Saturday......

Well, today started with me jumping out of bed after another nightmare. Already forgot what it was, which is normal. I think my mind wipes it out immediately because it doesn't want to deal with it. But, despite the nightmare, this is day two of a new strategy my counselor suggested. My insomnia has really kicked my ass over the last 6 months. In the last two weeks it'd gotten much worse. It was like clock work, 2am I was up, covered in sweat and there was no going back to sleep. Well, my counselor suggested I stay up later and try to go to sleep at midnight. Of course, I'm medicated for sleep so, this means taking my meds much later. So I did what she suggested and managed to be able to sleep til 6 this time. Still woke up with the nightmare but at least I got 5 hours of sleep this time.

There's so many things that run through my brain everyday. So its hard for me to get my brain to settle down in order for me to sleep. I usually end up taking my meds and waiting about an hour for them to make me crosseyed before I can actually try to sleep. I've done everything the counselors and sleep study folks have recommended, I don't do anything in the bedroom except sleep, no tv, no music (except the biofeedback cd), its blacked out in there and the house is ubber quiet. My alarm clocks time is covered so I don't see it when I wake up at odd hours of the night. Usually when the insomnia's really bad, I'll get up and go sit in the living room, eventually end up falling back asleep on the couch.

Insomnia sucks. But, to some, it has an upside lol. You can get alot done in the middle of the night lol. My house has never been this clean lol.

Ok so its Saturday and I'm sitting here listening to the Killeen PD scanner (love listening to this, their not the brightest and some of these people in Killeen are just plain retarded lol). My dog, Kelsy, is laying down at my feet and the coffee pots brewing behind me. I'm thinking about home right now. See (and I'm sure to get yelled at for this but you know what, we can't avoid the topic and we have to get the thoughts and feelings and pain out someway), my father has stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer. This is a reoccurance. Over the course of the last few months, he's been in and out of the hospital with pneumonia. His lung capacity was cut down to practically nil due to the fluid build up. He would go get drained and then he could breathe a little better. The draining stopped being successful due to the fluids solidifying in his chest cavity. And he's not a candidate for surgery so this is the scariest time because he has difficulty breathing most of the day and wakes up in the middle of the night really struggling. While I was visiting, I didn't get to see him much, as he was bedridden. He's on oxygen 24/7. He's been very weak, unable to leave the house except for his appointments and that was a feat. See, his treatments were located over 3hrs away. So, he had to brave a car ride all the way to see the doc in HOPES that they chose to do chemo that day. With all the fluid build up, and the attempts to drain getting less and less successful, they were concerned that chemo was no longer an option. That's when I realized just how serious this is. I'm about to lose my dad. I try to remain strong, holding out hope that he is able to stay strong enough to get through these chemo treatments. Because it appears that the chemo is starting to work. After a few ER visits during my visit, the day I left he went back to the hospital. I was scared to death, I'm walking through the airport wanting to jump back on a plane to go right back to Michigan because I certainly didn't want to be sitting in Chicago pacing the airport when the time came.....if it came. I was scared it was coming. He has gone through so much, and I know the pain has really made him so weak. But, turns out, his chest pains were not what we feared and they took a look at the fluids in his lungs.....it started to clear. So by the time I made it back to Texas, I was happy--more elated than anything. The chemo was starting to work! Thank god. He just needs to hold on and make it through the chemo treatments and perhaps I'll have my father for a little while longer.

See, it breaks my heart knowing I'm so far away from everything. My mom is always so busy with the animal shelter and caring for my dad as well as the zoo she has at home, I don't know when she's able to sleep. She's constantly go go go and I feel so bad for her because I know she's overwhelmed. When I get the chance to visit, I'm usually at the shelter helping out and helping her at the house as best I can. She needs a break so bad, but there's no stopping her. Not that I blame her, if you sit down for one moment, all the worries come to the forefront of your mind and your overtaken by the emotions of all the stuff going on. So, I can certainly understand why she doesn't stop. In a way, I am alot like my mom. Rather than allowing myself idle time to let my brain focus on the trauma that has impacted me so badly, I find myself being OCD here at the house. I clean, and clean, and clean again even if the house is spotless. I find projects to do that keeps my mind going. Whatever I can do to not think about that which haunts me. Yet, once I stop it comes flooding back. And perhaps thats what makes this blog so important. Because in a way its an outlet so that I can get the thoughts out of my mind and perhaps put myself at ease a little? Yes and no.....it works but sometimes it floods my emotions. But, I've been so closed off when it comes to emotions that its like the flood gates are opened when I do let this stuff out. I guess its a therapeutic means to deal with the things that plague me. If you don't let it out, it overwhelms you, and eventually you crack and there's no stopping what comes out. And if you hold out long enough, when it does break lose, its an ugly scene. Either your angry and your violent towards others or your so overwhelmed by the emotions that your suicidal. No one can say they've never had ideations. I know I have gotten to the point where I wanted to knock people out for their stupidity because they would wear on my nerves to the point where I pictured myself punching their lights out. Thats when I knew I needed help. I'd come so far in my career, the last thing I needed to do was throw it all away because of anger.

See, PTSD isn't just flashbacks and anxiety attacks. It's also anger, irritability, memory loss, inability to concentrate, depression, loss of interest, loss of appetite (for me) and so many other variables. My fuse was VERY short. And it was starting to affect my Soldiers. They knew when it was a good day and when it was a bad day. And this depressed me because they didn't do anything to deserve such anger from me. Ok, maybe some of them did, but for the most part they didn't deserve it.

So, dealing with PTSD, we have to come to realize that it is an injury and we must seek help to get through it. Its not something we can just snap our fingers and it all magically goes away. Even if you try to push it to the farthest depths of your subconcious, it will come back to haunt you, as it has done for me many times. And when it returns, its usually 10 times worse than the previous times.

So don't wait to seek help. If you see yourself falling into that abyss, get help.

Ok.........more to come.