July 4th...what it means

Today's Independence Day. Lots of lives were lost to make this day possible. And more will continue to pay the ultimate sacrifice so that you can continue to celebrate the freedoms you hold so dear to your heart, yet take for granted most days.

While you sit watching the fireworks with your friends and/or family. Those of us who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sit in our homes or barracks rooms trying our best not to fall apart. The sounds of those fireworks send our hearts into panic mode. We're uneasy. We're jumpy. We jump with every pop of the fireworks.

I sit here in my home playing music loud enough to almost drown out the sound. Yet I still hear it..and its got my skin crawling. I've taken my meds a little early tonight so that my anxiety would go down a little and perhaps I'll actually be able to sleep through this night.

Not only do we struggle with the anxiety and jumpiness that these fireworks cause, we also struggle with flashbacks. Every loud bang and crackle puts us back in the hell hole that made us the way we are today. About the only way to cope is to try to breath through it. Drown it out with music. Focus on something else. Conduct Biofeedback. Do some Alphastim. But it still lingers.

While your in the comfort of your homes, there are so many Soldiers sleeping in tents in Afghanistan right now not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Freshly deployed to a combat zone they are not familiar with. The unit served 2 tours in Iraq. Most of the personnel there are embarking on their very first deployment. Afghanistan is NOTHING like Iraq and I'm afraid they weren't really hearing that when Afghanistan veterans tried to tell them. I sit here in fear for my battle buddies lives every day. I wish I was there....simply because I took what my friend said about Afghanistan to heart and at least I would be able to contribute to their safety. Yet, I know that I cannot. Another deployment for me would most likely result in me not returning home alive. Is that a dismal thought? Perhaps it is but it's the truth. I do not believe my heart and mind would be able to cope with another deployment like OIF 1. I served in the initial wave and I know that that deployment was by far the worst of all rotations. And their in a place similar to how things were in OIF 1. I pray for their safety, especially on this day. A day when we remember those who paid that ultimate price for us. We cannot forget them. They will forever cling to our hearts and minds.

An average American, without military experience or affiliation really does not grasp the loss we as Soldiers have endured. The lives lost right before our eyes. And that is why today is so sacred. We memorialize our fallen comrades on days like this. There's no walking away when the fireworks are done and forgetting what the meaning of this day is once we lay our head on our pillow. Not with the wounded warrior. It lives with us every day. It haunts us. It rages war on our psyche. We try to cope, we learn techniques that are available, that may help us through the pain. But then you find yourself alone in your home hearing these fireworks pop off and your all alone again. Where do you turn? How do you cope? What if the tools given to you to help you deal don't work? Then what? I'm not real sure right now. Just trying my best. That's all anyone can ask right?

Happy Independence Day to all. I ask no one to stop celebrating their 4th of July. I just ask, within my own 4 walls---really simply pleading with myself---that these noises will stop. I will not take away from anyone's celebration. I just wish I could find a means to block it out.

That is all.