected under the "Whistle blowers" act however, we all know how the Army treats us even if we're "protected". So, the timing has to be right. Otherwise, it'll turn around and bite us in the a$$es when we're trying to ensure we're just taken care of. Which is rather unfortunate to be quite honest.
All I want to do is make my transition, in the smoothest way possible and as soon as possible. The last thing I need is to be held back for some hearing against III Corps or the Army.....or is it? You know, I'm not real sure. Should I become a vocal advocate for these Soldiers? Perhaps I should, but I think I will just keep this lovely blog here and encourage my battle buddies to do the same. When that DD214 is in my hand, I will become a very vocal advocate for those still stuck in the WTU. I think it wise to go that route. So I tap my foot due to the lack of patience while I wait for them to complete the MEB and hand me my walking papers. I except a few individuals to be joining me on this mission....when their ready.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
July 4th...what it means
Today's Independence Day. Lots of lives were lost to make this day possible. And more will continue to pay the ultimate sacrifice so that you can continue to celebrate the freedoms you hold so dear to your heart, yet take for granted most days.
While you sit watching the fireworks with your friends and/or family. Those of us who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sit in our homes or barracks rooms trying our best not to fall apart. The sounds of those fireworks send our hearts into panic mode. We're uneasy. We're jumpy. We jump with every pop of the fireworks.
I sit here in my home playing music loud enough to almost drown out the sound. Yet I still hear it..and its got my skin crawling. I've taken my meds a little early tonight so that my anxiety would go down a little and perhaps I'll actually be able to sleep through this night.
Not only do we struggle with the anxiety and jumpiness that these fireworks cause, we also struggle with flashbacks. Every loud bang and crackle puts us back in the hell hole that made us the way we are today. About the only way to cope is to try to breath through it. Drown it out with music. Focus on something else. Conduct Biofeedback. Do some Alphastim. But it still lingers.
While your in the comfort of your homes, there are so many Soldiers sleeping in tents in Afghanistan right now not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Freshly deployed to a combat zone they are not familiar with. The unit served 2 tours in Iraq. Most of the personnel there are embarking on their very first deployment. Afghanistan is NOTHING like Iraq and I'm afraid they weren't really hearing that when Afghanistan veterans tried to tell them. I sit here in fear for my battle buddies lives every day. I wish I was there....simply because I took what my friend said about Afghanistan to heart and at least I would be able to contribute to their safety. Yet, I know that I cannot. Another deployment for me would most likely result in me not returning home alive. Is that a dismal thought? Perhaps it is but it's the truth. I do not believe my heart and mind would be able to cope with another deployment like OIF 1. I served in the initial wave and I know that that deployment was by far the worst of all rotations. And their in a place similar to how things were in OIF 1. I pray for their safety, especially on this day. A day when we remember those who paid that ultimate price for us. We cannot forget them. They will forever cling to our hearts and minds.
An average American, without military experience or affiliation really does not grasp the loss we as Soldiers have endured. The lives lost right before our eyes. And that is why today is so sacred. We memorialize our fallen comrades on days like this. There's no walking away when the fireworks are done and forgetting what the meaning of this day is once we lay our head on our pillow. Not with the wounded warrior. It lives with us every day. It haunts us. It rages war on our psyche. We try to cope, we learn techniques that are available, that may help us through the pain. But then you find yourself alone in your home hearing these fireworks pop off and your all alone again. Where do you turn? How do you cope? What if the tools given to you to help you deal don't work? Then what? I'm not real sure right now. Just trying my best. That's all anyone can ask right?
Happy Independence Day to all. I ask no one to stop celebrating their 4th of July. I just ask, within my own 4 walls---really simply pleading with myself---that these noises will stop. I will not take away from anyone's celebration. I just wish I could find a means to block it out.
That is all.
While you sit watching the fireworks with your friends and/or family. Those of us who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sit in our homes or barracks rooms trying our best not to fall apart. The sounds of those fireworks send our hearts into panic mode. We're uneasy. We're jumpy. We jump with every pop of the fireworks.
I sit here in my home playing music loud enough to almost drown out the sound. Yet I still hear it..and its got my skin crawling. I've taken my meds a little early tonight so that my anxiety would go down a little and perhaps I'll actually be able to sleep through this night.
Not only do we struggle with the anxiety and jumpiness that these fireworks cause, we also struggle with flashbacks. Every loud bang and crackle puts us back in the hell hole that made us the way we are today. About the only way to cope is to try to breath through it. Drown it out with music. Focus on something else. Conduct Biofeedback. Do some Alphastim. But it still lingers.
