Well, today I had my Psych Eval with DES. While he tried to keep from putting me back in that place, it was inevitable. He asked key questions regarding what I had endured but didn't force me to go into detail. But, there was really no stopping it you know? When you open that can of worms its impossible to stop. So, in a sense I had to relive that which haunts me yet again today. Does it make it any easier to deal with? Yes and no. Hearing someone tell you you definetely have endured a great deal and not blow off your symptoms affirms your concerns. And tells you your not crazy....and your not alone. So, yes, in a way it is a good thing. But the bad thing is, it takes you a number of steps back on progress every time you have to "relive" it.
So tonights kind of a bad night for me. I'm back in that dark place, where guilt and anger eat at me. Yet, I know I had no control over what happened back in 2003, however I can't help but feel guilty. Why couldn't it have been me? Why'd it have to be him? Why'd it have to be the guy who never met his baby girl? Why not me? I still find myself asking that question even though the logical part of me is saying there was nothing I could do about it...there was no way I could have taken his place. Yet...it still eats at me you know?
Everyone copes in their own way and I'm finding that taking on the task of training my dog to be a Therapy Dog is really actually great therapy for me lol. And it's made me think about a different career path after my time in the military is done. No more wrenches. No more helicopters. I'm actually contemplating going into Social Work, for the military. Specifically the treatment of Soldiers suffering from PTSD, anxiety and depression. Yes, a Social Worker really is just there to listen and that's what I'd like to do..with the help of my dog. She'll put her head in their lap and help them to relax. It sure works for me :)
Well, for many it is late, but for me the night is still young. I cannot attempt to go to sleep for another hour. But I will be closing out this blog for tonight. Thank you for listening.
"War is sweet for the inexperienced." In no way will I ever try to compare my combat experience to that of an Infantryman, Sniper, MP, Tanker or a Combat Medic, however, one thing that brings us all together is the after effects we carry home with us. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an injury that ranges from mild to severe to debilitating. Folks need to know that despite the lack of visible scars, we're still wounded.
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