Military One Source, Combat Stress Resources for Military Families
Family and Friend Resources
How to Deal With a Military Spouse's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
PTSD Forum
Stars and Stripes article about PTSD
PTSD-Military Significant Others and Spouse Support-Military SOS.com
Coping with a spouse who has PTSD
Wives Combat PTSD Support Site
The links above are just some items I thought I'd post since I know there are a number of folks who have contacted me in regards to their soldier spouse and possible PTSD. These resources are for you.
Old Sarge Out!
"War is sweet for the inexperienced." In no way will I ever try to compare my combat experience to that of an Infantryman, Sniper, MP, Tanker or a Combat Medic, however, one thing that brings us all together is the after effects we carry home with us. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an injury that ranges from mild to severe to debilitating. Folks need to know that despite the lack of visible scars, we're still wounded.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
PTSD Information for spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends
I thought I'd share this with everyone should you fear your partner has PTSD.
Partners With PTSD
by Frank Ochberg, M.D.
How does the Spouse React?
“I have suffered through many therapists that know squat about PTSD. All my "ah ha" moments have come from reading articles like yours and the few good books that are out there.
I wish someone would write an article just for family members and friends that helps them to understand PTSD, and directly addresses their roles and responsibilities. They should have some, should they not?
An alcoholic wouldn't be offered a drink, a diabetic some forbidden food. I know my analogies are not clear but hope you understand. Often I have some pretty good days only to be sabotaged by those I love most. At least it feels that way.”
This email request arrived recently. I don't know who voiced this legitimate call for help, but I hope to provide just what the writer seeks: an article for family members and intimate friends who want to understand PTSD, and to assume effective roles and responsibilities as caring partners.
If you are a partner of someone with PTSD, I thank you for reading this. Somebody who relies on you wants you to appreciate and respect the condition that haunts them. With so much in the popular press, on television and in movies that touches on trauma, it is easy to have partial information about traumatic stress, but to miss the full impact of this profound condition.
When I ask my patients, “Does your husband or wife or closest friend really understand?,” I seldom hear a confident, “Yes they do!” And when a spouse or loved one does understand, I feel relieved. The prognosis for improvement goes up considerably. I have an ally.
So if you are that person - the partner who is willing to set aside preconception and take the time to learn about PTSD, thank you again for your attention. Here goes!
What is PTSD?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a medical condition. It is a specific alteration in brain function due to experiencing something real, shocking, and profoundly disturbing. Not everybody responds to trauma with the PTSD pattern of mental change. Because of inherited and acquired predispositions, some will and some will not develop PTSD after very similar traumatic events. But once the circuits in the brain are affected by the PTSD pattern, a survivor has the following three problems:
Uncontrollable, Intrusive Memory
First: their memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into awareness, when it isn't wanted or welcome. This “hot memory” lasts minutes to hours and may be clear or altered, like a dream. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic. And she or he may feel entirely out of conscious control. Some of my patients fear they are going crazy. Often the trauma comes back in subtle ways - a fleeting feeling, a vague sense of disease. This may not be terrifying, but when it occurs frequently it changes one's whole sense of being the person they once were. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares, and the nightmare may have images that were never seen before, but resemble old demons from childhood. The worst memory symptom is the waking nightmare, the flashback. This is as vivid as reality, and may actually seem like reality. I've been there, with a patient having a flashback, several dozen times. It frightens me! We'll talk about managing your partner’s flashback later.
Emotional Anesthesia
Second: a person with PTSD feels like a shadow of their former self. I call this “emotional anesthesia.” Some tell me they have no feeling. They are distant and detached. They wish they had more zest for life and they know they disappoint those who want them to be interactive and lively. But the genuine desire to socialize just isn't there. Your partner may or may not be depressed. Being depressed is feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, and having no energy for the activities one feels she or he was put on earth to do. PTSD is not quite the same as depression, but may bring on an episode of depression (1).
This second element of PTSD is often called “being numb and avoidant.” Your loved one just isn't fully alive. You, the caring spouse or friend, can't make this medical symptom go away. But you can help your partner feel less guilty and embarrassed about having the affliction. We'll come back to managing this later, too.
Anxiety
Finally, PTSD makes a person anxious. Anxiety affects each of us differently. The usual pattern includes irritability, impaired concentration, sleep disturbance, being “jumpy” (easily startled), and worried about threats and threatening individuals. This last element of PTSD pattern anxiety is called “hypervigilance.” It isn't paranoia, but it may seem similar. Some of my patients are too nervous to be intimate. Sexuality is often sacrificed in the early weeks of PTSD.
It returns, but shouldn't be rushed. When partners can't communicate easily and effectively about sex and other private, personal subjects, matters inevitably grow worse. Your friend or loved one may be embarrassed and inhibited. Or you may be the one who would rather not discuss “touchy” issues. Or one of you could be the partner who talks too much, contributing to discomfort in the other. Remember, partners with PTSD are far more anxious than they were before they developed the disorder. They have too much adrenalin and it makes them less efficient, less effective, less able to control their behavior. They aren't sleeping restfully. They cannot concentrate fully. Loud noises make their hearts jump.
So there you have it. PTSD is a physical condition and it is real. It is not “in your head.” You can't talk someone out of it, or ignore it and assume it will just go away. It consists of three things:
(1) Haunting, unwanted, frightening recollections.
(2) Emotional anesthesia that diminishes and distances a person.
(3) Anxiety that affects sleep, concentration, serenity - and sometimes, sexuality.
By definition, PTSD lasts at least a month but the difficult cases last several years.
Before we get to your role as help-mate, let me add a few more points about traumatized people. Not all survivors develop the whole PTSD pattern, but they may have some of the symptoms mentioned above. The person with “partial PTSD” doesn't qualify for the medical diagnosis, but still needs your understanding and help.
However, many survivors of trauma have more than PTSD.
Complications of PTSD
Some survivors have additional medical and psychiatric conditions that complicate and prolong PTSD problems. Common among these are preexisting personality disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, chronic pain, and bereavement.
Childhood Abuse
Personality disorders may last a lifetime and include such traits as dependence, avoidance and a very insecure sense of self. This is not the place to discuss personality issues in depth. But it should be obvious that anyone who was severely harmed by a parent (incest, physical abuse, neglect) will adapt in ways that may expose her or him to further abuse from authority figures. Your partner may have PTSD related to early abuse and later abuse. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. For these survivors of childhood oppression, PTSD is less than half of their burden. A much larger issue for these partners is knowing whom to trust, when to trust, and how to trust. For now, let’s just agree that exposure to cruelty from a parent (or parent surrogate) creates more than PTSD and requires more information than I can give here.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Alcohol is such a common “fix” for insomnia and anxiety that most of my patients have reported dramatically increased use after major trauma. Many become alcohol dependent. Sometimes prescription drugs (often painkillers) or illicit drugs (often marijuana) are chosen and used, not for recreation, but for sedation. This may be the case with your partner, and if it is you face additional risks and burdens. PTSD plus alcoholism is more likely to become a chronic condition. PTSD plus pain from injury is likely to prolong recovery and include self-medication. When the trauma includes death of a loved one, normal grief is complicated by inescapable images of unnatural dying (see articles by E.K. Rynearson, M.D. on the http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/recovery.html website). War creates the battleground for all these complications.
Veterans of War and Violence
Alcoholic survivors may be males with PTSD from combat or from violent incidents that resemble combat. We shouldn't stereotype by gender, but I must point out that the “caregiver burden” for the wife of the traumatized vet is usually different than the role of the husband of the victimized wife. The male veteran with PTSD has a greater likelihood of being angry, aggressive, uncommunicative, secretly embarrassed and difficult to reach than the female with PTSD. Partners of male veterans have been systematically studied. A collection of these studies by Drs. Calhoun and Wampler in the National Center for PTSD Clinical Quarterly (2) includes the statement, “almost half of these women (partners) reported having felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’”
If you are a wife or significant other of a veteran who has become seriously impaired - and is also menacing to you because of PTSD, you are advised to seek professional help for yourself. However, Calhoun and Wampler caution, “many veterans suffering from chronic PTSD are openly distrustful and may view the involvement of their partner (in therapy) as a threat.” Somehow, you the wife of the veteran, need to assure your own physical safety as you learn to reduce your “caregiver burden” and help your husband overcome the anguish and humiliation of chronic PTSD.
The emerging literature on “caregiver burden,” aimed at helping the help-mate, justifies therapy and counseling and support groups for the partner of the person with chronic PTSD. Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most normal, caring partners. And the source of your partner’s PTSD need not be anything as dramatic as combat or violent crime to justify your own self-help. One of the most common causes of PTSD is the automobile accident.