While your in the comfort of your homes, there are so many Soldiers sleeping in tents in Afghanistan right now not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Freshly deployed to a combat zone they are not familiar with. The unit served 2 tours in Iraq. Most of the personnel there are embarking on their very first deployment. Afghanistan is NOTHING like Iraq and I'm afraid they weren't really hearing that when Afghanistan veterans tried to tell them. I sit here in fear for my battle buddies lives every day. I wish I was there....simply because I took what my friend said about Afghanistan to heart and at least I would be able to contribute to their safety. Yet, I know that I cannot. Another deployment for me would most likely result in me not returning home alive. Is that a dismal thought? Perhaps it is but it's the truth. I do not believe my heart and mind would be able to cope with another deployment like OIF 1. I served in the initial wave and I know that that deployment was by far the worst of all rotations. And their in a place similar to how things were in OIF 1. I pray for their safety, especially on this day. A day when we remember those who paid that ultimate price for us. We cannot forget them. They will forever cling to our hearts and minds.
An average American, without military experience or affiliation really does not grasp the loss we as Soldiers have endured. The lives lost right before our eyes. And that is why today is so sacred. We memorialize our fallen comrades on days like this. There's no walking away when the fireworks are done and forgetting what the meaning of this day is once we lay our head on our pillow. Not with the wounded warrior. It lives with us every day. It haunts us. It rages war on our psyche. We try to cope, we learn techniques that are available, that may help us through the pain. But then you find yourself alone in your home hearing these fireworks pop off and your all alone again. Where do you turn? How do you cope? What if the tools given to you to help you deal don't work? Then what? I'm not real sure right now. Just trying my best. That's all anyone can ask right?
Happy Independence Day to all. I ask no one to stop celebrating their 4th of July. I just ask, within my own 4 walls---really simply pleading with myself---that these noises will stop. I will not take away from anyone's celebration. I just wish I could find a means to block it out.
That is all.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Crash....
So I've struggled with insomnia since October. Most nights I'd wake up in a cold sweat at 2am and wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. Thought I was getting menopause lol. But I tried to do some sleep hygiene training as my doc suggested. I take my meds at 11pm and by midnight I am done....barely remember the walk to the bedroom. This usually results in me not hearing the phone ring or being disturbed by anything. Nope, once I hit that point, there's nothing that will wake me. And I usually get about 6 hours of sleep. Which is pretty damn good compared to the 2 I was getting most nights.
Downside to this, and one of the main reasons why I don't like being on medications.....I missed a phone call that very well could have been someone in dire need of my help. Most often than not, a phone call at 1am is not a good phone call. And I missed it. As an NCO who devoted her life to taking care of her Soldiers and always being there for her troops, medications hinder my ability to continue with that one thing I love being able to do. And here I sit at 6am wondering if that Soldier is ok because I wasn't there to answer the call.
This is why Soldiers must not rely on their medications. Use them as a training aid as you work on healing. But, do your best to ensure that you can and will be able to separate yourself from those medications. You do not want to rely on them or become dependent on them. Always know that no matter the medication or its purpose, dependency is likely and you have to be ready for the day when you have to let them go. However, do not stop using them without the doc's approval. I found that out, Doc yelled at me because I was trying to not use my sleep meds--because I was missing shit--she warned me not to stop taking them. Eventually I would be able to ween myself away from them but for now, until my sleep issues are at a more controllable level, I need to stick to the regimen.
I've suffered from migraines for the last 12 years. The docs gave me medications such as midrin and darvocet. All of which made me useless when it came to doing my job. I stopped going to the doc because they couldnt find the problem and I could NOT live with myself if I wasn't able to work. So I just started taking over the counter meds, excedrin and stuff. At least then I could still turn wrenches you know? But now, with these sleep meds, their doing exactly what I don't want. I don't want to NOT be there for my fellow Soldiers.....and its depressing because when they reach out to me and i'm not there....where will they turn? I worry that I was that one phone call they tried before something bad happened and I wasn't there to talk them down or whatnot. Soldiers call me all the time just to vent, to "break contact", and to reach out to someone who understands. And when I'm not there, and I see that I have a missed call in the morning because of these stupid meds, I feel like I have failed these Soldiers. Yes, I know, I'm no ones leader but I am their friends. And this friend has failed them because of these stupid sleep meds.
OOOOH and on a side note: Do not EVER share your meds with anyone. And, if you live in a place where your meds can be accessed by others, make them inaccessible. Lock them up in a drawer...secure them. I am fortunate I live alone, so my stockpile of medications is in my bathroom. However, for those who are not as fortunate, lock your meds up so those who "want" them can't get them and those who want to get you into trouble because their in trouble....can't get them either. Something to think about. Always watch your back, because no matter what we as GOOD Soldiers know, not all Soldiers follow the same values. You can only trust certain people and you must remain watchful over others. Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to remain watchful over our buddies as well---because sometimes they too fall into that trap :(
Downside to this, and one of the main reasons why I don't like being on medications.....I missed a phone call that very well could have been someone in dire need of my help. Most often than not, a phone call at 1am is not a good phone call. And I missed it. As an NCO who devoted her life to taking care of her Soldiers and always being there for her troops, medications hinder my ability to continue with that one thing I love being able to do. And here I sit at 6am wondering if that Soldier is ok because I wasn't there to answer the call.
