Crash....

So I've struggled with insomnia since October. Most nights I'd wake up in a cold sweat at 2am and wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. Thought I was getting menopause lol. But I tried to do some sleep hygiene training as my doc suggested. I take my meds at 11pm and by midnight I am done....barely remember the walk to the bedroom. This usually results in me not hearing the phone ring or being disturbed by anything. Nope, once I hit that point, there's nothing that will wake me. And I usually get about 6 hours of sleep. Which is pretty damn good compared to the 2 I was getting most nights.

Downside to this, and one of the main reasons why I don't like being on medications.....I missed a phone call that very well could have been someone in dire need of my help. Most often than not, a phone call at 1am is not a good phone call. And I missed it. As an NCO who devoted her life to taking care of her Soldiers and always being there for her troops, medications hinder my ability to continue with that one thing I love being able to do. And here I sit at 6am wondering if that Soldier is ok because I wasn't there to answer the call.

This is why Soldiers must not rely on their medications. Use them as a training aid as you work on healing. But, do your best to ensure that you can and will be able to separate yourself from those medications. You do not want to rely on them or become dependent on them. Always know that no matter the medication or its purpose, dependency is likely and you have to be ready for the day when you have to let them go. However, do not stop using them without the doc's approval. I found that out, Doc yelled at me because I was trying to not use my sleep meds--because I was missing shit--she warned me not to stop taking them. Eventually I would be able to ween myself away from them but for now, until my sleep issues are at a more controllable level, I need to stick to the regimen.

I've suffered from migraines for the last 12 years. The docs gave me medications such as midrin and darvocet. All of which made me useless when it came to doing my job. I stopped going to the doc because they couldnt find the problem and I could NOT live with myself if I wasn't able to work. So I just started taking over the counter meds, excedrin and stuff. At least then I could still turn wrenches you know? But now, with these sleep meds, their doing exactly what I don't want. I don't want to NOT be there for my fellow Soldiers.....and its depressing because when they reach out to me and i'm not there....where will they turn? I worry that I was that one phone call they tried before something bad happened and I wasn't there to talk them down or whatnot. Soldiers call me all the time just to vent, to "break contact", and to reach out to someone who understands. And when I'm not there, and I see that I have a missed call in the morning because of these stupid meds, I feel like I have failed these Soldiers. Yes, I know, I'm no ones leader but I am their friends. And this friend has failed them because of these stupid sleep meds.

OOOOH and on a side note: Do not EVER share your meds with anyone. And, if you live in a place where your meds can be accessed by others, make them inaccessible. Lock them up in a drawer...secure them. I am fortunate I live alone, so my stockpile of medications is in my bathroom. However, for those who are not as fortunate, lock your meds up so those who "want" them can't get them and those who want to get you into trouble because their in trouble....can't get them either. Something to think about. Always watch your back, because no matter what we as GOOD Soldiers know, not all Soldiers follow the same values. You can only trust certain people and you must remain watchful over others. Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to remain watchful over our buddies as well---because sometimes they too fall into that trap :(