Partners Helping Partners with PTSD
My guess is that, initially, most readers of this article will be women who have been abused and who want their partners to have reasonable expectations and to be supportive. Their partners, primarily male, will then read these words. But regardless of your gender, let me now speak specifically to you, the partner of the person with PTSD. I'll use “her” to refer to the partner with PTSD, but this applies equally to same-gender partners and women helping men.
Flashbacks
Your partner may have had a flashback at some point, or may be having them now. Do you know? Flashbacks are not the same as epileptic seizures, but we can consider them equally sudden, violent, and debilitating. You wouldn't want to elicit a flashback by mistake. In general, you can help with flashbacks by knowing whether your partner has them, and learning whether your presence during an episode is comforting or not.
Don't ask about the details of a flashback, since that might bring one on. Do ask if you have ever been particularly helpful in preventing or minimizing flashback effects. Build upon your natural ways of being supportive, and upon your partner’s individual needs. Some partners want to be physically embraced. Others are made more anxious by a man’s touch. Some partners do want to tell you details of terrifying memories, and they may want to repeat these details as a way of overcoming the threat. If it helps your partner, lend an ear. If you can't take it because you become too angry with a perpetrator or too overwhelmed with empathy, point that out. But be caring as you explain your limitation, and do your best to find ways of increasing your emotional resilience so that you can be an effective listener.
If your partner knows you are working at being able to handle her trauma history, you'll be respected rather than resented. If your partner is in therapy and her therapist has not done anything to help her overcome flashbacks, she may need a better therapist. Not every licensed mental health worker can treat the cardinal symptom of PTSD. I use something called “The Counting Method” (see http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/counting.html for details). Others use EMDR or “re-exposure therapy.” These techniques all allow survivors to remember their most traumatic moments (to the point of having a flashback in the office) but to get to the end of it and to eventually become confident about their ability to remember at will. In essence, your partner retrains her brain to have “cool memories” rather than “hot memories.”
She literally learns to remember using the normal brain pathways rather than the PTSD pathways. Unfortunately, it is a painful process, like resetting a broken bone. I try to keep it as brief as possible, while getting the job done. You can help by assuring that your partner finds her way to an effective PTSD specialist, if she needs one.
Trigger Events
Does your partner have other, less dramatic problems associated with unwanted recollection? She may have “anniversary reactions” in which a seasonal reminder causes her to have sensations rather than memories. She may find that certain people or places bring back ugly images and sweaty palms. No harm in asking about this. In general, help her avoid these unwanted triggers with dignity. But if she chooses to risk confrontation (and possible PTSD symptoms) help with the plan. It may include a quick escape from her step-father’s house. It may require you to be near-by as she deals with a family dinner and formerly abusive relatives. The worst thing you can do is to set the agenda for her. That would be giving sugar to a diabetic.
You'll know if you are on the right track. You'll get positive feedback.
Emotional Distance
What if your partner is numb? She has little or no outward expression of feeling. You even wonder if she loves you. Give it time. Do not add insult to injury by blaming her for PTSD. Don't rush her into intimacy. If she is seeing a counselor, ask if you can come, too - or if you can visit her therapist alone. This is called a “collateral visit” and is covered by most insurance companies. Not every therapist allows this but I'm always interested, if my patient approves. This is my chance to explain the issues that I'm writing about here, and, more important, to listen carefully to the partner so that I can help him help her. Often I hear the question, “When is she going to get over it?” This is a proper question to ask, and if I cannot be accurate to the day, I can often explain what is going well, what is taking time, and what I expect in terms of the rate of recovery.
Overcoming that numb feeling and the distance from a loved one that accompanies emotional anesthesia is never easy to accomplish or to predict.
Medication
Your partner may benefit from medication. One of the newest anti-depressant drugs on the market is Lexapro. A very small dose (10 milligrams) taken daily for a few months could help with the mood impairment of PTSD. Lexapro is the active ingredient of Celexa and both drugs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). You can read up on the medications and be able to discuss them intelligently with your partner, should she find herself undecided about medication. When a person has major depression in addition to PTSD, it really is a “no-brainer.” Antidepressants are like insulin to a severe diabetic. Without them, the risks are high (prolonged depression, medical impairment, suicide). Antidepressants help over 70% of people with first episode, biological depression. I usually prescribe a SSRI for someone with PTSD and depressed mood.
Minor tranquilizers such as Xanax and Ativan are often helpful in the beginning, when symptoms are most intense, or during times of re-exposure to people and places associated with the original trauma. Unlike the antidepressants, however, these drugs can become habit-forming. And they do not mix well with alcohol.
Several types of medication help with sleep. Trazodone (originally marketed as Desyrel) helps with early morning wakening. If your partner awakens at 2 or 3 AM and cannot get back to sleep, this medication may be a godsend. And it is not addicting. It is actually an anti-depressant rather than a sedative, but it is no longer used as an anti-depressant. It does help most persons with “early morning” insomnia.
The medications that help a person fall asleep are habit-forming, and should be used sparingly. You can help by learning about these differences, by supporting the choices that your partner makes, with her doctor, and helping her feel good about herself, even if she requires medical assistance to function at her best.
Ministry of Presence
You might also help your partner, if she is “down,” by being there without imposing an agenda. As a Red Cross volunteer, I have dealt with hundreds of grieving loved ones, simply being there. We call it “the ministry of presence.” Nothing needs to be said. You do simple favors. You find a way to be occupied while the survivor does whatever she does.
Obviously, you reach a point when being there, and nothing more, is hard to do. The rules change as PTSD drags on. Some partners can talk about this; some have a difficult time communicating. Couples therapy can help - and you needn't see a PTSD specialist for that. Any good family or couples counselor can facilitate effective exchange and mutual solving of problems. There are support groups in some communities for persons who care for loved ones with chronic medical conditions. “First responders” to traumatic events are learning ways of being present for one another. Gift From Within produced a training film called, “When Helping Hurts,” to address this issue (available at http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/video4.html). You are now a “first responder,” too.
Ineffective Therapists
I realize, as I write about counselors and therapists, there are good ones and bad ones. If you visit http://www.ptsdinfo.org/ you will find a questionnaire. The results of the questionnaire change as more people post their answers, but a trend is already evident. Most visitors to the PTSD Information website are survivors of abuse. Most have been in therapy. Two-thirds report that they were dissatisfied with their therapist! While this may be a sample who are seeking information because of ineffective counseling, the startling fact is still worth noting. My advice: don't stay with a therapist whom you don't like or don't trust. Shop around. Ask friends about good therapists. If your partner doesn't feel good about her therapist, ask if you can help her find another. It may be embarrassing to leave a doctor. We are authority figures. Many survivors don't know how to say, “No,” to a father-figure. Of course, you have to be careful about turning into a too-dominating figure yourself. But you can succeed with some careful thought.
Anxiety
Finally, let’s consider the anxiety component of PTSD. Your partner probably has too much adrenalin in her system. It may not be quite that simple. Her fear threshold has been lowered and she is easily alarmed, even though a blood sample of adrenalin would be normal. There is no biological advantage in having one's fear threshold that low. Eventually, she doesn't trust her instincts, and that could be a bad mistake. So many people without PTSD have anxiety problems. And there are many, many ways to reduce anxiety. Alcohol is the classic - and the worst - medicine. But exercise, music, good food in healthy quantities, laughter, spiritual and inspirational activity are all tried and tested and true remedies. It is a matter of individual taste and individual choice. I have an essay on “Post-Traumatic Therapy” that appears on several websites (try http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/trauma.html, again). Read it for tips on increasing one's fitness and humor and spirituality. If your partner is anxious, but not depressed, she may be easy to help. I'd try the non-medication approaches first because the drugs that tranquilize are more addicting by far than the antidepressants. But minor tranquilizers do have a purpose and can make a huge difference, particularly in the early weeks of PTSD.
Summing Up
To sum this up, I'd say that being a partner, a friend, a spouse of someone with PTSD is both a burden and a gift. The term “caregiver burden” recognizes that you are at risk, particularly when you care deeply. You may need and deserve as much professional help as your partner. Or you may do fine without a therapist, as long as you take care of yourself, and then learn how to be effective as a help-mate.
Helping fellow human beings is the greatest gift any of us can experience. It really is better to give than to receive. And your opportunity to give begins with listening. Then with learning. Then with understanding. Sometimes, all you have to do is be there.