This is why Soldiers must not rely on their medications. Use them as a training aid as you work on healing. But, do your best to ensure that you can and will be able to separate yourself from those medications. You do not want to rely on them or become dependent on them. Always know that no matter the medication or its purpose, dependency is likely and you have to be ready for the day when you have to let them go. However, do not stop using them without the doc's approval. I found that out, Doc yelled at me because I was trying to not use my sleep meds--because I was missing shit--she warned me not to stop taking them. Eventually I would be able to ween myself away from them but for now, until my sleep issues are at a more controllable level, I need to stick to the regimen.
I've suffered from migraines for the last 12 years. The docs gave me medications such as midrin and darvocet. All of which made me useless when it came to doing my job. I stopped going to the doc because they couldnt find the problem and I could NOT live with myself if I wasn't able to work. So I just started taking over the counter meds, excedrin and stuff. At least then I could still turn wrenches you know? But now, with these sleep meds, their doing exactly what I don't want. I don't want to NOT be there for my fellow Soldiers.....and its depressing because when they reach out to me and i'm not there....where will they turn? I worry that I was that one phone call they tried before something bad happened and I wasn't there to talk them down or whatnot. Soldiers call me all the time just to vent, to "break contact", and to reach out to someone who understands. And when I'm not there, and I see that I have a missed call in the morning because of these stupid meds, I feel like I have failed these Soldiers. Yes, I know, I'm no ones leader but I am their friends. And this friend has failed them because of these stupid sleep meds.
OOOOH and on a side note: Do not EVER share your meds with anyone. And, if you live in a place where your meds can be accessed by others, make them inaccessible. Lock them up in a drawer...secure them. I am fortunate I live alone, so my stockpile of medications is in my bathroom. However, for those who are not as fortunate, lock your meds up so those who "want" them can't get them and those who want to get you into trouble because their in trouble....can't get them either. Something to think about. Always watch your back, because no matter what we as GOOD Soldiers know, not all Soldiers follow the same values. You can only trust certain people and you must remain watchful over others. Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to remain watchful over our buddies as well---because sometimes they too fall into that trap :(
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Friends for life....
There is a unique bond Soldiers build amongst one another. Some don't get along well with others, but once you find that friend you can rely on, you can talk to, your always going to hang onto that. And when you see your friend falling, you'ld sacrifice yourself to catch them. Even if it means sacrificing the friendship.
It takes true heart to give everything of yourself to your friends. We may not be in combat but we are still combating that which rages war in our minds. And when we see our friends taking a hit, we'll jump on that grenade to protect them. That's what we do. It's not just a Soldier thing. But it's that eternal bond we as friends carry.
I pray for the friend whose suffering all alone right now. I was unable to visit due to my Soldiers departing for Afghanistan, I tried to make it but visiting hours were over. I feel terrible, I want to be there for that person and I pray that they are getting good treatment. The treatment they have been begging for and yet haven't received.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope to visit with you tomorrow. Keep your head up and remember you have friends who love and cherish you and would step on that landmine and take your place if it meant protecting you from the demons that haunt you.
Much love Powerade, Old Sarge is pulling for you!
It takes true heart to give everything of yourself to your friends. We may not be in combat but we are still combating that which rages war in our minds. And when we see our friends taking a hit, we'll jump on that grenade to protect them. That's what we do. It's not just a Soldier thing. But it's that eternal bond we as friends carry.
I pray for the friend whose suffering all alone right now. I was unable to visit due to my Soldiers departing for Afghanistan, I tried to make it but visiting hours were over. I feel terrible, I want to be there for that person and I pray that they are getting good treatment. The treatment they have been begging for and yet haven't received.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope to visit with you tomorrow. Keep your head up and remember you have friends who love and cherish you and would step on that landmine and take your place if it meant protecting you from the demons that haunt you.
Much love Powerade, Old Sarge is pulling for you!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Nerve damage
So today I determined I have nerve damage in my right arm. I was sitting in the waiting area just waiting for my appointment and my arm went numb. Wasn't doing anything special, been nursing it all day cuz I must have done something yesterday (probably cuz my dumbass decided to mow the lawn). And so, I'll be sure to let the doc know about that one. I hate it when I am able to see this shit and yet they still haven't figured out what the hell's wrong? WTF?
So, today I did some research on how to go about getting my dog certified as a therapy dog. I was given a very good idea, getting certified as a trainer myself and using my dogs to help others going through what I'm going through....by taking them to the R&R Center for my counselor to use with some of their other patients. So, I'm doing alot of digging into this. This just might be exactly what I need......I love animals and I love helping others, put that together and it just might make my life far easier to cope with. We shall see, I'll definitely keep everyone posted as I am sure alot of you are interested in these awesome dogs. As of right now, it's difficult to get a therapy dog funded by VA strictly for PTSD however, their working on it. There's a few pilot programs that are being put in place, and that's what I'm looking into. I intend to take part and I know Kelsy and Mahalo would love to share their time with other veterans in need.
Thanks for stopping by, todays blogs cut short due to lack of sleep lol. GN All.