References:
(2) Volume 11 (2) 2002, “Reducing Caregiver Burden and Psychological Distress in Partners of Veterans with PTSD”.(back)
© Gift From Within & Frank M. Ochberg, MD
More to follow
Old Sarge
Partners With PTSD
by Frank Ochberg, M.D.
How does the Spouse React?
“I have suffered through many therapists that know squat about PTSD. All my "ah ha" moments have come from reading articles like yours and the few good books that are out there.
I wish someone would write an article just for family members and friends that helps them to understand PTSD, and directly addresses their roles and responsibilities. They should have some, should they not?
An alcoholic wouldn't be offered a drink, a diabetic some forbidden food. I know my analogies are not clear but hope you understand. Often I have some pretty good days only to be sabotaged by those I love most. At least it feels that way.”
This email request arrived recently. I don't know who voiced this legitimate call for help, but I hope to provide just what the writer seeks: an article for family members and intimate friends who want to understand PTSD, and to assume effective roles and responsibilities as caring partners.
If you are a partner of someone with PTSD, I thank you for reading this. Somebody who relies on you wants you to appreciate and respect the condition that haunts them. With so much in the popular press, on television and in movies that touches on trauma, it is easy to have partial information about traumatic stress, but to miss the full impact of this profound condition.
When I ask my patients, “Does your husband or wife or closest friend really understand?,” I seldom hear a confident, “Yes they do!” And when a spouse or loved one does understand, I feel relieved. The prognosis for improvement goes up considerably. I have an ally.
So if you are that person - the partner who is willing to set aside preconception and take the time to learn about PTSD, thank you again for your attention. Here goes!
What is PTSD?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a medical condition. It is a specific alteration in brain function due to experiencing something real, shocking, and profoundly disturbing. Not everybody responds to trauma with the PTSD pattern of mental change. Because of inherited and acquired predispositions, some will and some will not develop PTSD after very similar traumatic events. But once the circuits in the brain are affected by the PTSD pattern, a survivor has the following three problems:
Uncontrollable, Intrusive Memory
First: their memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into awareness, when it isn't wanted or welcome. This “hot memory” lasts minutes to hours and may be clear or altered, like a dream. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic. And she or he may feel entirely out of conscious control. Some of my patients fear they are going crazy. Often the trauma comes back in subtle ways - a fleeting feeling, a vague sense of disease. This may not be terrifying, but when it occurs frequently it changes one's whole sense of being the person they once were. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares, and the nightmare may have images that were never seen before, but resemble old demons from childhood. The worst memory symptom is the waking nightmare, the flashback. This is as vivid as reality, and may actually seem like reality. I've been there, with a patient having a flashback, several dozen times. It frightens me! We'll talk about managing your partner’s flashback later.
Emotional Anesthesia
Second: a person with PTSD feels like a shadow of their former self. I call this “emotional anesthesia.” Some tell me they have no feeling. They are distant and detached. They wish they had more zest for life and they know they disappoint those who want them to be interactive and lively. But the genuine desire to socialize just isn't there. Your partner may or may not be depressed. Being depressed is feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, and having no energy for the activities one feels she or he was put on earth to do. PTSD is not quite the same as depression, but may bring on an episode of depression (1).
This second element of PTSD is often called “being numb and avoidant.” Your loved one just isn't fully alive. You, the caring spouse or friend, can't make this medical symptom go away. But you can help your partner feel less guilty and embarrassed about having the affliction. We'll come back to managing this later, too.
Anxiety
Finally, PTSD makes a person anxious. Anxiety affects each of us differently. The usual pattern includes irritability, impaired concentration, sleep disturbance, being “jumpy” (easily startled), and worried about threats and threatening individuals. This last element of PTSD pattern anxiety is called “hypervigilance.” It isn't paranoia, but it may seem similar. Some of my patients are too nervous to be intimate. Sexuality is often sacrificed in the early weeks of PTSD.
It returns, but shouldn't be rushed. When partners can't communicate easily and effectively about sex and other private, personal subjects, matters inevitably grow worse. Your friend or loved one may be embarrassed and inhibited. Or you may be the one who would rather not discuss “touchy” issues. Or one of you could be the partner who talks too much, contributing to discomfort in the other. Remember, partners with PTSD are far more anxious than they were before they developed the disorder. They have too much adrenalin and it makes them less efficient, less effective, less able to control their behavior. They aren't sleeping restfully. They cannot concentrate fully. Loud noises make their hearts jump.
So there you have it. PTSD is a physical condition and it is real. It is not “in your head.” You can't talk someone out of it, or ignore it and assume it will just go away. It consists of three things:
(1) Haunting, unwanted, frightening recollections.
(2) Emotional anesthesia that diminishes and distances a person.
(3) Anxiety that affects sleep, concentration, serenity - and sometimes, sexuality.
By definition, PTSD lasts at least a month but the difficult cases last several years.
Before we get to your role as help-mate, let me add a few more points about traumatized people. Not all survivors develop the whole PTSD pattern, but they may have some of the symptoms mentioned above. The person with “partial PTSD” doesn't qualify for the medical diagnosis, but still needs your understanding and help.
However, many survivors of trauma have more than PTSD.
Complications of PTSD
Some survivors have additional medical and psychiatric conditions that complicate and prolong PTSD problems. Common among these are preexisting personality disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, chronic pain, and bereavement.
Childhood Abuse
Personality disorders may last a lifetime and include such traits as dependence, avoidance and a very insecure sense of self. This is not the place to discuss personality issues in depth. But it should be obvious that anyone who was severely harmed by a parent (incest, physical abuse, neglect) will adapt in ways that may expose her or him to further abuse from authority figures. Your partner may have PTSD related to early abuse and later abuse. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. For these survivors of childhood oppression, PTSD is less than half of their burden. A much larger issue for these partners is knowing whom to trust, when to trust, and how to trust. For now, let’s just agree that exposure to cruelty from a parent (or parent surrogate) creates more than PTSD and requires more information than I can give here.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Alcohol is such a common “fix” for insomnia and anxiety that most of my patients have reported dramatically increased use after major trauma. Many become alcohol dependent. Sometimes prescription drugs (often painkillers) or illicit drugs (often marijuana) are chosen and used, not for recreation, but for sedation. This may be the case with your partner, and if it is you face additional risks and burdens. PTSD plus alcoholism is more likely to become a chronic condition. PTSD plus pain from injury is likely to prolong recovery and include self-medication. When the trauma includes death of a loved one, normal grief is complicated by inescapable images of unnatural dying (see articles by E.K. Rynearson, M.D. on the http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/recovery.html website). War creates the battleground for all these complications.
Veterans of War and Violence
Alcoholic survivors may be males with PTSD from combat or from violent incidents that resemble combat. We shouldn't stereotype by gender, but I must point out that the “caregiver burden” for the wife of the traumatized vet is usually different than the role of the husband of the victimized wife. The male veteran with PTSD has a greater likelihood of being angry, aggressive, uncommunicative, secretly embarrassed and difficult to reach than the female with PTSD. Partners of male veterans have been systematically studied. A collection of these studies by Drs. Calhoun and Wampler in the National Center for PTSD Clinical Quarterly (2) includes the statement, “almost half of these women (partners) reported having felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’”
If you are a wife or significant other of a veteran who has become seriously impaired - and is also menacing to you because of PTSD, you are advised to seek professional help for yourself. However, Calhoun and Wampler caution, “many veterans suffering from chronic PTSD are openly distrustful and may view the involvement of their partner (in therapy) as a threat.” Somehow, you the wife of the veteran, need to assure your own physical safety as you learn to reduce your “caregiver burden” and help your husband overcome the anguish and humiliation of chronic PTSD.
The emerging literature on “caregiver burden,” aimed at helping the help-mate, justifies therapy and counseling and support groups for the partner of the person with chronic PTSD. Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most normal, caring partners. And the source of your partner’s PTSD need not be anything as dramatic as combat or violent crime to justify your own self-help. One of the most common causes of PTSD is the automobile accident.
Partners Helping Partners with PTSD
My guess is that, initially, most readers of this article will be women who have been abused and who want their partners to have reasonable expectations and to be supportive. Their partners, primarily male, will then read these words. But regardless of your gender, let me now speak specifically to you, the partner of the person with PTSD. I'll use “her” to refer to the partner with PTSD, but this applies equally to same-gender partners and women helping men.
Flashbacks
Your partner may have had a flashback at some point, or may be having them now. Do you know? Flashbacks are not the same as epileptic seizures, but we can consider them equally sudden, violent, and debilitating. You wouldn't want to elicit a flashback by mistake. In general, you can help with flashbacks by knowing whether your partner has them, and learning whether your presence during an episode is comforting or not.
Don't ask about the details of a flashback, since that might bring one on. Do ask if you have ever been particularly helpful in preventing or minimizing flashback effects. Build upon your natural ways of being supportive, and upon your partner’s individual needs. Some partners want to be physically embraced. Others are made more anxious by a man’s touch. Some partners do want to tell you details of terrifying memories, and they may want to repeat these details as a way of overcoming the threat. If it helps your partner, lend an ear. If you can't take it because you become too angry with a perpetrator or too overwhelmed with empathy, point that out. But be caring as you explain your limitation, and do your best to find ways of increasing your emotional resilience so that you can be an effective listener.
If your partner knows you are working at being able to handle her trauma history, you'll be respected rather than resented. If your partner is in therapy and her therapist has not done anything to help her overcome flashbacks, she may need a better therapist. Not every licensed mental health worker can treat the cardinal symptom of PTSD. I use something called “The Counting Method” (see http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/counting.html for details). Others use EMDR or “re-exposure therapy.” These techniques all allow survivors to remember their most traumatic moments (to the point of having a flashback in the office) but to get to the end of it and to eventually become confident about their ability to remember at will. In essence, your partner retrains her brain to have “cool memories” rather than “hot memories.”
She literally learns to remember using the normal brain pathways rather than the PTSD pathways. Unfortunately, it is a painful process, like resetting a broken bone. I try to keep it as brief as possible, while getting the job done. You can help by assuring that your partner finds her way to an effective PTSD specialist, if she needs one.
Trigger Events
Does your partner have other, less dramatic problems associated with unwanted recollection? She may have “anniversary reactions” in which a seasonal reminder causes her to have sensations rather than memories. She may find that certain people or places bring back ugly images and sweaty palms. No harm in asking about this. In general, help her avoid these unwanted triggers with dignity. But if she chooses to risk confrontation (and possible PTSD symptoms) help with the plan. It may include a quick escape from her step-father’s house. It may require you to be near-by as she deals with a family dinner and formerly abusive relatives. The worst thing you can do is to set the agenda for her. That would be giving sugar to a diabetic.
You'll know if you are on the right track. You'll get positive feedback.
Emotional Distance
What if your partner is numb? She has little or no outward expression of feeling. You even wonder if she loves you. Give it time. Do not add insult to injury by blaming her for PTSD. Don't rush her into intimacy. If she is seeing a counselor, ask if you can come, too - or if you can visit her therapist alone. This is called a “collateral visit” and is covered by most insurance companies. Not every therapist allows this but I'm always interested, if my patient approves. This is my chance to explain the issues that I'm writing about here, and, more important, to listen carefully to the partner so that I can help him help her. Often I hear the question, “When is she going to get over it?” This is a proper question to ask, and if I cannot be accurate to the day, I can often explain what is going well, what is taking time, and what I expect in terms of the rate of recovery.
Overcoming that numb feeling and the distance from a loved one that accompanies emotional anesthesia is never easy to accomplish or to predict.
Medication
Your partner may benefit from medication. One of the newest anti-depressant drugs on the market is Lexapro. A very small dose (10 milligrams) taken daily for a few months could help with the mood impairment of PTSD. Lexapro is the active ingredient of Celexa and both drugs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). You can read up on the medications and be able to discuss them intelligently with your partner, should she find herself undecided about medication. When a person has major depression in addition to PTSD, it really is a “no-brainer.” Antidepressants are like insulin to a severe diabetic. Without them, the risks are high (prolonged depression, medical impairment, suicide). Antidepressants help over 70% of people with first episode, biological depression. I usually prescribe a SSRI for someone with PTSD and depressed mood.
Minor tranquilizers such as Xanax and Ativan are often helpful in the beginning, when symptoms are most intense, or during times of re-exposure to people and places associated with the original trauma. Unlike the antidepressants, however, these drugs can become habit-forming. And they do not mix well with alcohol.
Several types of medication help with sleep. Trazodone (originally marketed as Desyrel) helps with early morning wakening. If your partner awakens at 2 or 3 AM and cannot get back to sleep, this medication may be a godsend. And it is not addicting. It is actually an anti-depressant rather than a sedative, but it is no longer used as an anti-depressant. It does help most persons with “early morning” insomnia.
The medications that help a person fall asleep are habit-forming, and should be used sparingly. You can help by learning about these differences, by supporting the choices that your partner makes, with her doctor, and helping her feel good about herself, even if she requires medical assistance to function at her best.
Ministry of Presence
You might also help your partner, if she is “down,” by being there without imposing an agenda. As a Red Cross volunteer, I have dealt with hundreds of grieving loved ones, simply being there. We call it “the ministry of presence.” Nothing needs to be said. You do simple favors. You find a way to be occupied while the survivor does whatever she does.
Obviously, you reach a point when being there, and nothing more, is hard to do. The rules change as PTSD drags on. Some partners can talk about this; some have a difficult time communicating. Couples therapy can help - and you needn't see a PTSD specialist for that. Any good family or couples counselor can facilitate effective exchange and mutual solving of problems. There are support groups in some communities for persons who care for loved ones with chronic medical conditions. “First responders” to traumatic events are learning ways of being present for one another. Gift From Within produced a training film called, “When Helping Hurts,” to address this issue (available at http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/video4.html). You are now a “first responder,” too.
Ineffective Therapists
I realize, as I write about counselors and therapists, there are good ones and bad ones. If you visit http://www.ptsdinfo.org/ you will find a questionnaire. The results of the questionnaire change as more people post their answers, but a trend is already evident. Most visitors to the PTSD Information website are survivors of abuse. Most have been in therapy. Two-thirds report that they were dissatisfied with their therapist! While this may be a sample who are seeking information because of ineffective counseling, the startling fact is still worth noting. My advice: don't stay with a therapist whom you don't like or don't trust. Shop around. Ask friends about good therapists. If your partner doesn't feel good about her therapist, ask if you can help her find another. It may be embarrassing to leave a doctor. We are authority figures. Many survivors don't know how to say, “No,” to a father-figure. Of course, you have to be careful about turning into a too-dominating figure yourself. But you can succeed with some careful thought.
Anxiety
Finally, let’s consider the anxiety component of PTSD. Your partner probably has too much adrenalin in her system. It may not be quite that simple. Her fear threshold has been lowered and she is easily alarmed, even though a blood sample of adrenalin would be normal. There is no biological advantage in having one's fear threshold that low. Eventually, she doesn't trust her instincts, and that could be a bad mistake. So many people without PTSD have anxiety problems. And there are many, many ways to reduce anxiety. Alcohol is the classic - and the worst - medicine. But exercise, music, good food in healthy quantities, laughter, spiritual and inspirational activity are all tried and tested and true remedies. It is a matter of individual taste and individual choice. I have an essay on “Post-Traumatic Therapy” that appears on several websites (try http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/trauma.html, again). Read it for tips on increasing one's fitness and humor and spirituality. If your partner is anxious, but not depressed, she may be easy to help. I'd try the non-medication approaches first because the drugs that tranquilize are more addicting by far than the antidepressants. But minor tranquilizers do have a purpose and can make a huge difference, particularly in the early weeks of PTSD.
Summing Up
To sum this up, I'd say that being a partner, a friend, a spouse of someone with PTSD is both a burden and a gift. The term “caregiver burden” recognizes that you are at risk, particularly when you care deeply. You may need and deserve as much professional help as your partner. Or you may do fine without a therapist, as long as you take care of yourself, and then learn how to be effective as a help-mate.
Helping fellow human beings is the greatest gift any of us can experience. It really is better to give than to receive. And your opportunity to give begins with listening. Then with learning. Then with understanding. Sometimes, all you have to do is be there.
References:
(2) Volume 11 (2) 2002, “Reducing Caregiver Burden and Psychological Distress in Partners of Veterans with PTSD”.(back)
© Gift From Within & Frank M. Ochberg, MD
More to follow
Old Sarge
Saturday, August 28, 2010
When PTSD goes untreated.........
Officer shot near Grand America Hotel; gunman shot and killed
By Aaron Falk
and Abigail Shaha
Deseret News
SALT LAKE CITY — A man in full combat gear — including body armor and hundreds of rounds of ammunition — opened fire on a Salt Lake patrol officer Friday afternoon near the Grand America Hotel — the third Utah officer to be shot in just two days.