So, today I did some research on how to go about getting my dog certified as a therapy dog. I was given a very good idea, getting certified as a trainer myself and using my dogs to help others going through what I'm going through....by taking them to the R&R Center for my counselor to use with some of their other patients. So, I'm doing alot of digging into this. This just might be exactly what I need......I love animals and I love helping others, put that together and it just might make my life far easier to cope with. We shall see, I'll definitely keep everyone posted as I am sure alot of you are interested in these awesome dogs. As of right now, it's difficult to get a therapy dog funded by VA strictly for PTSD however, their working on it. There's a few pilot programs that are being put in place, and that's what I'm looking into. I intend to take part and I know Kelsy and Mahalo would love to share their time with other veterans in need.
Thanks for stopping by, todays blogs cut short due to lack of sleep lol. GN All.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
MEB....
Got to meet with my Pueblo today. He gave me the skinny on what kind of retirement I'm looking at. Definitely will be retired, its just a matter of what percentage. Will most likely go on the TDRL (Temporary Disabled Retirement List) for up to 5 years given my condition. He said at minimum I'll get 50% comp, tax free. Given all my issues, it'll most likely be much higher but we'll see how it goes. Looking like a bit of a long haul from here on out. At minimum, 5 months, quite possibly 14-18 months. Either way, I'm headed in the right direction, thats what matters.
So, my day started out pretty early, at around 6:30 Mahalo started barking. She doesn't bark inside the house, its always Kelsy. But this time it was her. So that had my heart racing, cuz that meant something was up. So I open the door and here are two beautiful Siberian Huskies standing at my door. They wanted in so bad. I took them around to the back yard and then started making calls. We put up signs in the neighborhood and I kept watch for someone who may be in search of them (you know, that slow moving car with the head turning left and right like their watching a tennis match lol). Sure enough, I see the woman. It's the mother of the owners. She cracks up at the signs and wonders why on earth someone would but up so early and already putting up signs lol. The two dogs were awesome and started my day off great. Then I took at a look at the time and I was hauling ass.....I was about to miss my MEB appt with the Pueblo...bad juju. But I made it in time so no worries there.
After I got done for the day I came home and my OCD switch was flipped instantly. Just couldn't stand looking at my grass anymore. So I mowed the lawn. While mowing the lawn, two of the 4 dead tree stumps alongside my house decided they wanted to be uprooted today. I pushed on one and it moved like it wasn't even rooted to the ground. So I rip that one out of the ground with ease, and same with the second one. I'm thinking I can finally pull all these things up....I get to the third and I'm certain my neighbor laughed hard when my body was prepared for it to come right up and the tree stump wasn't lol. I about fell on my ass lol.
I got my OCD out of my system and now I'm about to call it an early night since I have height and weight in the morning at 0630. Good thing I get off after my appt at 2. Got too many appt's to meet their "requirements" tomorrow so I'm adjusting my schedule to ensure their "requirements" are met. But I refuse to break the profile. They'll get over it.
Goodnight, thanks for stopping by.
So, my day started out pretty early, at around 6:30 Mahalo started barking. She doesn't bark inside the house, its always Kelsy. But this time it was her. So that had my heart racing, cuz that meant something was up. So I open the door and here are two beautiful Siberian Huskies standing at my door. They wanted in so bad. I took them around to the back yard and then started making calls. We put up signs in the neighborhood and I kept watch for someone who may be in search of them (you know, that slow moving car with the head turning left and right like their watching a tennis match lol). Sure enough, I see the woman. It's the mother of the owners. She cracks up at the signs and wonders why on earth someone would but up so early and already putting up signs lol. The two dogs were awesome and started my day off great. Then I took at a look at the time and I was hauling ass.....I was about to miss my MEB appt with the Pueblo...bad juju. But I made it in time so no worries there.
After I got done for the day I came home and my OCD switch was flipped instantly. Just couldn't stand looking at my grass anymore. So I mowed the lawn. While mowing the lawn, two of the 4 dead tree stumps alongside my house decided they wanted to be uprooted today. I pushed on one and it moved like it wasn't even rooted to the ground. So I rip that one out of the ground with ease, and same with the second one. I'm thinking I can finally pull all these things up....I get to the third and I'm certain my neighbor laughed hard when my body was prepared for it to come right up and the tree stump wasn't lol. I about fell on my ass lol.
I got my OCD out of my system and now I'm about to call it an early night since I have height and weight in the morning at 0630. Good thing I get off after my appt at 2. Got too many appt's to meet their "requirements" tomorrow so I'm adjusting my schedule to ensure their "requirements" are met. But I refuse to break the profile. They'll get over it.
Goodnight, thanks for stopping by.
hmmm...
“WTU is designed to ensure that healing is the first priority for injured Soldiers and was stood up to provide high quality living conditions, prevent unnecessary procedural delays, and to facilitate the Soldier’s physical, mental and spiritual healing process.”
Alright, so, that’s the purpose right? Then answer me this one very simple question: Why, are the wounded warriors taking out the trash of that of the cadre and other personnel within the unit? Keywords being: WOUNDED WARRIORS.
Granted, taskings come out, things have to be done, however, if there’s a young man walking with the assistance of a cane, why is he doing this type of detail? And rather, why are you going to put a SSG in charge of the detail knowing that that SSG has multiple issues, one being not really up to taking charge of troops given her current condition?