At approximately 3:37, police got a 911 call saying a man with a gun was pacing along State Street between 500 South and 600 South, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Robin Snyder. The man, identified by Snyder as 28-year-old Brandon S. Barrett, was in full military combat uniform, including body armor, a helmet and combat boots. Barrett was also carrying numerous rounds of ammunition and a "long gun," though police are unsure whether it was an assault rifle or a shotgun.
By 3:41, police officers were at the scene. Barrett "engaged immediately" in shooting at the officers and shot one in the leg, Snyder said.
Police are unsure exactly how many shots Barrett and police officers fired, but in the end, Snyder said, she believes the officer who was hit was able to return fire and kill Barrett.
In the aftermath of a brief shootout, multiple bullet holes could be seen in the windshield of a patrol car, and the bloodied body of the gunman, dressed in fatigues, lay on a patch of grass near the hotel.
Story continues below
In a photograph taken by the Deseret News, the fallen shooter appears to have 11 clips strapped to his body. His uniform featured a patch with the letters "ISAF," possibly the International Security Assistance Force, which is a NATO-led security mission in Afghanistan.
Police believe Barrett was a U.S. Army veteran, most recently stationed at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Tacoma, Wash.
Pat Taylor and Tom Meyer of New Orleans said they were staying at the Grand America, near 600 South and State, and saw a man in fatigues as they were leaving the hotel's parking garage.
The man told Taylor and Meyer he was "training," and the two men said they thanked him for his service.
As they watched the man pace for a while, however, they became suspicious.
"We thought something was wrong," Taylor told the Deseret News. "I started to think he was going to kill somebody."
The men said they notified a passing Salt Lake police officer and contacted hotel security.
Minutes later, Taylor and Meyer said they heard as many as a dozen shots fired.
Other witnesses said they heard the firework-like sounds of gunshots and saw officers taking aim from behind patrol cars.
The unidentified officer was taken to the hospital in an ambulance with injuries that are not life-threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery, Snyder said. He has been placed on paid administrative leave.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700060866/Officer-shot-near-Grand-America-Hotel-gunman-shot-and-killed.html
By Aaron Falk
and Abigail Shaha
Deseret News
SALT LAKE CITY — A man in full combat gear — including body armor and hundreds of rounds of ammunition — opened fire on a Salt Lake patrol officer Friday afternoon near the Grand America Hotel — the third Utah officer to be shot in just two days.
At approximately 3:37, police got a 911 call saying a man with a gun was pacing along State Street between 500 South and 600 South, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Robin Snyder. The man, identified by Snyder as 28-year-old Brandon S. Barrett, was in full military combat uniform, including body armor, a helmet and combat boots. Barrett was also carrying numerous rounds of ammunition and a "long gun," though police are unsure whether it was an assault rifle or a shotgun.
By 3:41, police officers were at the scene. Barrett "engaged immediately" in shooting at the officers and shot one in the leg, Snyder said.
Police are unsure exactly how many shots Barrett and police officers fired, but in the end, Snyder said, she believes the officer who was hit was able to return fire and kill Barrett.
In the aftermath of a brief shootout, multiple bullet holes could be seen in the windshield of a patrol car, and the bloodied body of the gunman, dressed in fatigues, lay on a patch of grass near the hotel.
Story continues below
In a photograph taken by the Deseret News, the fallen shooter appears to have 11 clips strapped to his body. His uniform featured a patch with the letters "ISAF," possibly the International Security Assistance Force, which is a NATO-led security mission in Afghanistan.
Police believe Barrett was a U.S. Army veteran, most recently stationed at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Tacoma, Wash.
Pat Taylor and Tom Meyer of New Orleans said they were staying at the Grand America, near 600 South and State, and saw a man in fatigues as they were leaving the hotel's parking garage.
The man told Taylor and Meyer he was "training," and the two men said they thanked him for his service.
As they watched the man pace for a while, however, they became suspicious.
"We thought something was wrong," Taylor told the Deseret News. "I started to think he was going to kill somebody."
The men said they notified a passing Salt Lake police officer and contacted hotel security.
Minutes later, Taylor and Meyer said they heard as many as a dozen shots fired.
Other witnesses said they heard the firework-like sounds of gunshots and saw officers taking aim from behind patrol cars.
The unidentified officer was taken to the hospital in an ambulance with injuries that are not life-threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery, Snyder said. He has been placed on paid administrative leave.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700060866/Officer-shot-near-Grand-America-Hotel-gunman-shot-and-killed.html
Insomnia........concern/fear for others
Well, yesterday I got a few texts from a friend. They were suffering from panic attacks. I contacted their leadership to try to get them help. And I had to take my medication so I lost all communication with the world (thanks to the medications). I woke at 1am to 4 missed calls from their leadership and no texts from them.
Well, I figured, I'm wide awake now--thank you insomnia---so I gathered up my dog Kelsy and drove to the WTU. I text my friend to let them know I was there, even though I figured they were surely knocked out.
I wound up falling asleep in the back of my car with Kelsy, from around 3am until about 7. Still nothing from my friend. I remained concerned but I knew I had to go home, as I had two other dogs who needed to be let out. Shortly after I arrived home, I received a text that all was well. So, I took advantage of the opportunity to take a nap.
The dream I had, while I usually don't remember much when I wake, pretty much told me I needed to get home and soon. Mind you, I have been in for 14 years and therefore would never make the mistake of leaving on the wrong terms. But, I do know that I need to get home as soon as I am able. The dream consisted of so many different scenarios but the one that stood out the most was the work I did was the shelter my mom operates. We had a conversation yesterday about how full the shelter is at the moment. And in my dream I was on foot, transporting 4 animals to the shelter from god knows where. Folks who are not animal loves may just be scratching their head right now but to me this made me sad. Because of the number of animals that were along the route--the ones that were left behind--and the number that were at the shelter when I arrived. Overflowing. My analysis of this dream is my mom (she is the shelter--in my eyes) is overwhelmed and needs help, needs a release, someone she can rely on to ease her stress. So, I need to get home. And soon.
That is all for now......
Old Sarge Out!
Well, I figured, I'm wide awake now--thank you insomnia---so I gathered up my dog Kelsy and drove to the WTU. I text my friend to let them know I was there, even though I figured they were surely knocked out.
I wound up falling asleep in the back of my car with Kelsy, from around 3am until about 7. Still nothing from my friend. I remained concerned but I knew I had to go home, as I had two other dogs who needed to be let out. Shortly after I arrived home, I received a text that all was well. So, I took advantage of the opportunity to take a nap.
The dream I had, while I usually don't remember much when I wake, pretty much told me I needed to get home and soon. Mind you, I have been in for 14 years and therefore would never make the mistake of leaving on the wrong terms. But, I do know that I need to get home as soon as I am able. The dream consisted of so many different scenarios but the one that stood out the most was the work I did was the shelter my mom operates. We had a conversation yesterday about how full the shelter is at the moment. And in my dream I was on foot, transporting 4 animals to the shelter from god knows where. Folks who are not animal loves may just be scratching their head right now but to me this made me sad. Because of the number of animals that were along the route--the ones that were left behind--and the number that were at the shelter when I arrived. Overflowing. My analysis of this dream is my mom (she is the shelter--in my eyes) is overwhelmed and needs help, needs a release, someone she can rely on to ease her stress. So, I need to get home. And soon.
That is all for now......
Old Sarge Out!
*******TRIGGER WARNING********
I am putting this disclaimer out there. Please do not watch the following video if viewing IED's or direct fire will trigger your PTSD. This video was made by a film student to help bring awareness to the family and friends of PTSD sufferers.
If you need help you have avenues. The avenue addressed in this video is The National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 802-296-6300. I am providing this information so that if you DO have a propensity to be triggered by the above mentioned events, you do NOT have to view the video for this information.
I do not want anyone to be triggered by this video so I want you to know what the video includes without going into too large of detail. A Convoy being hit by an IED, a patrol being engaged, a medevac in progress. So, please don't watch if you think you may be triggered.
If you are a family member or a friend of a veteran and you feel they suffer from PTSD, please take advantage of the resources I've posted to help your loved one. They need your help and they may not even know it.
If you need help you have avenues. The avenue addressed in this video is The National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 802-296-6300. I am providing this information so that if you DO have a propensity to be triggered by the above mentioned events, you do NOT have to view the video for this information.
I do not want anyone to be triggered by this video so I want you to know what the video includes without going into too large of detail. A Convoy being hit by an IED, a patrol being engaged, a medevac in progress. So, please don't watch if you think you may be triggered.
If you are a family member or a friend of a veteran and you feel they suffer from PTSD, please take advantage of the resources I've posted to help your loved one. They need your help and they may not even know it.