I’m a lil peeved at what occurred today. I would much rather see perhaps Soldiers who are on extra duty doing these tasks or perhaps the personnel assigned as cadre? That very well might be a good idea. Yes, you’re a platoon sergeant, and your in charge of troops. But your troops have special needs, we’re not just regular soldiers in a regular unit. This is a medical hold unit, these Soldiers are going through a lot of crap and tossing them on a detail to pick weeds or clean someones office? Come on. Why am I going to clean the offices of people I do not work for, nor work with? My Soldiers within my section, don’t walk over to clean another shops place. Our orderly room personnel, clean their own area. We clean our own area. Why are we dumping the trash and cleaning up the 1SG’s sunflower seeds laying on the floor under her desk? I mean really?
And here I sit, its midnight, my meds are kicking in and I’m still fuming from this stupidity. But hey, it’s the Army right? I should know to expect stupidity. But if your going to put me in charge, I’ll do the shit myself before I’ll have a guy on a cane do all the work.
On a happier note, I got to spend a few hours with some of my former Soldiers. My buddy put together a BBQ for them, since their leaving real soon for Afghanistan. So, I took my dog Kelsy with me and we all had a good time. It was nice to see their faces again. And catch up on things. I worry about them going over to Afghanistan, but I think they’ll be in really good hands…I pray that I am correct.
Thursday they begin their preparations for departure. I’ll be there to see them all off. I’ll sure miss these guys and I feel so bad that I’m not going. But I know this was something I really needed to do in order to get myself to a point where I can live with all that is bottled up inside me. If I didn’t, as some of my friends have realized in the past, it tends to come screaming out at the first person who pushes the wrong button. A fellow SGT got a taste of it one day in Iraq in 2005. We began to argue about something, don’t recall what the argument was about but eventually, in front of god and everyone, I got in his face and was just barking away at him goin off the handle. That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. We still talk about that sometimes, my buddy and I. We saw eye to eye by the end of the “conversation” but boy did it get heated for a minute there. And all our Soldiers witnessed this. Which I knew was inappropriate but it was like a blackout moment…..thankfully I’m not naturally a violent person. I am not one for confrontation. I usually get so angry I have to go be by myself for a while just so I can calm down. All of this because I love my job and I hate to see Soldiers getting treated wrong, or leaders coming up with some of the dumbest shit. Such as, pressure washing the desert? Really? I mean come on. I understand keeping the hangar clean but why are we pressure washing NOTHING? That was something I never did understand. Except pressure washing the bunkers on the flightline, which was a must because damn those crewchiefs, that was their urinal lol. So, yeah, those needed pressure washing cuz that stunk to high heaven. Thanks guys lol
Alright, off to bed, I wonder if I’ll remember writing this blog when I get up in the morning? LMAO
Alright, so, that’s the purpose right? Then answer me this one very simple question: Why, are the wounded warriors taking out the trash of that of the cadre and other personnel within the unit? Keywords being: WOUNDED WARRIORS.
Granted, taskings come out, things have to be done, however, if there’s a young man walking with the assistance of a cane, why is he doing this type of detail? And rather, why are you going to put a SSG in charge of the detail knowing that that SSG has multiple issues, one being not really up to taking charge of troops given her current condition?
I’m a lil peeved at what occurred today. I would much rather see perhaps Soldiers who are on extra duty doing these tasks or perhaps the personnel assigned as cadre? That very well might be a good idea. Yes, you’re a platoon sergeant, and your in charge of troops. But your troops have special needs, we’re not just regular soldiers in a regular unit. This is a medical hold unit, these Soldiers are going through a lot of crap and tossing them on a detail to pick weeds or clean someones office? Come on. Why am I going to clean the offices of people I do not work for, nor work with? My Soldiers within my section, don’t walk over to clean another shops place. Our orderly room personnel, clean their own area. We clean our own area. Why are we dumping the trash and cleaning up the 1SG’s sunflower seeds laying on the floor under her desk? I mean really?
And here I sit, its midnight, my meds are kicking in and I’m still fuming from this stupidity. But hey, it’s the Army right? I should know to expect stupidity. But if your going to put me in charge, I’ll do the shit myself before I’ll have a guy on a cane do all the work.
On a happier note, I got to spend a few hours with some of my former Soldiers. My buddy put together a BBQ for them, since their leaving real soon for Afghanistan. So, I took my dog Kelsy with me and we all had a good time. It was nice to see their faces again. And catch up on things. I worry about them going over to Afghanistan, but I think they’ll be in really good hands…I pray that I am correct.
Thursday they begin their preparations for departure. I’ll be there to see them all off. I’ll sure miss these guys and I feel so bad that I’m not going. But I know this was something I really needed to do in order to get myself to a point where I can live with all that is bottled up inside me. If I didn’t, as some of my friends have realized in the past, it tends to come screaming out at the first person who pushes the wrong button. A fellow SGT got a taste of it one day in Iraq in 2005. We began to argue about something, don’t recall what the argument was about but eventually, in front of god and everyone, I got in his face and was just barking away at him goin off the handle. That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. We still talk about that sometimes, my buddy and I. We saw eye to eye by the end of the “conversation” but boy did it get heated for a minute there. And all our Soldiers witnessed this. Which I knew was inappropriate but it was like a blackout moment…..thankfully I’m not naturally a violent person. I am not one for confrontation. I usually get so angry I have to go be by myself for a while just so I can calm down. All of this because I love my job and I hate to see Soldiers getting treated wrong, or leaders coming up with some of the dumbest shit. Such as, pressure washing the desert? Really? I mean come on. I understand keeping the hangar clean but why are we pressure washing NOTHING? That was something I never did understand. Except pressure washing the bunkers on the flightline, which was a must because damn those crewchiefs, that was their urinal lol. So, yeah, those needed pressure washing cuz that stunk to high heaven. Thanks guys lol
Alright, off to bed, I wonder if I’ll remember writing this blog when I get up in the morning? LMAO
Monday, June 21, 2010
Last night.....
You know, I don't even remember my post last night. The medications post? I don't even remember posting it. Wow! I hate my meds, because it's like I'm drunk and anything I do during that time, not going to remember it later. I really hate that feeling. Actually thought someone hacked my account for a second. My memory sucks and these meds add to it. Blah! WTF over.
Anyways, its monday and I definetely feel like a garfield today. Not really wanting to go in but I know I have to. Now its just getting my ass in gear and getting ready. So, I'll be seeing you....
Anyways, its monday and I definetely feel like a garfield today. Not really wanting to go in but I know I have to. Now its just getting my ass in gear and getting ready. So, I'll be seeing you....
Medication to sleep
I often wonder if medication is the answer. Then I realized while I was home on leave in Michigan.....yeah it is. Critical! I ran out of my meds (refilled one, forgot to refill the rest) about a week into the visit. I was up before my mom (which never happens lol) and off and running to the animal shelter.
After coming back here and waiting for them to get refills put in quickly, I think I slept 4 hours in a weeks time. Now that I'm all refilled and back on the routine of these meds, I sit here waiting for my eyes to go crosseyed so that when I do lay in bed, i'm toast. I don't like how this makes me feel but I have to deal with it and remember that eventually I will be able to get past the insomnia part....its just a slow going process.
Just about to call it a night, since the meds are starting to kick in. I only pray these nightmares don't haunt me tonight. Cuz if they do, I'm going to have one hell of a day.
I think I'm going to ask to go to Thomas Moore clinic for this heart problem, not sure what they will do for me. I have flutters of the heart, like palpatations, at random times. I need them to put a monitor for at least a week. Then perhaps they'll see it when it comes. It sucks, feels like if my heart beat any faster, it explode of out my chest. Then I get those chest pains, making it hard to take deep breathes and here I am trying to do my relaxation exercise that requires me taking deep breathes. If this doesn't settle down, I may end up in the ER. I hate when this stuff pops up, have dealt with it on long knows how many occassions. And yet, of course when I go to the doc about it, it wont do it then. EKG won't see it if i'm at normal rythm. they need to put me on a monitor so they can see it when i lay down or when the chest pains hit. Wonder if the case manager can put in a request to the doc for that...I think I'll talk to him about it tomorrow.
After coming back here and waiting for them to get refills put in quickly, I think I slept 4 hours in a weeks time. Now that I'm all refilled and back on the routine of these meds, I sit here waiting for my eyes to go crosseyed so that when I do lay in bed, i'm toast. I don't like how this makes me feel but I have to deal with it and remember that eventually I will be able to get past the insomnia part....its just a slow going process.
Just about to call it a night, since the meds are starting to kick in. I only pray these nightmares don't haunt me tonight. Cuz if they do, I'm going to have one hell of a day.
I think I'm going to ask to go to Thomas Moore clinic for this heart problem, not sure what they will do for me. I have flutters of the heart, like palpatations, at random times. I need them to put a monitor for at least a week. Then perhaps they'll see it when it comes. It sucks, feels like if my heart beat any faster, it explode of out my chest. Then I get those chest pains, making it hard to take deep breathes and here I am trying to do my relaxation exercise that requires me taking deep breathes. If this doesn't settle down, I may end up in the ER. I hate when this stuff pops up, have dealt with it on long knows how many occassions. And yet, of course when I go to the doc about it, it wont do it then. EKG won't see it if i'm at normal rythm. they need to put me on a monitor so they can see it when i lay down or when the chest pains hit. Wonder if the case manager can put in a request to the doc for that...I think I'll talk to him about it tomorrow.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
WTU...