Do you think PTSD isn't a problem?
Now, understand that this is not my video, just something I came across. The gentleman in this video is certainly suffering from PTSD. While I do not support some of the many anti-war protests going on, there are some I do not condemn either. I understand folks want the war to end, we all do. We're losing battle buddies over there. Regardless of how you feel about the war, we are Soldiers and we have a duty to follow the orders given to us by our leaders. It is our duty to protect this countries freedoms, and answer the call of war---wherever that may be.
This Veteran had a point: If you don't know anything about it, if you've never been there, then you have no reason to speak to judge. Of course, he says it in some pretty explicit language. But really, if you don't know anything about it, don't act like you do. And don't act like you understand what we have suffered through.
Here's the video:
An Iraq War Veteran is enraged by several people with peace signs on Stockdale Highway in B----------, CA. With army style fatigues, the man jumps out of his truck going Westbound in the middle of rush hour, yelling and cursing at the people holding peace signs. Are these symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? With a woman sitting in his truck, he quickly leaves after a few minutes of irate screaming and cursing. About twenty minutes later the man came back, traveling East bound, blocking traffic in the Northbound turning lane. This time he was alone. He pinned on his war medals wearing three medals of honor and carrying a neatly folded flag, perhaps a relative or friend who died serving in duty. The man was extremely upset and a testament to the unmeasured and detrimental effects of war that hit every one at home. Both times, including in this video, the man recklessly endangers lives and in a threatening manner. We need to take care of our soldiers and deal with the trauma of war. Our soldiers who know the need for freedom of speech should not be trained and suffer so badly so as to threaten individuals with political signs or terrorize and endanger the general public.
This Veteran had a point: If you don't know anything about it, if you've never been there, then you have no reason to speak to judge. Of course, he says it in some pretty explicit language. But really, if you don't know anything about it, don't act like you do. And don't act like you understand what we have suffered through.
Here's the video:
An Iraq War Veteran is enraged by several people with peace signs on Stockdale Highway in B----------, CA. With army style fatigues, the man jumps out of his truck going Westbound in the middle of rush hour, yelling and cursing at the people holding peace signs. Are these symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? With a woman sitting in his truck, he quickly leaves after a few minutes of irate screaming and cursing. About twenty minutes later the man came back, traveling East bound, blocking traffic in the Northbound turning lane. This time he was alone. He pinned on his war medals wearing three medals of honor and carrying a neatly folded flag, perhaps a relative or friend who died serving in duty. The man was extremely upset and a testament to the unmeasured and detrimental effects of war that hit every one at home. Both times, including in this video, the man recklessly endangers lives and in a threatening manner. We need to take care of our soldiers and deal with the trauma of war. Our soldiers who know the need for freedom of speech should not be trained and suffer so badly so as to threaten individuals with political signs or terrorize and endanger the general public.
So, it's been a while......
The last two posts were just rants. I'd like to now take the opportunity to update everyone as the last time I really posted was when I was going home on emergency leave. So, I suppose I should touch on this subject and update you all on me.
I departed for Michigan on the 19th of July. At very early in the morning, I had to catch my flight out of Killeen. This time around, I took my dress uniform. I knew this trip wasn't going to be a good one. My father was on a ventilator, suffering from yet another bought with pneumonia.
I thank the leadership of the WTU for their efforts to get me on emergency leave as soon as possible. I've never seen it go that quickly. The red cross message was sent and I had my flight within 5hrs....it's usually not that fast...especially on the weekend. So, to the leadership of the WTU, I thank you.
So, I'm due to land at 3pm. I get into Detroit and find that my next flight is due to leave in less than 10 minutes and the gates clear on the other side of the airport. So I'm running, because I can tell from the texts I'm receiving that things are not going well. I arrive at the gate only to find out my plane is broke. But I thank my lucky stars because otherwise I wouldn't have made that flight. I arrive in Alpena (an hour and a half away from the hospital, closest airport) at 2:57pm. A family friend picks me up and we head off to Gaylord. By 3:20 I get that phone call. The one no one wants to get. My father has passed away. I was too late. He just couldn't hang on any longer. To be honest, the christian in me says he knew that I was home...I may not have been there but I was home, and he knew that he could go.
So the remaining hour+ drive was misery for me. I couldn't speak, and the poor girl driving me was suffering from that awkward silence we all get when we see someone crying their eyes out. We don't know what to do you know? So, it made for a rough ride to the hospital.
I had the opportunity to see him, to say my goodbyes. My father played a pivotal role in the path I took in my life. I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me over the years and it meant so much to be able to say my goodbyes.
Being there for my mom, working around the house and at the animal shelter, helped me to cope with the pain inside. Being able to be the rock for her, made it a little easier for me to deal with everything. I needed something to focus on. I spent the majority of my time home cleaning the shelter warehouse and working in my dad's garage. Cleaning and organizing his belongings. My brother came up and took care of my father's office. And dealt with the dealings with the business. One less thing for my mom to have to stress about.
The funeral brought many people. I couldn't believe the number of people who came to pay their respects for my father and show their support for my mother. Well, I can, he was such a wonderful person. He dedicated himself to his employees and it showed in the outpouring of support. And his efforts with the animal shelter brought so many people it was truly heartwarming.
So, that is where I have been and why I haven't been blogging. But I am now back and will continue to blog and keep everyone updated. Thank you very much for reading and I hope to see you around next time.
Old Sarge Out!
I departed for Michigan on the 19th of July. At very early in the morning, I had to catch my flight out of Killeen. This time around, I took my dress uniform. I knew this trip wasn't going to be a good one. My father was on a ventilator, suffering from yet another bought with pneumonia.
I thank the leadership of the WTU for their efforts to get me on emergency leave as soon as possible. I've never seen it go that quickly. The red cross message was sent and I had my flight within 5hrs....it's usually not that fast...especially on the weekend. So, to the leadership of the WTU, I thank you.
So, I'm due to land at 3pm. I get into Detroit and find that my next flight is due to leave in less than 10 minutes and the gates clear on the other side of the airport. So I'm running, because I can tell from the texts I'm receiving that things are not going well. I arrive at the gate only to find out my plane is broke. But I thank my lucky stars because otherwise I wouldn't have made that flight. I arrive in Alpena (an hour and a half away from the hospital, closest airport) at 2:57pm. A family friend picks me up and we head off to Gaylord. By 3:20 I get that phone call. The one no one wants to get. My father has passed away. I was too late. He just couldn't hang on any longer. To be honest, the christian in me says he knew that I was home...I may not have been there but I was home, and he knew that he could go.
So the remaining hour+ drive was misery for me. I couldn't speak, and the poor girl driving me was suffering from that awkward silence we all get when we see someone crying their eyes out. We don't know what to do you know? So, it made for a rough ride to the hospital.
I had the opportunity to see him, to say my goodbyes. My father played a pivotal role in the path I took in my life. I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me over the years and it meant so much to be able to say my goodbyes.
Being there for my mom, working around the house and at the animal shelter, helped me to cope with the pain inside. Being able to be the rock for her, made it a little easier for me to deal with everything. I needed something to focus on. I spent the majority of my time home cleaning the shelter warehouse and working in my dad's garage. Cleaning and organizing his belongings. My brother came up and took care of my father's office. And dealt with the dealings with the business. One less thing for my mom to have to stress about.
The funeral brought many people. I couldn't believe the number of people who came to pay their respects for my father and show their support for my mother. Well, I can, he was such a wonderful person. He dedicated himself to his employees and it showed in the outpouring of support. And his efforts with the animal shelter brought so many people it was truly heartwarming.
So, that is where I have been and why I haven't been blogging. But I am now back and will continue to blog and keep everyone updated. Thank you very much for reading and I hope to see you around next time.
Old Sarge Out!
Disappointment......
As a Soldier, I have learned over the years that those closest to us may cause us pain and anguish at times, yet their always there for us when we need them. Or they should. Our trusted confidants are the only ones we can go to. The only ones we can vent to. When we cut them out of our lives, it can forever scar us. We may not see it at the time, given our anger or frustration in that individual. But it will eventually come to light.
I learned this lesson many years ago when I "held a grudge" against a friend. It took us a few years to reconnect and I am grateful that we were able to. Because they truly are one of my best friends. We've had our bad times, yet, when push comes to shove, we're always there for one another. No matter the miles between us. So, I am writing this blog today to remind everyone that those friends we have "pushed away" may be our only lifeline at one point. It is best to mend those bridges and keep those ties open. You never know when you may need their shoulder again.