When I first sought treatment, I was very apprehensive. Given the stigma that has been with the whole mental health business, I was weary of what would happen to me. I would not reveal alot of my issues for fear that it would jeopardize any chance of me being able to return to the fight. At the time I told myself I could, when in all actuality there was no going back. Eventually, with the help of my counselor, I was able to start advocating for myself, being honest with not only myself but everyone around me who "had a need to know." My med provider didn't feel I qualified for reset, my counselor did. My med provider didn't think I'd get accepted, yet I did. My med provider also didn't believe I needed to be in WTU, but eventually I admitted it to myself and therefore voiced it to the doc. I kept my chain of command informed, and told the commander he needed to locate a qualified replacement to take my place. We had one, but our sister battalion snatched him up. Unfortunately for the unit, it didn't stop my assignment to WTU. I got my orders the 7th of May and reported the 10th....I reported 7 days early. Because on the 11th, I flew to Michigan to be with my father. With his cancer coming back and his repeated cases of pneumonia, I felt if I didn't go then, I may not have gotten the chance to see him before the time came. Something told me that no matter what, I needed to ensure I was there and quickly. So, I reported to WTU after clearing all morning. Brigade told me they would honor my leave form from my unit, but battalion said they wouldn't. I spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for them to consider the situation and decide if they would honor it or not. All the while fearing that I would not be permitted to go. Thankfully, by 1800, I was approved and released from the company. So, even though I've been in WTU for over a month, I really haven't been here but 20 days and thats counting weekends. And my appointment list is so ridiculously long that 90% if the time I'm not even at the unit. So I don't even see the majority of the stuff these Soldiers are going through there. I've witnessed only two incidents where I didn't agree with what was going on.....pretty much because it was the only two days I was there for more than just a formation. These next couple of days however, I will get a chance to really see what goes on during the day at the unit. Lets see if it pisses me off even more.
But aside from that, I look forward to this week because it's one week closer to knowing whats going on with my health. I hope that the MEB will get back to me on the blood tests so perhaps they can tell me what I'm dealing with. This pain is ridiculous and yet they can't see anything in an MRI or XRAY? Sure wish there was some way they could see whats causing this pain in my right arm. Because there are days where I can't even use it and it pisses me off because they still haven't given me an answer....cuz they "don't know". Stop focusing on the shoulder and look at the bigger picture, the pains not just in the shoulder, as I've said over and over...its in the whole arm all the way down to the tips of my fingers. Yet they still focus on the damn shoulder. Getting a little tired of it because I just want the pain to go away in some way, shape or form. I'm a mechanic....turning wrenches is what I do....if I can't use my hands to do so, I'm useless. In my eyes, that makes me useless not being able to use my hands. So someone please tell me why it takes them so long to see the problem? Has anyone figured this out? Cuz after 14yrs, I still haven't figured it out, and thats why I have permanent damage in my feet and will end up with the same in my right arm if they don't hurry the hell up and figure this out.
Ok, done bitching, just a lil irritated tonight because of my flare up.
Night all.
But aside from that, I look forward to this week because it's one week closer to knowing whats going on with my health. I hope that the MEB will get back to me on the blood tests so perhaps they can tell me what I'm dealing with. This pain is ridiculous and yet they can't see anything in an MRI or XRAY? Sure wish there was some way they could see whats causing this pain in my right arm. Because there are days where I can't even use it and it pisses me off because they still haven't given me an answer....cuz they "don't know". Stop focusing on the shoulder and look at the bigger picture, the pains not just in the shoulder, as I've said over and over...its in the whole arm all the way down to the tips of my fingers. Yet they still focus on the damn shoulder. Getting a little tired of it because I just want the pain to go away in some way, shape or form. I'm a mechanic....turning wrenches is what I do....if I can't use my hands to do so, I'm useless. In my eyes, that makes me useless not being able to use my hands. So someone please tell me why it takes them so long to see the problem? Has anyone figured this out? Cuz after 14yrs, I still haven't figured it out, and thats why I have permanent damage in my feet and will end up with the same in my right arm if they don't hurry the hell up and figure this out.
Ok, done bitching, just a lil irritated tonight because of my flare up.
Night all.
Coping and dealing with the trauma......
Often times we want to forget everything that has happened to us. We want to erase the memories that cause us pain. We want the pain to just go away. The sad and unfortunate thing about this injury is no matter what, it never really goes away. So how do we deal? Well, I'm not really sure how to explain it in a manner that would be manageable for some. Because all we really want to do is escape from it all. So, rather, I'll just tell you how I cope and deal...every day.
I suffer from nightmares, I have anxiety attacks and I've been in that dark place where you think there's nothing left to do but die. But I dug myself out of that place. Through the help of friends, the aid of many faculties the docs have provided me, and just sheer drive to press on. The love I have for this job, and this country....and the amount of pride I have in what we stand for..keeps me from letting go. I don't want to become a statistic. I want to walk away proud of my service, even if towards the end I was broken....we're all broken. But its not the here and now that we should cling to, its the difference we made when we were in the fight. We've paid our dues, and we've been injured because of it. Despite the lack of help so many are getting, we must remember the Soldiers of Vietnam who walked the streets aimlessly, who had NO aid whatsoever.....when PTSD wasn't even known yet. It is those Soldiers we must remember when we are at our wits end. It is their memory we must hold on to and stand tall for. For they didn't have the resources we do today, and because of that, they suffered the worst kind of pain and most either became alcoholics or drug addicts or worse yet, soccumbed to their injury and ended their lives. It is their memory and their aloneness we must remember. Look to your battle buddy for help, seek the assistance of the many options you have...even if it means going to your congressman for assistance. Do what it takes to get them to help you.
Got a little off track here. I cope by using the many tools provided to me during my treatment. Biofeedback, Alphastim, yoga.....but even better than that...we have an outlet. Getting it off your chest and out of the depths of your brain and putting it to print can help, not only yourself, but those out there who have no one. The internet is an amazing tool and can be very therapeutic to not only yourself but the many people suffering in the darkness all alone. In essence, even if you feel like your "out of the fight" your really not. Your still helping your battle buddies, even if their through the internet. Blogs are exceptional tools to help cope with our injuries.
Also, I have found that if I take on projects, it helps me relax. Most don't think doing work in the yard is relaxing but I find it to be very relaxing. Out there, its just you and the grass and the birds. I take on crazy projects to keep my mind busy, it actually puts my mind at ease and I forget about the things that hurt the most, even if it is just momentary.
I also have pets (now I know the folks at WTU don't have that option but there's ways around this) that I spend most of the day playing with. I have my dogs, who are GREAT therapy dogs even if their not certified. :) My cats, well, their spoiled so not much can be said about them lol although when they do come lay on my lap, its relaxing.
Now how can you get around the whole pets in the barracks thing? Well, you could always go down to the animal shelter and offer to walk the dogs....spend some time with a dog...enjoy their company. I'm not certain if the post shelter allows this but 2nd Chance Animal Shelter on Clear Creek (on the way to the airport) will allow you to walk dogs and their complex is large enough you can walk the dog and sit out there and enjoy that dogs company for however long you want. Before I got my dogs I used to go over there and spend time with theirs. Hard to walk away because you grow to love that dog but at the same time, you always know there will be a dog there that needs the love and attention as much as you do. I believe that dogs truly are the best when it comes to therapy. They know when your down and they know how to cheer you up. Their there for you no matter what. They are after all, man's best friend.
So, that's how I deal......how about you? What have you found that helps you deal?
I suffer from nightmares, I have anxiety attacks and I've been in that dark place where you think there's nothing left to do but die. But I dug myself out of that place. Through the help of friends, the aid of many faculties the docs have provided me, and just sheer drive to press on. The love I have for this job, and this country....and the amount of pride I have in what we stand for..keeps me from letting go. I don't want to become a statistic. I want to walk away proud of my service, even if towards the end I was broken....we're all broken. But its not the here and now that we should cling to, its the difference we made when we were in the fight. We've paid our dues, and we've been injured because of it. Despite the lack of help so many are getting, we must remember the Soldiers of Vietnam who walked the streets aimlessly, who had NO aid whatsoever.....when PTSD wasn't even known yet. It is those Soldiers we must remember when we are at our wits end. It is their memory we must hold on to and stand tall for. For they didn't have the resources we do today, and because of that, they suffered the worst kind of pain and most either became alcoholics or drug addicts or worse yet, soccumbed to their injury and ended their lives. It is their memory and their aloneness we must remember. Look to your battle buddy for help, seek the assistance of the many options you have...even if it means going to your congressman for assistance. Do what it takes to get them to help you.
Got a little off track here. I cope by using the many tools provided to me during my treatment. Biofeedback, Alphastim, yoga.....but even better than that...we have an outlet. Getting it off your chest and out of the depths of your brain and putting it to print can help, not only yourself, but those out there who have no one. The internet is an amazing tool and can be very therapeutic to not only yourself but the many people suffering in the darkness all alone. In essence, even if you feel like your "out of the fight" your really not. Your still helping your battle buddies, even if their through the internet. Blogs are exceptional tools to help cope with our injuries.
Also, I have found that if I take on projects, it helps me relax. Most don't think doing work in the yard is relaxing but I find it to be very relaxing. Out there, its just you and the grass and the birds. I take on crazy projects to keep my mind busy, it actually puts my mind at ease and I forget about the things that hurt the most, even if it is just momentary.
I also have pets (now I know the folks at WTU don't have that option but there's ways around this) that I spend most of the day playing with. I have my dogs, who are GREAT therapy dogs even if their not certified. :) My cats, well, their spoiled so not much can be said about them lol although when they do come lay on my lap, its relaxing.
Now how can you get around the whole pets in the barracks thing? Well, you could always go down to the animal shelter and offer to walk the dogs....spend some time with a dog...enjoy their company. I'm not certain if the post shelter allows this but 2nd Chance Animal Shelter on Clear Creek (on the way to the airport) will allow you to walk dogs and their complex is large enough you can walk the dog and sit out there and enjoy that dogs company for however long you want. Before I got my dogs I used to go over there and spend time with theirs. Hard to walk away because you grow to love that dog but at the same time, you always know there will be a dog there that needs the love and attention as much as you do. I believe that dogs truly are the best when it comes to therapy. They know when your down and they know how to cheer you up. Their there for you no matter what. They are after all, man's best friend.
So, that's how I deal......how about you? What have you found that helps you deal?
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