Everyone makes mistakes. We all do. No one is perfect. And when your dealing with Soldiers who suffer from PTSD, we have to be understanding of some of the many underlying issues that haunt each other. We have to be compassionate when our friend is suffering. And we have to be forgiving if they lose their cool for a moment. We all know we suffer from many issues, and we depend on those friends closest to us to help us through these issues. If we cannot wipe the slate clean after one of us suffers an episode, we will soon run out of friends.
I am not one who takes sides. I understand the issues that plague us all. And I only want for my battles to understand that things happen and we each sink in that pit of dispair at our own moments. And all we have to depend on are our battles to pull us out. If we don't have that, we won't survive. PTSD is not a game, and if we feel that we are alone, we will most likely become the statistic. But if we have battles who understand, who will pull us up and out of that pit, then we can survive this. We have to work together. We have to come together and band together like the brothers and sisters that we are and protect one another. If we see one another falling in that pit, we have to be their lifeline. The only people who truly understand PTSD and all that goes with it, are those of us who suffer from it. So we have to stick together.
Mend those bridges, make peace with one another and forgive and forget for those moments when we fell into the pit. Be that lifeline so that we can survive and overcome.
That is all.
Old Sarge out!
I learned this lesson many years ago when I "held a grudge" against a friend. It took us a few years to reconnect and I am grateful that we were able to. Because they truly are one of my best friends. We've had our bad times, yet, when push comes to shove, we're always there for one another. No matter the miles between us. So, I am writing this blog today to remind everyone that those friends we have "pushed away" may be our only lifeline at one point. It is best to mend those bridges and keep those ties open. You never know when you may need their shoulder again.
Everyone makes mistakes. We all do. No one is perfect. And when your dealing with Soldiers who suffer from PTSD, we have to be understanding of some of the many underlying issues that haunt each other. We have to be compassionate when our friend is suffering. And we have to be forgiving if they lose their cool for a moment. We all know we suffer from many issues, and we depend on those friends closest to us to help us through these issues. If we cannot wipe the slate clean after one of us suffers an episode, we will soon run out of friends.
I am not one who takes sides. I understand the issues that plague us all. And I only want for my battles to understand that things happen and we each sink in that pit of dispair at our own moments. And all we have to depend on are our battles to pull us out. If we don't have that, we won't survive. PTSD is not a game, and if we feel that we are alone, we will most likely become the statistic. But if we have battles who understand, who will pull us up and out of that pit, then we can survive this. We have to work together. We have to come together and band together like the brothers and sisters that we are and protect one another. If we see one another falling in that pit, we have to be their lifeline. The only people who truly understand PTSD and all that goes with it, are those of us who suffer from it. So we have to stick together.
Mend those bridges, make peace with one another and forgive and forget for those moments when we fell into the pit. Be that lifeline so that we can survive and overcome.
That is all.
Old Sarge out!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Taking care of Soldiers/Each other
As an NCO, I have learned over the course of the last 7 years, that Soldiers need leaders who will stand up for them and protect them from the stupidity. It is important for a Soldier to be able to trust in their leadership. Otherwise, when push comes to shove, you know which Soldiers won't have your back, the one's you left in the dust.
It is also important to know the regulations and understand the policies put in place before you step on your Soldiers toes. It is our duty to locate the policies and read them. It is our duty to know them. And it is our duty as leaders to ensure that our Soldiers are aware of these regulations as well. And protect our Soldiers with these regulations and policies that were put in place to protect them.
Just voicing my opinion. That is all I am doing. No one is mentioned here so there should be no retaliation for this post. To be fair, I felt it necessary to remove some of my blogs. This is in an effort to come to a compromise. Why? Because the issues I addressed on here, are being addressed by the leadership of the WTU. So, to be fair, I will remove them from the public domain in hopes that it's a suitable compromise?
I do not wish to make my blog private because there are many Soldiers, past and present, who suffer from PTSD and therefore I do not wish to prevent them from having a place to go to see that their not alone. I cannot do that. I am all about helping people and even if its a complete stranger. So, I will continue to allow my blog to be public and to be fair, I will give the leadership of the WTU an opportunity to rectify the issues I have brought to light and I will keep those issues off this blog. Is that a fair enough compromise? Since I now know that our blogs are being monitored.
While I understand that some wish to monitor and report others, I have never made any statements that would result in my being reported to the chain of command. There is no reason why I should be seeing anyone in the chain of command in regards to this blog. I only have this blog to help fellow Soldiers understand that they are not alone and bring awareness to PTSD and what it does to us.
Old Sarge Out!
It is also important to know the regulations and understand the policies put in place before you step on your Soldiers toes. It is our duty to locate the policies and read them. It is our duty to know them. And it is our duty as leaders to ensure that our Soldiers are aware of these regulations as well. And protect our Soldiers with these regulations and policies that were put in place to protect them.
Just voicing my opinion. That is all I am doing. No one is mentioned here so there should be no retaliation for this post. To be fair, I felt it necessary to remove some of my blogs. This is in an effort to come to a compromise. Why? Because the issues I addressed on here, are being addressed by the leadership of the WTU. So, to be fair, I will remove them from the public domain in hopes that it's a suitable compromise?
I do not wish to make my blog private because there are many Soldiers, past and present, who suffer from PTSD and therefore I do not wish to prevent them from having a place to go to see that their not alone. I cannot do that. I am all about helping people and even if its a complete stranger. So, I will continue to allow my blog to be public and to be fair, I will give the leadership of the WTU an opportunity to rectify the issues I have brought to light and I will keep those issues off this blog. Is that a fair enough compromise? Since I now know that our blogs are being monitored.
While I understand that some wish to monitor and report others, I have never made any statements that would result in my being reported to the chain of command. There is no reason why I should be seeing anyone in the chain of command in regards to this blog. I only have this blog to help fellow Soldiers understand that they are not alone and bring awareness to PTSD and what it does to us.
Old Sarge Out!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Today's Leadership.......
I guess today was the day when my boiling point reached its max. Here's how it went. I was just getting out of my appointment at TBI when I saw a young Soldier limping away from the ER.....he was a couple of blocks away. I did a u-turn and went back to the Soldier and asked him where he was headed. Clear creek he says. Which instantly pissed me off. I told him to get in and I gave him a ride to where he needed to go. Turned out his unit made him walk TO the ER and then back. WTF?!?! So, needless to say, I was pretty damn hot under the collar by the time I made it back to WTU.
Then a fellow Soldier, who moved to WTU with me, tells me how his day's gone. He's got serious back problems. They put him on the CSM's detail, sweeping, mopping and picking up trash. WTF? So, by this time, I demand to speak to the 1SG about my concerns. I'm beyond livid with the lack of true leadership I have been seeing as of late. And it's not just at the WTU, but all over post. My old unit, 1st Cav Division (the walking Soldier), 3rd ACR (observing these guys doing the lawn details everyday), and others.
I have come to realize that NCO's who actually LISTEN to their Soldiers and truly KNOW their Soldiers, are very few and far between. We're a dying breed and the Army is suffering because of it. Their promoting these Soldiers BEFORE their ready to handle the responsibility of taking care of Soldiers and its been a trickling effect. Now Soldiers don't care because their leaders don't care because their leaders don't care and so on and so forth. It's depressing. When you're so accustomed to taking care of Soldiers and your ripped from that job and placed on the bench, forced to watch the mistreatment without taking action, it breaks your heart. I'm sitting here on the bench getting beyond pissed off at the coach and ref because their treating their guys like shit and don't care if they fall out or further injure themselves. So long as their still in the "game" even partway, that's all that matters. The moment their out of the fight, they wipe their hands of them. And they DON'T help them get the help they need. All they care about are numbers.
Needless to say today was a pretty bad day for me. I'm still hot under the collar but at least I know one person will listen to me and is willing to help make a change. And she has far more pull than I do. Given my position, I have no pull whatsoever, all I can do is listen to these Soldiers complaints and wish I could stand up for them to their leaders. I can't do that but I can't be a quiet, behind the scenes advocate for them with the help of this 1SG. Let's hope it makes a difference.
Then a fellow Soldier, who moved to WTU with me, tells me how his day's gone. He's got serious back problems. They put him on the CSM's detail, sweeping, mopping and picking up trash. WTF? So, by this time, I demand to speak to the 1SG about my concerns. I'm beyond livid with the lack of true leadership I have been seeing as of late. And it's not just at the WTU, but all over post. My old unit, 1st Cav Division (the walking Soldier), 3rd ACR (observing these guys doing the lawn details everyday), and others.
I have come to realize that NCO's who actually LISTEN to their Soldiers and truly KNOW their Soldiers, are very few and far between. We're a dying breed and the Army is suffering because of it. Their promoting these Soldiers BEFORE their ready to handle the responsibility of taking care of Soldiers and its been a trickling effect. Now Soldiers don't care because their leaders don't care because their leaders don't care and so on and so forth. It's depressing. When you're so accustomed to taking care of Soldiers and your ripped from that job and placed on the bench, forced to watch the mistreatment without taking action, it breaks your heart. I'm sitting here on the bench getting beyond pissed off at the coach and ref because their treating their guys like shit and don't care if they fall out or further injure themselves. So long as their still in the "game" even partway, that's all that matters. The moment their out of the fight, they wipe their hands of them. And they DON'T help them get the help they need. All they care about are numbers.
Needless to say today was a pretty bad day for me. I'm still hot under the collar but at least I know one person will listen to me and is willing to help make a change. And she has far more pull than I do. Given my position, I have no pull whatsoever, all I can do is listen to these Soldiers complaints and wish I could stand up for them to their leaders. I can't do that but I can't be a quiet, behind the scenes advocate for them with the help of this 1SG. Let's hope it makes a difference.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Back in Texas.....
Well, I'm back in Texas after 20 days of high emotions, and lots of tears.
How it started. My mom calls me to let me know my fathers back in the hospital with pneumonia again. This time he's on a ventilator. After a few not so good days at the hospital, I get her to call Red Cross to send an urgent message back here to Fort Hood's WTU. That was Sunday, July 18th. By Sunday night, thanks to an awesome First Sergeant and Platoon Sergeant, I had a flight to Michigan at 0630 Monday morning (July 19th). Oh and I should mention the gentleman at Fort Sill, OK who got me the AER loan on a sunday night. This is the stuff that really refreshes my memory of the times when the Army really took care of their Soldiers. This is a prime example that there are some still serving who still follow this path. I am grateful for the leadership and their efforts to get me home as soon as possible.
So I get on the plane at 0600 in the morning and continue my travels to Northern Michigan. I check in with Mom, he's still stable, and I hop on the next leg of the trip. I get to Detroit and worry I won't make my next flight because we landed late and my connecting flight was already supposed to be boarding. The gate was clear across the airport......long hike. I did my pt test in the airport that day. Made it to the gate to find out our plane to Alpena was broke and we were delayed. Great.
I let mom know about the plane and I let the girl whose picking me up know I might be late. But to plan for me to be there at 2:55pm anyways. Luckily I landed at 2:57. We hit the road. It's another hour and a half drive to the hospital my dad is in. And so we're driving and then my mom calls. It was about 3:15pm when my mom calls me. He's gone. The tears start rolling. I can't believe it. I tried to so hard to get there before but it just wasn't happening. It was his time. And I am grateful that he's no longer suffering. That much I am so very grateful for.
So I finally get to the hospital and my mom and her sister are sitting outside waiting for me. I go up to my dad's room and I say my goodbyes. And I thank the staff for all their efforts. They did so well, taking care of him. They weren't those kind of people that come in, give you your meds, or your food and walk out without any conversation. They actually sat down and would talk to my dad. He had that effect on people. He was a very good man who always liked to see people smile. He was giving and wanted everyone to enjoy the joys of life as much as possible. If he saw a person in need, he'd bend over backwards to help them. That was my father. And even now, his effect on people, his giving nature continues to spread. His biggest passion these last 10 years was the Elk Country Animal Shelter and his dying wishes were that folks donate to the shelter in his honor if they so wished. And they did. It's truly amazing how many people he touched.
So, after getting mom home and starting the process of going through all my fathers belongings and parting with all the medical home care equipment that was there. We started going through all the photos he'ld taken over the years. And all the pictures we managed to get of him over the year when we could get the camara out of his hands. It was heartwrenching, yet so good to reminisce. My brother and I spent alot of time catching up. And talking about all the different things we did as kids to cause our parents heartache.
Then it came time for the service. I'm in my dress uniform and my brothers wearing of my dad's suit's. He's looking pretty sharp, looks alot like my grandpa (mom's side). So many people came. I was truly amazed at the outpouring of support that was given. I think I cried the most that day. My dress uniform as tear drops all down the front. I just couldn't keep that stone face anymore. And my mom has suffered so much alone, I couldn't help but cry for her.
Now that I am back here, I want nothing more than to leave...right now and go back there to be there for my mom. She needs my help, she needs someone there she can talk to. She's like me, she doesn't open up to just anybody. She bottles up those emotions and well, it very well could result in her having a breakdown if she doesn't have someone to talk to. So, I want to leave this place and go back to Michigan, forever. I want this MEB to be done with. I want to know where I stand and get my things together and just go. I must be there for my mom. And so, this waiting game here at the WTU is going to drive me insane. And the more they mess with us Soldiers, the more frustrated I will get. Because I don't want to be here. I want to be home.
How it started. My mom calls me to let me know my fathers back in the hospital with pneumonia again. This time he's on a ventilator. After a few not so good days at the hospital, I get her to call Red Cross to send an urgent message back here to Fort Hood's WTU. That was Sunday, July 18th. By Sunday night, thanks to an awesome First Sergeant and Platoon Sergeant, I had a flight to Michigan at 0630 Monday morning (July 19th). Oh and I should mention the gentleman at Fort Sill, OK who got me the AER loan on a sunday night. This is the stuff that really refreshes my memory of the times when the Army really took care of their Soldiers. This is a prime example that there are some still serving who still follow this path. I am grateful for the leadership and their efforts to get me home as soon as possible.
So I get on the plane at 0600 in the morning and continue my travels to Northern Michigan. I check in with Mom, he's still stable, and I hop on the next leg of the trip. I get to Detroit and worry I won't make my next flight because we landed late and my connecting flight was already supposed to be boarding. The gate was clear across the airport......long hike. I did my pt test in the airport that day. Made it to the gate to find out our plane to Alpena was broke and we were delayed. Great.
I let mom know about the plane and I let the girl whose picking me up know I might be late. But to plan for me to be there at 2:55pm anyways. Luckily I landed at 2:57. We hit the road. It's another hour and a half drive to the hospital my dad is in. And so we're driving and then my mom calls. It was about 3:15pm when my mom calls me. He's gone. The tears start rolling. I can't believe it. I tried to so hard to get there before but it just wasn't happening. It was his time. And I am grateful that he's no longer suffering. That much I am so very grateful for.
So I finally get to the hospital and my mom and her sister are sitting outside waiting for me. I go up to my dad's room and I say my goodbyes. And I thank the staff for all their efforts. They did so well, taking care of him. They weren't those kind of people that come in, give you your meds, or your food and walk out without any conversation. They actually sat down and would talk to my dad. He had that effect on people. He was a very good man who always liked to see people smile. He was giving and wanted everyone to enjoy the joys of life as much as possible. If he saw a person in need, he'd bend over backwards to help them. That was my father. And even now, his effect on people, his giving nature continues to spread. His biggest passion these last 10 years was the Elk Country Animal Shelter and his dying wishes were that folks donate to the shelter in his honor if they so wished. And they did. It's truly amazing how many people he touched.
So, after getting mom home and starting the process of going through all my fathers belongings and parting with all the medical home care equipment that was there. We started going through all the photos he'ld taken over the years. And all the pictures we managed to get of him over the year when we could get the camara out of his hands. It was heartwrenching, yet so good to reminisce. My brother and I spent alot of time catching up. And talking about all the different things we did as kids to cause our parents heartache.
Then it came time for the service. I'm in my dress uniform and my brothers wearing of my dad's suit's. He's looking pretty sharp, looks alot like my grandpa (mom's side). So many people came. I was truly amazed at the outpouring of support that was given. I think I cried the most that day. My dress uniform as tear drops all down the front. I just couldn't keep that stone face anymore. And my mom has suffered so much alone, I couldn't help but cry for her.
Now that I am back here, I want nothing more than to leave...right now and go back there to be there for my mom. She needs my help, she needs someone there she can talk to. She's like me, she doesn't open up to just anybody. She bottles up those emotions and well, it very well could result in her having a breakdown if she doesn't have someone to talk to. So, I want to leave this place and go back to Michigan, forever. I want this MEB to be done with. I want to know where I stand and get my things together and just go. I must be there for my mom. And so, this waiting game here at the WTU is going to drive me insane. And the more they mess with us Soldiers, the more frustrated I will get. Because I don't want to be here. I want to be home.
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